Zack Crass
@zackcrass.bsky.social
I write, ramble, and occasionally make sense. Had a truck, lost a truck. Got into some trouble, met a girl, fought a sorcerer, saved the world. What the hell.
He/Him/They * Queerling * Blanket Hog * Secretly Belial
He/Him/They * Queerling * Blanket Hog * Secretly Belial
Imagine being the person who walks into an unassuming café, whispers, "I may complain again when the grainy plains of Spain gain rain, Wayne," gets some nonsense reply, hands off a secret package, etc..
And that's literally their entire job.
And that's literally their entire job.
August 24, 2025 at 7:59 PM
Imagine being the person who walks into an unassuming café, whispers, "I may complain again when the grainy plains of Spain gain rain, Wayne," gets some nonsense reply, hands off a secret package, etc..
And that's literally their entire job.
And that's literally their entire job.
Personal Log, Stardate 4823:
Interrupted a "Battle Brows" game between Spock and Bones - Highest Arch contests, etc.. Asked why they don't abandon all pretense and just kiss already. Now it's been 2 days since I last saw them, and dammit, we've got frontiers to be bold about... or whatever.😡🫠
Interrupted a "Battle Brows" game between Spock and Bones - Highest Arch contests, etc.. Asked why they don't abandon all pretense and just kiss already. Now it's been 2 days since I last saw them, and dammit, we've got frontiers to be bold about... or whatever.😡🫠
August 24, 2025 at 1:22 AM
Personal Log, Stardate 4823:
Interrupted a "Battle Brows" game between Spock and Bones - Highest Arch contests, etc.. Asked why they don't abandon all pretense and just kiss already. Now it's been 2 days since I last saw them, and dammit, we've got frontiers to be bold about... or whatever.😡🫠
Interrupted a "Battle Brows" game between Spock and Bones - Highest Arch contests, etc.. Asked why they don't abandon all pretense and just kiss already. Now it's been 2 days since I last saw them, and dammit, we've got frontiers to be bold about... or whatever.😡🫠
Ever try for 40+ years and just seemingly for no reason?
August 21, 2025 at 3:01 AM
Ever try for 40+ years and just seemingly for no reason?
Reposted by Zack Crass
If you come across my house in the bombed out wastes of New St Louis, I've got a good loot drop in the basement
August 15, 2025 at 6:51 PM
If you come across my house in the bombed out wastes of New St Louis, I've got a good loot drop in the basement
Pretending I only know celebrities from their more obscure roles.
"Oh wow, Mayim Bialik? The actress from Pumpkinhead?"
"Of course I know Wayne Knight! He handed the shit out of a file to Kevin Costner in JFK!"
"Yeah, Margaret Cho, that FBI agent in Face/Off. Thought we'd have seen more of her."
"Oh wow, Mayim Bialik? The actress from Pumpkinhead?"
"Of course I know Wayne Knight! He handed the shit out of a file to Kevin Costner in JFK!"
"Yeah, Margaret Cho, that FBI agent in Face/Off. Thought we'd have seen more of her."
August 14, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Pretending I only know celebrities from their more obscure roles.
"Oh wow, Mayim Bialik? The actress from Pumpkinhead?"
"Of course I know Wayne Knight! He handed the shit out of a file to Kevin Costner in JFK!"
"Yeah, Margaret Cho, that FBI agent in Face/Off. Thought we'd have seen more of her."
"Oh wow, Mayim Bialik? The actress from Pumpkinhead?"
"Of course I know Wayne Knight! He handed the shit out of a file to Kevin Costner in JFK!"
"Yeah, Margaret Cho, that FBI agent in Face/Off. Thought we'd have seen more of her."
Reposted by Zack Crass
despite everything, i still believe in the potential of humankind to create utopia. but it will require hard work, courage, and above all else extremely deep v-necks that go almost down to the dick
August 1, 2025 at 12:59 AM
despite everything, i still believe in the potential of humankind to create utopia. but it will require hard work, courage, and above all else extremely deep v-necks that go almost down to the dick
Reposted by Zack Crass
There is so much going on in this society. Carve out time for yourself
July 30, 2025 at 1:45 PM
There is so much going on in this society. Carve out time for yourself
The look on this cat's face tells me all I need to know.
"Oh. You hate your cat."
"Oh. You hate your cat."
July 29, 2025 at 4:18 AM
The look on this cat's face tells me all I need to know.
"Oh. You hate your cat."
"Oh. You hate your cat."
When life starts spiraling, don't be afraid to rock the emo bangs, fire off some finger guns, wear all black, and dance menacingly in a shitty jazz club.
July 24, 2025 at 11:20 PM
When life starts spiraling, don't be afraid to rock the emo bangs, fire off some finger guns, wear all black, and dance menacingly in a shitty jazz club.
Reposted by Zack Crass
Just found out the "E.T." in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial actually stands for Emotional Terrorist.
He will expose your soggiest self to your kids while giving you the glowing finger.
Ouch indeed.
He will expose your soggiest self to your kids while giving you the glowing finger.
Ouch indeed.
July 19, 2025 at 3:14 AM
Just found out the "E.T." in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial actually stands for Emotional Terrorist.
He will expose your soggiest self to your kids while giving you the glowing finger.
Ouch indeed.
He will expose your soggiest self to your kids while giving you the glowing finger.
Ouch indeed.
Reposted by Zack Crass
TIMELINE: ok i hear what you're saying. but what if things got dumber
July 18, 2025 at 1:06 AM
TIMELINE: ok i hear what you're saying. but what if things got dumber
An app for lonely campers and hikers who need someone to groom their musky bits for ticks after a long, sweaty day in the woods... and maybe more.
Allogroom & Chill™️
"Because why not take this from the shower to the bedroom?"
-or-
"The Itchier Tinder."
Allogroom & Chill™️
"Because why not take this from the shower to the bedroom?"
-or-
"The Itchier Tinder."
July 17, 2025 at 8:47 PM
An app for lonely campers and hikers who need someone to groom their musky bits for ticks after a long, sweaty day in the woods... and maybe more.
Allogroom & Chill™️
"Because why not take this from the shower to the bedroom?"
-or-
"The Itchier Tinder."
Allogroom & Chill™️
"Because why not take this from the shower to the bedroom?"
-or-
"The Itchier Tinder."
Reposted by Zack Crass
Meatloaf: I would do anything for love...
Daryl Hall & John Oates: I can't go for that.
Meatloaf: ❤️
From the critically misunderstood Consent Power Ballad collalbum:
Boundaries Are Sexy
Daryl Hall & John Oates: I can't go for that.
Meatloaf: ❤️
From the critically misunderstood Consent Power Ballad collalbum:
Boundaries Are Sexy
July 16, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Meatloaf: I would do anything for love...
Daryl Hall & John Oates: I can't go for that.
Meatloaf: ❤️
From the critically misunderstood Consent Power Ballad collalbum:
Boundaries Are Sexy
Daryl Hall & John Oates: I can't go for that.
Meatloaf: ❤️
From the critically misunderstood Consent Power Ballad collalbum:
Boundaries Are Sexy
Reposted by Zack Crass
Reposted by Zack Crass
In 1996 Al Gore caught hell for making fund raising calls from a White House phone!
It’s amazing what constituted a scandal in the days when laws applied to everyone and the president wasn’t openly taking multibillion dollar bribes.
July 14, 2025 at 12:07 AM
In 1996 Al Gore caught hell for making fund raising calls from a White House phone!
Me: sleeps for 18 hours
Also me: anxiety spiral for the other 6
New reality TV idea:
ALONE, but for people like me.
Who will outlast their panic before their next hypohibernation...
...and who will tap out?
Coming soon:
ALONE: With My Thoughts
Also me: anxiety spiral for the other 6
New reality TV idea:
ALONE, but for people like me.
Who will outlast their panic before their next hypohibernation...
...and who will tap out?
Coming soon:
ALONE: With My Thoughts
July 13, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Me: sleeps for 18 hours
Also me: anxiety spiral for the other 6
New reality TV idea:
ALONE, but for people like me.
Who will outlast their panic before their next hypohibernation...
...and who will tap out?
Coming soon:
ALONE: With My Thoughts
Also me: anxiety spiral for the other 6
New reality TV idea:
ALONE, but for people like me.
Who will outlast their panic before their next hypohibernation...
...and who will tap out?
Coming soon:
ALONE: With My Thoughts
Meatloaf Attempt #1.
Ugly. Structurally sound. Shockingly tasty. Then...
Do I live in a dumpster with a graceless raccoon? No.
I live with a sociopath.
My stomach hurts. This experience has changed me.
I trust no one.
#MeatloafGate #NeverAgain #WhoDoesThat #IPukedInMyMouth #AreHashtagsStillCool
Ugly. Structurally sound. Shockingly tasty. Then...
Do I live in a dumpster with a graceless raccoon? No.
I live with a sociopath.
My stomach hurts. This experience has changed me.
I trust no one.
#MeatloafGate #NeverAgain #WhoDoesThat #IPukedInMyMouth #AreHashtagsStillCool
July 11, 2025 at 11:04 PM
Meatloaf Attempt #1.
Ugly. Structurally sound. Shockingly tasty. Then...
Do I live in a dumpster with a graceless raccoon? No.
I live with a sociopath.
My stomach hurts. This experience has changed me.
I trust no one.
#MeatloafGate #NeverAgain #WhoDoesThat #IPukedInMyMouth #AreHashtagsStillCool
Ugly. Structurally sound. Shockingly tasty. Then...
Do I live in a dumpster with a graceless raccoon? No.
I live with a sociopath.
My stomach hurts. This experience has changed me.
I trust no one.
#MeatloafGate #NeverAgain #WhoDoesThat #IPukedInMyMouth #AreHashtagsStillCool
Reposted by Zack Crass
I know everyone is bored of posts like this, but I just got a packet of crisps out of the cupboard and they were hot like they'd been in the oven and I think that's probably bad.
July 11, 2025 at 12:51 PM
I know everyone is bored of posts like this, but I just got a packet of crisps out of the cupboard and they were hot like they'd been in the oven and I think that's probably bad.
Excerpt from my screenplay TOM WICK
Scene 1:
Phone rings.
Tom pauses feeding his cat.
It's his manager at the temp agency.
MANAGER:
"Don't bother coming back. You're literally the worst at everything."
TOM:
"Okay."
He resumes feeding the cat.
It purrs.
Tom smiles a little.
Then kisses it.
Scene 1:
Phone rings.
Tom pauses feeding his cat.
It's his manager at the temp agency.
MANAGER:
"Don't bother coming back. You're literally the worst at everything."
TOM:
"Okay."
He resumes feeding the cat.
It purrs.
Tom smiles a little.
Then kisses it.
July 11, 2025 at 1:36 AM
Excerpt from my screenplay TOM WICK
Scene 1:
Phone rings.
Tom pauses feeding his cat.
It's his manager at the temp agency.
MANAGER:
"Don't bother coming back. You're literally the worst at everything."
TOM:
"Okay."
He resumes feeding the cat.
It purrs.
Tom smiles a little.
Then kisses it.
Scene 1:
Phone rings.
Tom pauses feeding his cat.
It's his manager at the temp agency.
MANAGER:
"Don't bother coming back. You're literally the worst at everything."
TOM:
"Okay."
He resumes feeding the cat.
It purrs.
Tom smiles a little.
Then kisses it.
Red Delicious Apples were the only fruit in our house growing up. That's how I know my parents either didn't actually eat fruit or didn't love us. Maybe both.
June 29, 2025 at 4:01 AM
Red Delicious Apples were the only fruit in our house growing up. That's how I know my parents either didn't actually eat fruit or didn't love us. Maybe both.
Reposted by Zack Crass
Welcome to all the newskies.
Our credentials are readily available.
Here is a cat.
Our credentials are readily available.
Here is a cat.
September 12, 2023 at 10:47 PM
Welcome to all the newskies.
Our credentials are readily available.
Here is a cat.
Our credentials are readily available.
Here is a cat.
When I leave my wallet in the car, I shove it down between the seat and center console. What sane burglar is reaching into that probably-wet-but-at-least-moist pit of despair where lost eras of my life live hand-in-sticky-hand with wayward gummy bears and a McDonald's fry hard enough to be a shiv?
June 25, 2025 at 8:14 PM
When I leave my wallet in the car, I shove it down between the seat and center console. What sane burglar is reaching into that probably-wet-but-at-least-moist pit of despair where lost eras of my life live hand-in-sticky-hand with wayward gummy bears and a McDonald's fry hard enough to be a shiv?