John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
Oh.... My favorite book of his. Read it many times. So many great quotes.
“Anytime anything of real dignity appears in this country, it’s torn to shreds and thrown to the mob.”
— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
“Anytime anything of real dignity appears in this country, it’s torn to shreds and thrown to the mob.”
— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
February 18, 2026 at 6:23 PM
Oh.... My favorite book of his. Read it many times. So many great quotes.
“Anytime anything of real dignity appears in this country, it’s torn to shreds and thrown to the mob.”
— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
“Anytime anything of real dignity appears in this country, it’s torn to shreds and thrown to the mob.”
— Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night
The crime of not cleaning her room until it was spotless enough.
February 16, 2026 at 10:26 PM
The crime of not cleaning her room until it was spotless enough.
This is the kind of thing that will give waterboarding a bad reputation.
Wasatch County GOP chairman accused of waterboarding teen daughter
A Heber City man, who is also the Wasatch County GOP chairman, was charged Wednesday with aggravated child abuse, a first-degree felony, and accused of waterboarding his teen daughter as a form of pun...
www.ksl.com
February 16, 2026 at 10:08 PM
This is the kind of thing that will give waterboarding a bad reputation.
Great piece in PIC today. A sage warning to fortify the love shack or meditation pod while there's still time.
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
Valentine Preparedness Advisory and Emergency Response Protocol
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
www.pointsincase.com
February 12, 2026 at 3:16 PM
Great piece in PIC today. A sage warning to fortify the love shack or meditation pod while there's still time.
It depends on the day I guess. Both are spot-on and worthy to deploy as needed. LBFT has wider coverage and a smoother acronym.
February 5, 2026 at 5:20 PM
It depends on the day I guess. Both are spot-on and worthy to deploy as needed. LBFT has wider coverage and a smoother acronym.
Thrilled to have my humor piece on data breaches published by @pointsincase!
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
We Are Truly Sorry About This Latest Data Breach
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
www.pointsincase.com
January 27, 2026 at 9:04 PM
Thrilled to have my humor piece on data breaches published by @pointsincase!
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
Now available publicly (and probably on the dark web too). 🔓💻
I’ve just been notified that my private, sensitive humor piece about data breaches has been made publicly available on the internet.
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
We Are Truly Sorry About This Latest Data Breach
We hired a private detective named Rona Mudberry, who spent several days trying to crack the case before admitting she doesn’t really “get computers.”
www.pointsincase.com
January 27, 2026 at 3:10 PM
I’ve just been notified that my private, sensitive humor piece about data breaches has been made publicly available on the internet.
I'm Mister Green Christmas
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One
They call me Heat Miser
Whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One
They call me Heat Miser
Whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!
January 22, 2026 at 1:33 PM
I'm Mister Green Christmas
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One
They call me Heat Miser
Whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!
I'm Mister Sun
I'm Mister Heat Blister
I'm Mister Hundred and One
They call me Heat Miser
Whatever I touch
Starts to melt in my clutch
I'm too much!
I'm Donald Trump and I'll be making up numbers for the next hour or so. Enjoy the show! And if you like these numbers, I'm available to make some up for you personally at your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, graduation, birthday... whatever. See Leavitt on the way out.
January 21, 2026 at 2:27 PM
I'm Donald Trump and I'll be making up numbers for the next hour or so. Enjoy the show! And if you like these numbers, I'm available to make some up for you personally at your wedding, Bar Mitzvah, graduation, birthday... whatever. See Leavitt on the way out.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
Fuck It! Movie Trailer Just Going to Show You the Whole Thing
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
www.pointsincase.com
January 15, 2026 at 1:12 PM
Don’t you think it would just be easier to watch this than the actual movie? Trust me, these are the best parts, the rest is just extra.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Saint Paul schools will be closed Tuesday and Wednesday to prepare for optional online learning.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
January 15, 2026 at 1:05 AM
Saint Paul schools will be closed Tuesday and Wednesday to prepare for optional online learning.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
I’ve seen schools close for snow, for pandemic, for natural disaster. I’ve never seen schools close because of threat from our own government.
When Boston's get spooked, it's not hard to tell.
January 13, 2026 at 11:36 PM
When Boston's get spooked, it's not hard to tell.
Until this vote is taken, I will be on the edge of my (shower) seat.
January 9, 2026 at 6:44 PM
Until this vote is taken, I will be on the edge of my (shower) seat.
“The House is scheduled to vote next week on GOP legislation to codify Trump’s push for more powerful showerheads.”—The Week
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
January 9, 2026 at 12:40 PM
“The House is scheduled to vote next week on GOP legislation to codify Trump’s push for more powerful showerheads.”—The Week
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
I’m on the edge of my shower seat.
Timeline cleanse: This is my furnace.
January 9, 2026 at 4:48 AM
Timeline cleanse: This is my furnace.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
New survival show idea: Donald Trump has to figure out what groceries are, then buy some, and prepare all his own food for a month.
January 2, 2026 at 10:16 PM
New survival show idea: Donald Trump has to figure out what groceries are, then buy some, and prepare all his own food for a month.
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
December 19, 2025 at 12:59 AM
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
December 18, 2025 at 1:29 AM
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
December 17, 2025 at 10:44 PM
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
December 5, 2025 at 8:29 PM
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household
“Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...
www.mcsweeneys.net
December 4, 2025 at 11:19 PM
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
The Day Donald Trump Turned Into Mamdani’s Beta
A study in one man standing tall and another crumpling like a cellophane sack of half congealed bacon fat.
open.substack.com
November 23, 2025 at 2:12 AM
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.
November 21, 2025 at 3:45 PM
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.