John Howard Matthews
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johnmatthews.bsky.social
John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.

website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.

"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
October 30, 2025 at 2:28 AM
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
October 26, 2025 at 6:22 PM
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
October 25, 2025 at 4:55 PM
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
October 17, 2025 at 3:30 AM
Later today:
October 10, 2025 at 1:18 PM
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
October 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
September 30, 2025 at 10:53 PM
Photo I took of UIC welcoming Trump to campus in 2016.
September 30, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Evangelical recording artist The Escalators new release on K-Tel Records: Walk With Me.
September 25, 2025 at 11:36 AM
My handy insect identifier app correctly identified this as a spider. No fooling those insect apps.
September 16, 2025 at 12:23 AM
I believe that big balls should be beaten every night.
August 6, 2025 at 11:52 PM
In honor of the world's greatest madman entertainer, I wrote this tribute to Ozzy. By singing about darkness he helped me and many others through darkness. #RIPOzzy #OzzyOsbourne
July 22, 2025 at 9:17 PM
A few years back, my wife and I went as Quint and Jaws. Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster) was on hand to witness. Happy 50th Jaws!
June 20, 2025 at 3:19 PM
I think she meant "Spine of Steal".
April 8, 2025 at 7:55 PM
February 24, 2025 at 12:15 AM
Just back from a taking the trash out.
January 20, 2025 at 5:01 PM
December 17, 2024 at 2:49 AM
December 16, 2024 at 10:24 PM
December 11, 2024 at 11:35 PM
Thanks @whiskeytit.bsky.social for publishing 2 of my very darkest, strangest flash fiction stories (and drawings) in your latest issue!

whiskeytit.com/wt-journal-i...
December 3, 2024 at 12:51 AM
This year give The Thing . . . The ultimate in regifting.

@outpost31.bsky.social
December 25, 2023 at 6:40 PM
My wife and I are in disagreement. I say the fella "Elmer" on the school glue bottle is an evil white pig man wearing a buffalo lodge hat. Bless her heart, she thinks this creature is a "cow".
December 21, 2023 at 12:47 AM
This year's pumpkin salutes 50 years of nightmares brought to you by William Friedkin's The Exorcist.
October 30, 2023 at 7:33 PM
Props to Amazon for marketing the Sly Stallone movie Cobra to Cobra VersaHook shoppers. 2 hooks for $51? Now the $2.99 movie rent price seems like a bargain!
September 30, 2023 at 5:25 PM