Alison the Read
@alisontheread.bsky.social
I’m here to drink tea and kick my own ass. And I’m all out of ass.
Pinned
Any racist who insists white people aren’t having enough babies has clearly never seen my Facebook feed.
I’m not “eating like crap,” I’m fattening myself up so that when civilization falls I have extra insulation for nuclear winter.
February 7, 2025 at 4:07 PM
I’m not “eating like crap,” I’m fattening myself up so that when civilization falls I have extra insulation for nuclear winter.
Reposted by Alison the Read
daughter: look daddy, I made you this picture!
me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this
me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this
January 17, 2025 at 7:34 PM
daughter: look daddy, I made you this picture!
me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this
me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this
Reposted by Alison the Read
It's always in the last place you look, unless you're one of those idiots who keeps looking after you find things.
November 19, 2024 at 4:27 PM
It's always in the last place you look, unless you're one of those idiots who keeps looking after you find things.
I’m using Taco Bell Fire Sauce and being really brave about it.
January 17, 2025 at 11:29 PM
I’m using Taco Bell Fire Sauce and being really brave about it.
Reposted by Alison the Read
women want me (because i know a lot of shark facts) men fear me (because i know more shark facts than them)
January 14, 2025 at 11:24 PM
women want me (because i know a lot of shark facts) men fear me (because i know more shark facts than them)
*doing stand-up*
okay but like…if you guys could see the stuff I say when no one’s watching me…like I promise I’m actually super funny. I’m like so quirky and rand-
*dodges tomato*
okay but like…if you guys could see the stuff I say when no one’s watching me…like I promise I’m actually super funny. I’m like so quirky and rand-
*dodges tomato*
January 15, 2025 at 4:46 AM
*doing stand-up*
okay but like…if you guys could see the stuff I say when no one’s watching me…like I promise I’m actually super funny. I’m like so quirky and rand-
*dodges tomato*
okay but like…if you guys could see the stuff I say when no one’s watching me…like I promise I’m actually super funny. I’m like so quirky and rand-
*dodges tomato*
Reposted by Alison the Read
Having a bad day? Close your eyes and imagine a raccoon having dinner with a family of opossums. "Pass the gravy" one might say. "These rolls are delicious" is heard from another. "I've never seen this amount of mashed potatoes in all my life" comes from the kid's table. Now breathe. Better?
January 14, 2025 at 12:45 AM
Having a bad day? Close your eyes and imagine a raccoon having dinner with a family of opossums. "Pass the gravy" one might say. "These rolls are delicious" is heard from another. "I've never seen this amount of mashed potatoes in all my life" comes from the kid's table. Now breathe. Better?
I’m legitimately very tired of the algorithms of disabled and chronically ill people being completely “cure alls” and expensive supplements/devices with little to no scientific evidence. It kills me because it’s so tempting. I want to believe in them, but I’ve been a sucker too many times.
January 15, 2025 at 1:40 AM
I’m legitimately very tired of the algorithms of disabled and chronically ill people being completely “cure alls” and expensive supplements/devices with little to no scientific evidence. It kills me because it’s so tempting. I want to believe in them, but I’ve been a sucker too many times.
Reposted by Alison the Read
We're making all your websites shitty and evil. What are you gonna do, log off and spend time with your family
January 14, 2025 at 10:45 PM
We're making all your websites shitty and evil. What are you gonna do, log off and spend time with your family
“You age so well! What’s your secret?”
I’ve got big eyes and no discernible cheek-bones. Also I act like a child.
I’ve got big eyes and no discernible cheek-bones. Also I act like a child.
January 14, 2025 at 10:29 PM
“You age so well! What’s your secret?”
I’ve got big eyes and no discernible cheek-bones. Also I act like a child.
I’ve got big eyes and no discernible cheek-bones. Also I act like a child.
Reposted by Alison the Read
Four years since my son wrote the best opening to a mystery novel ever written.
January 12, 2025 at 10:33 AM
Four years since my son wrote the best opening to a mystery novel ever written.
Reposted by Alison the Read
he has no idea what is going on and i’m so proud of him for it
January 14, 2025 at 7:25 PM
he has no idea what is going on and i’m so proud of him for it
Reposted by Alison the Read
Social media is the best place to dispute indisputable facts.
January 14, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Social media is the best place to dispute indisputable facts.
Reposted by Alison the Read
ME: I didn't choose the thug life
THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning
ME: I could not have been more clear
THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning
ME: I could not have been more clear
January 4, 2025 at 4:35 PM
ME: I didn't choose the thug life
THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning
ME: I could not have been more clear
THEM: you're eating soup in a cardigan at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning
ME: I could not have been more clear
I feel dirty every time I read “skeet.”
January 14, 2025 at 8:33 PM
I feel dirty every time I read “skeet.”
Reposted by Alison the Read
Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.
Me: *with chalk*
I. The head
A. The face
1. Eyes
2. Nose
3. Mouth
a. Teeth
Me: *with chalk*
I. The head
A. The face
1. Eyes
2. Nose
3. Mouth
a. Teeth
April 9, 2024 at 9:51 PM
Detective: We need to make a chalk outline of the body.
Me: *with chalk*
I. The head
A. The face
1. Eyes
2. Nose
3. Mouth
a. Teeth
Me: *with chalk*
I. The head
A. The face
1. Eyes
2. Nose
3. Mouth
a. Teeth
This is like a frat guy who didn’t study for a test at all but still wants an A.
Duckworth: How many nations are in ASEAN?
Hegseth: We have allies in South Korea, Japan, and Australia
Duckworth: None of those countries are in ASEAN
Hegseth: We have allies in South Korea, Japan, and Australia
Duckworth: None of those countries are in ASEAN
January 14, 2025 at 8:31 PM
This is like a frat guy who didn’t study for a test at all but still wants an A.
I blew my nose so hard yesterday that I couldn’t hear out of one ear and got like super dizzy, but otherwise I’m doing great.
CASHIER: Ma’am…
CASHIER: Ma’am…
January 14, 2025 at 8:27 PM
I blew my nose so hard yesterday that I couldn’t hear out of one ear and got like super dizzy, but otherwise I’m doing great.
CASHIER: Ma’am…
CASHIER: Ma’am…
Reposted by Alison the Read
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
January 14, 2025 at 4:51 PM
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[first date]
THEM: So what is your sense of humor like?
ME: *slurps wine* Excellent query! My sense of humor is akin to that of an adolescent male child from the late 1900s.
THEM: So what is your sense of humor like?
ME: *slurps wine* Excellent query! My sense of humor is akin to that of an adolescent male child from the late 1900s.
January 14, 2025 at 8:23 PM
[first date]
THEM: So what is your sense of humor like?
ME: *slurps wine* Excellent query! My sense of humor is akin to that of an adolescent male child from the late 1900s.
THEM: So what is your sense of humor like?
ME: *slurps wine* Excellent query! My sense of humor is akin to that of an adolescent male child from the late 1900s.
Reposted by Alison the Read
dating:
- hard work
- emotionally draining
- people say stupid things sometimes
having a cool rock:
- low maintenance
- emotionally fulfilling
- rocks don't talk or if they do it's in a language we don't understand
- hard work
- emotionally draining
- people say stupid things sometimes
having a cool rock:
- low maintenance
- emotionally fulfilling
- rocks don't talk or if they do it's in a language we don't understand
January 14, 2025 at 2:51 AM
dating:
- hard work
- emotionally draining
- people say stupid things sometimes
having a cool rock:
- low maintenance
- emotionally fulfilling
- rocks don't talk or if they do it's in a language we don't understand
- hard work
- emotionally draining
- people say stupid things sometimes
having a cool rock:
- low maintenance
- emotionally fulfilling
- rocks don't talk or if they do it's in a language we don't understand
Reposted by Alison the Read
I’m at your funeral and I just CANNOT stop talking
January 14, 2025 at 6:03 PM
I’m at your funeral and I just CANNOT stop talking
Reposted by Alison the Read
calling AAA to change the sheets in my race car bed
January 14, 2025 at 6:55 PM
calling AAA to change the sheets in my race car bed
Reposted by Alison the Read
me: what are you doing friday
jesus: dying for your sins
me: oh
jesus: yeah
me: well what about thursday
jesus: i’m washing like twelve guy’s feet
me: if you don’t want to see a movie with me you can just say it
jesus: dying for your sins
me: oh
jesus: yeah
me: well what about thursday
jesus: i’m washing like twelve guy’s feet
me: if you don’t want to see a movie with me you can just say it
January 13, 2025 at 11:58 PM
me: what are you doing friday
jesus: dying for your sins
me: oh
jesus: yeah
me: well what about thursday
jesus: i’m washing like twelve guy’s feet
me: if you don’t want to see a movie with me you can just say it
jesus: dying for your sins
me: oh
jesus: yeah
me: well what about thursday
jesus: i’m washing like twelve guy’s feet
me: if you don’t want to see a movie with me you can just say it