[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

(stoically chopping wood at a remote cabin)
Subway franchise manager: strange place to find the world's best sandwich artist
me: ..that's the past. I left that life behind

Benevolent coworker has started leaving cedar logs in my cubicle for me to gnaw on, helping to keep my teeth sharp and my coat shiny and lustrous

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette.

[commercial for rakes]

are you tired of eating leaves?

FRIEND: It's called cauliflower. It's not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

a choir of angelic voices singing the price is right theme heralds the appearance of an immense, omnipotent spokesmodel; her face teeming with brilliant eyes that see through all time, her sweeping hand presenting every product that has and will ever exist

It’s like my Nana always said “puff-puff, then pass, don’t fuck up the rotation”

[restaurant]

me: if it's a boy let's call him Barry

her: ok

waiter: good evening

me: good evening Barry

Honestly it's time for us to just capture the Democratic party and force it to respond to this crisis.

If you are mad and want to do something, take on a role in your local or state party and start bringing the fire and energy.

hey if your whole thing is we're fucked, the nazis won, there won't be any more elections and all of that, I GET IT, but just go live your life or something. stop replying to those of us out here fighting, those of us who remember that nazis have been defeated before, we had a whole war about it.