alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i'm working on some pretty big stuff too

Bold of you to think that putting two little candy bars in one package and labeling it ‘sharing size’ is going to result in anything other than me eating two little candy bars.

If we have enough money to buy another country then we have enough money to ensure nobody is homeless or goes hungry.

If you try to steal a loaf of bread, and hurt no one in the process, America will throw you in prison.

If you try to steal an election, and hurt lots of people in the process, America with throw you a party, give you its most prestigious job, and millions of dollars to squander on your vulgarity.

surgeon: we're only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that's why we're here

After hearing how eating too much sugar and carbohydrates affects the human body I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to

I’m assuming that after you pump up the jam it must be refrigerated.

“Holy infant so tender and mild” will never not be funny, don’t write lyrics when you’re hungry.

I recommend no fewer than 4 copies of any beloved book. A paperback for traveling and lending to friends, an eBook for reading with greasy snack fingers, an audio book so you know how the characters' names are actually pronounced, and a pristine hardcover to be buried with you like a pharaoh

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

I hate that the big accounts never credit anyone anymore. I mean, even the "good guys". It's so gross.

When the time comes for us to ride, instead of doing it at dawn can we maybe ride at 10:30-ish?