John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
October 30, 2025 at 2:28 AM
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
October 26, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
October 25, 2025 at 4:55 PM
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
October 17, 2025 at 3:30 AM
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
Later today:
October 10, 2025 at 1:18 PM
Later today:
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
October 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.
September 30, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.
Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.
September 25, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.
My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.
September 16, 2025 at 12:23 AM
My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.
I believe that big balls should be beaten every night.
August 6, 2025 at 11:52 PM
I believe that big balls should be beaten every night.
In honor of the world's greatest madman entertainer, I wrote this tribute to Ozzy. By singing about darkness he helped me and many others through darkness. #RIPOzzy #OzzyOsbourne
July 22, 2025 at 9:17 PM
In honor of the world's greatest madman entertainer, I wrote this tribute to Ozzy. By singing about darkness he helped me and many others through darkness. #RIPOzzy #OzzyOsbourne
A few years back, my wife and I went as Quint and Jaws. Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) was on hand to witness. Happy 50th Jaws!
June 20, 2025 at 3:19 PM
A few years back, my wife and I went as Quint and Jaws. Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) was on hand to witness. Happy 50th Jaws!
I think she meant "Spine of Steal".
April 8, 2025 at 7:55 PM
I think she meant "Spine of Steal".
Just back from a taking the trash out.
January 20, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Just back from a taking the trash out.
Thanks @whiskeytit.bsky.social for publishing 2 of my very darkest, strangest flash fiction stories (and drawings) in your latest issue!
whiskeytit.com/wt-journal-i...
whiskeytit.com/wt-journal-i...
December 3, 2024 at 12:51 AM
Thanks @whiskeytit.bsky.social for publishing 2 of my very darkest, strangest flash fiction stories (and drawings) in your latest issue!
whiskeytit.com/wt-journal-i...
whiskeytit.com/wt-journal-i...
December 25, 2023 at 6:40 PM
My wife and I are in disagreement. I say the fella "Elmer" on the school glue bottle is an evil white pig man wearing a buffalo lodge hat. Bless her heart, she thinks this creature is a "cow".
December 21, 2023 at 12:47 AM
My wife and I are in disagreement. I say the fella "Elmer" on the school glue bottle is an evil white pig man wearing a buffalo lodge hat. Bless her heart, she thinks this creature is a "cow".
This year's pumpkin salutes 50 years of nightmares brought to you by William Friedkin's The Exorcist.
October 30, 2023 at 7:33 PM
This year's pumpkin salutes 50 years of nightmares brought to you by William Friedkin's The Exorcist.
Props to Amazon for marketing the Sly Stallone movie Cobra to Cobra VersaHook shoppers. 2 hooks for $51? Now the $2.99 movie rent price seems like a bargain!
September 30, 2023 at 5:25 PM
Props to Amazon for marketing the Sly Stallone movie Cobra to Cobra VersaHook shoppers. 2 hooks for $51? Now the $2.99 movie rent price seems like a bargain!