i really have nothing i want to say

don't talk to me like you're above wanting to fuck an elf. don't come in here all high and mighty pretending like you don't want to fuck an elf

Me: "I think, as a species, we are too comfortable destroying microclimates and environments. There are too few remaining ecosystems as it is and biodiversity is tanking globally. Entire species are dying by the thousands. I won't add to that."

Mom: "you still gotta clean your room"

Me: "FUCK"

The last thing i want to do is hurt you. I have a few errands i want to run first

Christina Aguilera: 🎵 You are beautiful

Me: Hey, thanks!

Christina Aguilera: 🎵 No matter what they say

Me: Excuse me??

[Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

No actually I do not think I will be sharing any amount of anything I’ve done or that I like to “get to know me by”, I would prefer not to be known in any capacity

me: I hate when I walk into a room and forgot why I went in there haha

patient grabs my ankle: epipen

ME: oh you can call anyone daddy these days. guy, girl, genderless, it all works

DENTIST: ok but I’m asking you specifically to not call me that

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that's fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.