Pinned
[Big Scream]
@turdfartlet.bsky.social
· Aug 17
Her: What's your dream date?
Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage.
Her: What?
Me: Uhhhh
Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!
Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage.
Her: What?
Me: Uhhhh
Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!
Reposted by [Big Scream]
Easy choice if you're a deer deciding where to buy a house
November 17, 2025 at 3:53 PM
Easy choice if you're a deer deciding where to buy a house
Me: A fecal transplant? My friends are all gonna give me shit!
Doctor: No I'll be doing that.
Doctor: No I'll be doing that.
November 17, 2025 at 8:35 PM
Me: A fecal transplant? My friends are all gonna give me shit!
Doctor: No I'll be doing that.
Doctor: No I'll be doing that.
*nuzzling your leg, purring like a cat* "Violence is always an option"
November 17, 2025 at 4:49 PM
*nuzzling your leg, purring like a cat* "Violence is always an option"
Traveling back in time to 16th century England absolutely blasting my lutes with a weightlifting bard.
November 17, 2025 at 3:12 PM
Traveling back in time to 16th century England absolutely blasting my lutes with a weightlifting bard.
[Sadly peeling one of the tenticle monster bumper stickers off my minivan]
November 17, 2025 at 2:49 PM
[Sadly peeling one of the tenticle monster bumper stickers off my minivan]
Reposted by [Big Scream]
JESUS: This bread... is my body. Go on, take it, pass it around. This wine... is my blood. These grapes are my eyeballs
JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it--
JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts
JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it--
JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts
November 15, 2025 at 11:42 PM
JESUS: This bread... is my body. Go on, take it, pass it around. This wine... is my blood. These grapes are my eyeballs
JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it--
JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts
JUDAS: I don't think you're supposed to tell us it's grapes. I think you just let us feel it--
JESUS: Shut up dude. Now this cold spaghetti... is my guts
[Country Club]
Me: One golf, please.
Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir?
Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee!
Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!
Me: One golf, please.
Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir?
Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee!
Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!
November 16, 2025 at 7:43 PM
[Country Club]
Me: One golf, please.
Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir?
Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee!
Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!
Me: One golf, please.
Concierge: ... Do you have a tee time, sir?
Me: Haha good heavens no, but I've got time for coffee!
Concierge: Get the fuck out of here!
For only 30 cents a day you can get kicked in the head by a horse
November 16, 2025 at 7:37 PM
For only 30 cents a day you can get kicked in the head by a horse
Oh you guys are just "horsin' around"?
Just "kicking dudes in the head"?
Just "shitting wherever you want"?
Hell yeah.
Just "kicking dudes in the head"?
Just "shitting wherever you want"?
Hell yeah.
November 16, 2025 at 4:16 PM
Oh you guys are just "horsin' around"?
Just "kicking dudes in the head"?
Just "shitting wherever you want"?
Hell yeah.
Just "kicking dudes in the head"?
Just "shitting wherever you want"?
Hell yeah.
The Green M&M's rapid rise to political power leads me to believe she might be a Manchurian Candydate.
November 15, 2025 at 4:39 PM
The Green M&M's rapid rise to political power leads me to believe she might be a Manchurian Candydate.
Me: These boots were made for Walken
Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those?
Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..
Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those?
Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..
November 13, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Me: These boots were made for Walken
Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those?
Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..
Christopher Walken: Where the hell did you get those?
Me: Your cobbler sends his regards..
Reposted by [Big Scream]
GHOST OF ME: (watching my corpse get tossed atop a huge pile of bodies) let's fuckin goooo king of the pile
May 4, 2025 at 12:03 AM
GHOST OF ME: (watching my corpse get tossed atop a huge pile of bodies) let's fuckin goooo king of the pile
An offer I can't refuse?
What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?
What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?
November 13, 2025 at 3:38 AM
An offer I can't refuse?
What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?
What're you gonna give me a whole bunch of lithium batteries?
You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me.
Like 10:30 at the latest.
Like 10:30 at the latest.
November 12, 2025 at 6:19 AM
You'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me.
Like 10:30 at the latest.
Like 10:30 at the latest.
The episode where Barney goes extinct.
Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.
Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.
November 12, 2025 at 4:36 AM
The episode where Barney goes extinct.
Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.
Still can't believe they showed him vaporizing from the blast wave.
Reposted by [Big Scream]
Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?
November 10, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?
Oh weird, every single answer on Jeopardy tonight is Sugma.
November 11, 2025 at 5:51 AM
Oh weird, every single answer on Jeopardy tonight is Sugma.
Reposted by [Big Scream]
Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal
November 10, 2025 at 10:13 PM
Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal
Reposted by [Big Scream]
When there’s a little more dinner you can eat while you’re cleaning up, that’s called The Cleaner Upper’s Delight
November 11, 2025 at 2:58 AM
When there’s a little more dinner you can eat while you’re cleaning up, that’s called The Cleaner Upper’s Delight
Reposted by [Big Scream]
True connoisseurs know that the tastiest juices are in the limbs, which have to be cracked like crab legs to drink the precious fluids inside
February 7, 2024 at 3:30 PM
True connoisseurs know that the tastiest juices are in the limbs, which have to be cracked like crab legs to drink the precious fluids inside
You could get lost in my eyes?
How would that even work?
What the hell are you even talking about?
You trying to steal my eyes??
How would that even work?
What the hell are you even talking about?
You trying to steal my eyes??
November 10, 2025 at 6:28 PM
You could get lost in my eyes?
How would that even work?
What the hell are you even talking about?
You trying to steal my eyes??
How would that even work?
What the hell are you even talking about?
You trying to steal my eyes??
*wavedashing around like a little critter*
November 10, 2025 at 2:59 PM
*wavedashing around like a little critter*
Reposted by [Big Scream]
the important thing is that Waldo finds himself
November 9, 2025 at 6:15 PM
the important thing is that Waldo finds himself
Reposted by [Big Scream]
Sorry I can’t go. I have horse rehearsal. I have rehorsal. We rehearse the horses, all kinds. Usually there are a few of us at rehorsal and everyone has different kinds of horse for it. For horse rehearsal. Rehorsal
November 10, 2025 at 4:04 AM
Sorry I can’t go. I have horse rehearsal. I have rehorsal. We rehearse the horses, all kinds. Usually there are a few of us at rehorsal and everyone has different kinds of horse for it. For horse rehearsal. Rehorsal
Cricket: Haha do you think these wings make me look fat?
Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel.
Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me?
Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.
Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel.
Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me?
Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.
November 10, 2025 at 2:30 PM
Cricket: Haha do you think these wings make me look fat?
Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel.
Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me?
Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.
Pinocchio: No. I think they make you look like a plump little morsel.
Cricket: Plump little morsel? You messing with me?
Pinocchio: *nose not growing an inch* Haha yeah, just kidding.