The official message of the U.S. government to ICE is if you kill an American citizen while trying to deport brown people, not only will we cover it up but we will try to jail their spouse instead.

We all died during COVID and this is hell.

not street smart, not book smart, but a secret third thing

My toxic trait is buying fruit out of season and being mad when it’s not good.

no chatgpt for me, thanks. i will be asking Zoltar

Before google maps you just had a buddy in another car who said “follow me” then proceeded to run a late yellow at the next intersection.

Apparently, the key to longevity is being as evil as possible. No other explanation.

wild how quickly we got from "people you're friends with on the computer aren't like REAL friends" all the way to "my computer and i are getting married"

this meeting could’ve been a vulgar gesture

My number one bedroom fantasy? Falling asleep when I try to

I drive out of work like I’m late for what I do in my spare time.

why do good people go through horrible stuff but literal demons walking around us n they’re fine

Don’t be afraid to share your writing. There are six Sharknado movies.

I can't believe the only way to get out of my job that I hate is to get another job that I hate

They should invent a kind of awake that doesn’t only happen when you’re supposed to be sleeping