John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
Bill Clinton to Hillary: "I had a few too many... He had a wig on... She told me her name was Donna."
November 15, 2025 at 2:39 AM
Bill Clinton to Hillary: "I had a few too many... He had a wig on... She told me her name was Donna."
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
November 15, 2025 at 2:15 AM
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
November 13, 2025 at 9:40 AM
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
November 12, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
November 11, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.
November 6, 2025 at 9:34 PM
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
October 30, 2025 at 2:28 AM
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
October 26, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
October 25, 2025 at 4:55 PM
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
You can tell Trump dumped feces on liberals in that video because if it was MAGA they would’ve had their mouths open begging for more.
October 20, 2025 at 6:22 PM
You can tell Trump dumped feces on liberals in that video because if it was MAGA they would’ve had their mouths open begging for more.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Young Republicans
October 17, 2025 at 7:04 PM
Young Republicans
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Trump is sending the military into various cities as practice, so the troops will be ready when he holds his second coup and refuses to yield power after his term is up. Or when he scuttles the 2026 elections. The rest is just noise and distraction.
October 17, 2025 at 1:36 PM
Trump is sending the military into various cities as practice, so the troops will be ready when he holds his second coup and refuses to yield power after his term is up. Or when he scuttles the 2026 elections. The rest is just noise and distraction.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE GOING TO FORGET.
Pritzker: "Stephen Miller is clearly ordering people to break the law. So he should know that yeah, it may be three years from now that he is held accountable, but I think it's important for them to know that whatever they do now, it's not like we're going to forget."
October 17, 2025 at 2:09 AM
IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE GOING TO FORGET.
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
October 17, 2025 at 3:30 AM
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
FUCK ICE
I'm at the scene where ICE abducted multiple people from Lincoln and Foster this morning.
A WGN producer was among the people taken, allegedly because she was among a group of bystanders who tried to intervene. ICE agents hit this car while making their getaway.
A WGN producer was among the people taken, allegedly because she was among a group of bystanders who tried to intervene. ICE agents hit this car while making their getaway.
October 10, 2025 at 2:58 PM
FUCK ICE
Later today:
October 10, 2025 at 1:18 PM
Later today:
Rolling Stone
@rollingstone.com
· 43m
Meet the German virtuoso who's just been hired as Rush's new drummer, replacing the late, great Neil Peart.
Or… hear me out…
Meet the American skin beater who’s sucked at drumming since 1989, imitating the late, great Neil Peart.
@rollingstone.com
· 43m
Meet the German virtuoso who's just been hired as Rush's new drummer, replacing the late, great Neil Peart.
Or… hear me out…
Meet the American skin beater who’s sucked at drumming since 1989, imitating the late, great Neil Peart.
October 10, 2025 at 4:49 AM
Rolling Stone
@rollingstone.com
· 43m
Meet the German virtuoso who's just been hired as Rush's new drummer, replacing the late, great Neil Peart.
Or… hear me out…
Meet the American skin beater who’s sucked at drumming since 1989, imitating the late, great Neil Peart.
@rollingstone.com
· 43m
Meet the German virtuoso who's just been hired as Rush's new drummer, replacing the late, great Neil Peart.
Or… hear me out…
Meet the American skin beater who’s sucked at drumming since 1989, imitating the late, great Neil Peart.
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
October 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
I can’t not believe how hard it is to sleep when you’re watching your country, be dismantled by the dumbest people.
October 5, 2025 at 12:09 PM
I can’t not believe how hard it is to sleep when you’re watching your country, be dismantled by the dumbest people.
Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.
September 30, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.
Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.
September 25, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
McSweeney's publishing Trump's speech as satire was 100% the correct call.
"It looks like they’re pumping into a horse. You have a little child, a little fragile child, and you get a vat of eighty different vaccines, I guess. Eighty different blends, and they pump it in... So, ideally, a woman won't take Tylenol."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
They Pump So Much Stuff Into Those Beautiful Little Babies
So I’ve been waiting for this meeting for twenty years, actually. And it’s not that everything’s a hundred percent understood or known, but I think...
www.mcsweeneys.net
September 23, 2025 at 9:47 PM
McSweeney's publishing Trump's speech as satire was 100% the correct call.
My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.
September 16, 2025 at 12:23 AM
My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.