vampire private detective
@colindweir.bsky.social
I am inscrutable. I cannot be scruted. (he/him)
You’re telling me a simp Christed this mass?
shrimply having a wonderful fried rice time
November 8, 2025 at 9:57 PM
You’re telling me a simp Christed this mass?
Aunt Gladys vs Jason
November 8, 2025 at 9:52 PM
Aunt Gladys vs Jason
Photoshopped image of Reba McEntire wearing a black hood captioned Grim Reba.
October 16, 2025 at 1:47 AM
Photoshopped image of Reba McEntire wearing a black hood captioned Grim Reba.
This is my dance about how much transphobes suck.
October 9, 2025 at 11:24 PM
This is my dance about how much transphobes suck.
Daniel Day-Lewis is the Dog Day Afternoon of people names.
October 3, 2025 at 11:23 PM
Daniel Day-Lewis is the Dog Day Afternoon of people names.
Reposted by vampire private detective
if they don’t have an entire troop of chimps carry Jane Goodalls banana themed casket then what are we even doing
October 1, 2025 at 10:47 PM
if they don’t have an entire troop of chimps carry Jane Goodalls banana themed casket then what are we even doing
Time to make some weird lemonade.
one less thing i need to pick up at the grocery store
September 24, 2025 at 1:52 AM
Time to make some weird lemonade.
Reposted by vampire private detective
i threw a flaming jack-o-lantern head at you on a bridge pls respond
September 10, 2025 at 9:26 PM
i threw a flaming jack-o-lantern head at you on a bridge pls respond
Reposted by vampire private detective
If you have the sense of humor only you and the catty friends on social media you haven't grown out of since high-school in 20XX get, you don't have a sense of humor, you have a personality disorder.
August 31, 2025 at 5:12 AM
If you have the sense of humor only you and the catty friends on social media you haven't grown out of since high-school in 20XX get, you don't have a sense of humor, you have a personality disorder.
Reposted by vampire private detective
thank you for coming to my big announcement that was planned for weeks and not thrown together at the last second to get ahead of speculation that my health is in decline. alabama (taking a huge huff of a mysterious gas like dennis hopper in blue velvet) is in charge of space
September 2, 2025 at 3:38 PM
thank you for coming to my big announcement that was planned for weeks and not thrown together at the last second to get ahead of speculation that my health is in decline. alabama (taking a huge huff of a mysterious gas like dennis hopper in blue velvet) is in charge of space
Reposted by vampire private detective
I heard someone say Billy Joel looks like a pug that drank a potion to turn into a man and I can’t stop thinking about it. Also it was me who said it. I said it.
August 25, 2025 at 6:18 PM
I heard someone say Billy Joel looks like a pug that drank a potion to turn into a man and I can’t stop thinking about it. Also it was me who said it. I said it.
Reposted by vampire private detective
Movie/tv/music criticism is unbearable to listen to these days because poptimism has somehow convinced everyone that saying *anything* critical at all is some kind of impermissible snobbery. But lots of things suck! Bring back some snobbery, I say.
August 26, 2025 at 8:41 PM
Movie/tv/music criticism is unbearable to listen to these days because poptimism has somehow convinced everyone that saying *anything* critical at all is some kind of impermissible snobbery. But lots of things suck! Bring back some snobbery, I say.
The name’s Trades. Jackoval Trades.
August 24, 2025 at 5:49 PM
The name’s Trades. Jackoval Trades.
Reposted by vampire private detective
Pray for me to get better. There's nothing wrong with me. I just feel like I could be better. In general.
August 24, 2025 at 9:41 AM
Pray for me to get better. There's nothing wrong with me. I just feel like I could be better. In general.
Reposted by vampire private detective
it (noun): what it is.
August 20, 2025 at 1:53 AM
it (noun): what it is.
Reposted by vampire private detective
the earth is the america of the planets
August 7, 2025 at 2:08 AM
the earth is the america of the planets
Reposted by vampire private detective
It’s fine to look like shit and feel like shit and smell like shit. Your therapist won’t tell you this. Years at a time. Fine.
July 29, 2025 at 11:36 PM
It’s fine to look like shit and feel like shit and smell like shit. Your therapist won’t tell you this. Years at a time. Fine.
Reposted by vampire private detective
you know that part of Lovely Day by Bill Withers that feels like rocking back and forth in a padded room?
July 28, 2025 at 3:59 PM
you know that part of Lovely Day by Bill Withers that feels like rocking back and forth in a padded room?
Watching Death of a Unicorn. Crazy to see age finally catching up with Paul Rudd.
July 27, 2025 at 1:18 AM
Watching Death of a Unicorn. Crazy to see age finally catching up with Paul Rudd.
Ozzy Osbourne 1948, Ozzy Osdied 2025
July 22, 2025 at 9:35 PM
Ozzy Osbourne 1948, Ozzy Osdied 2025
Customer: "You have a face that is a sculptor's dream."
Me: "Are you a sculptor?"
Customer: "Yes. And I bet you're a Sagittarius."
Me: "Holy shit."
Me: "Are you a sculptor?"
Customer: "Yes. And I bet you're a Sagittarius."
Me: "Holy shit."
July 21, 2025 at 11:48 PM
Customer: "You have a face that is a sculptor's dream."
Me: "Are you a sculptor?"
Customer: "Yes. And I bet you're a Sagittarius."
Me: "Holy shit."
Me: "Are you a sculptor?"
Customer: "Yes. And I bet you're a Sagittarius."
Me: "Holy shit."