Who will stop the Piano Man's reign of terror?!

Nothing comes out of these water jets but lies and insinuations. Why did I buy a j'accuzzi?

I've been getting back into the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series after many years, and the most relatable part is how everyday objects like doors and elevators have been imbued with artificial intelligence and it just makes them obnoxious and frustrating to use and everyone hates it.

[gives country music yet another chance]

Nope, I was right the other million times.

don’t give them their freedom, because they’re not going to give you yours

Kenyan #journalist Alvin Kaunda was reporting live from Nairobi when a curious baby #elephant, Kindani, decided to join the broadcast. The playful elephant stuck her trunk in Alvin's mouth, making for a hilarious moment! A joyful reminder of wildlife's charm and the work of the Sheldrick Trust!

Editor: You get those photos of that Mangione character's first court appearance?
Photographer: Sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.
Editor: what

Japan's Akatsuki spacecraft takes the clearest picture of Venus ever made

“you have died of dysentery” was not meant to be aspirational

the feds: stop trying to turn this guy into some cool antihero with a badass public image

also the feds: *treat him like they’ve captured the joker*

Yeah I’m into pegging

GROCER: Did you grow any Brussels sprouts?

FARMER: Sure did, real fuckin sexy just like you asked.

GROCER: what