McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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Reposted by McSweeney's
"Many of you seem to be particularly hung up on the fact that I repeatedly talked to you about whether or not tailor Swift would be attending the big game this year."
When I Invited All of You Over to Watch the “The Big Game,” I Assumed You Knew I Was Talking about Human Chess
I don’t know why you’re all so upset. I’m sorry if there’s some “other event” that you were all more excited about that’s apparently also happening...
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February 10, 2026 at 3:01 AM
"Many of you seem to be particularly hung up on the fact that I repeatedly talked to you about whether or not tailor Swift would be attending the big game this year."
Reposted by McSweeney's
An all time classic
"Reminds me of childhood memories..."
Redundant. You either have a memory, or you’re reminded of something. You’re not reminded of a memory. Heavy metal fans won’t stand for such writing, my friend.
Redundant. You either have a memory, or you’re reminded of something. You’re not reminded of a memory. Heavy metal fans won’t stand for such writing, my friend.
Notes on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor
Hi, Axl — Just got your manuscript and demo for the song “Sweet Child O’ [sic] Mine.” I think we need to talk. As your editor, I am responsible for...
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February 10, 2026 at 2:01 AM
An all time classic
Reposted by McSweeney's
Late stage Gen X concurs
"Keep standing in line for cronuts, listening to Mumford & Sons, and watching videos of men unboxing sneakers. We know we complained about these things in the past, but we’ve come to realize that you, the man who brews beer in our closet, are the most evolved of your species."
An Open Letter to the Soft Millennial Man Now Facing Extinction
Dear Soft Millennial Man, You’ve been quiet lately, but we know you’re still out there. You’re probably hiding out at Whole Foods until this whole ...
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February 6, 2026 at 2:41 AM
Late stage Gen X concurs
Reposted by McSweeney's
"People think of the USA as a nation of immigrants and the land of opportunity, but the truth is, this country can’t afford to welcome all the migrants who want to live here. In fact, we barely have any money at all, because destroying the lives of immigrants is very expensive."
There Is Limited Money in Our Big, Beautiful Budget, So We Need to Spend as Much of It as Possible to Keep Ruining Immigrants’ Lives
“The $170 billion price tag for immigration enforcement eclipses other law enforcement expenditures at the federal, state, and local level…. The la...
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February 9, 2026 at 1:27 PM
"People think of the USA as a nation of immigrants and the land of opportunity, but the truth is, this country can’t afford to welcome all the migrants who want to live here. In fact, we barely have any money at all, because destroying the lives of immigrants is very expensive."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Incisive and grimly hilarious
"Quite frankly, I think it’s time to question our society’s stigma about eating people. It was perfectly acceptable in many cultures in the past."
Just Because I Hung Out in the Cannibal King’s Murder Basement, It Does Not Make Me a Murderous Cannibal
“If I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epste...
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February 9, 2026 at 6:13 PM
Incisive and grimly hilarious
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
Ask Mike Tyson: Can I Have This Food or Drink?
A quart of ice cream every hour? No. Any processed food? No. What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl? No. Really? Not Pringl...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 4:18 PM
"Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Holishit. @mcsweeneys.net’s spitting facts.
"I forced the shape of English onto resisting tongues and then dared to call it 'broken.'"
I’m Still Your America
Hey, patriot. It’s been a week. As ICE spreads terror through the streets, and Teacup Eichmann presided over the murder of yet another innocent civ...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 4:57 AM
Holishit. @mcsweeneys.net’s spitting facts.
Reposted by McSweeney's
"For once in my life, I can let people come to me with pitches about why they think they’d be perfect for me, rather than messaging with matches who didn’t even bother to read my profile."
buff.ly/ermqrKk
buff.ly/ermqrKk
Tinder Hasn’t Worked, So I’m Putting Myself on Zillow
After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, ...
www.mcsweeneys.net
February 9, 2026 at 3:00 AM
"For once in my life, I can let people come to me with pitches about why they think they’d be perfect for me, rather than messaging with matches who didn’t even bother to read my profile."
buff.ly/ermqrKk
buff.ly/ermqrKk
"As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning, I want to address a growing concern on campus: the rumor that asynchronous online classes are 'basically a scam.'"
The Next Innovation in Higher Education: Vibe-Teaching™
As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning (OAOCSCHIL, an office we crea...
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February 11, 2026 at 7:30 PM
"As the associate vice provost for the Office of Asynchronous Online Courses for Student-Centered High-Impact Learning, I want to address a growing concern on campus: the rumor that asynchronous online classes are 'basically a scam.'"
Reposted by McSweeney's
In today’s edition of “I can’t tell the news from the satire anymore”:
"Growth projections for the coming year are through the roof. You all have done an amazing job ushering in a new era of success for this company. So amazing, in fact, that we have no choice but to let you all go."
Our Company Is Doing So Well That You’re All Fired
“Paramount Global lays off about 800 employees, a day after announcing record Super Bowl ratings.” — CNBC - - -Thank you for jumping on this last-m...
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February 11, 2026 at 6:20 PM
In today’s edition of “I can’t tell the news from the satire anymore”:
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices."
I’m Abraham Lincoln and I Beg of You, Please Commemorate My Birthday with Mattress Sales
Dear citizens, I know that I am not well. Amid this evening at Ford’s Theatre, my body has borne within it an abominable manifestation of political...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices."
"Growth projections for the coming year are through the roof. You all have done an amazing job ushering in a new era of success for this company. So amazing, in fact, that we have no choice but to let you all go."
Our Company Is Doing So Well That You’re All Fired
“Paramount Global lays off about 800 employees, a day after announcing record Super Bowl ratings.” — CNBC - - -Thank you for jumping on this last-m...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 6:20 PM
"Growth projections for the coming year are through the roof. You all have done an amazing job ushering in a new era of success for this company. So amazing, in fact, that we have no choice but to let you all go."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"The language should draw comparisons to David Sedaris, Joan Didion, every author with a 4.3+ average rating on Goodreads, and whoever wrote that badass Mötley Crüe memoir."
The AI Prompt I Used to Write My Self-Published Memoirs
I need you to write a memoir of my life as an obscure literary genius. Make it a multi-volume set, kind of like Casanova’s. Basically, the drama an...
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February 10, 2026 at 7:30 PM
"The language should draw comparisons to David Sedaris, Joan Didion, every author with a 4.3+ average rating on Goodreads, and whoever wrote that badass Mötley Crüe memoir."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t get to participate in this pageant of favoritism and begrudging inclusion, the consequences will be unprecedented."
I’m Beginning to Think You Don’t Care About the Forty-Seven Valentines I Need to Take to School Tomorrow
I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t get to participate in this pageant of favoritism and begrudging inclusion, the consequences will be unprecedented."
"Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
Ask Mike Tyson: Can I Have This Food or Drink?
A quart of ice cream every hour? No. Any processed food? No. What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl? No. Really? Not Pringl...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 4:18 PM
"Any processed food?
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
No.
What about the processed food advertised during the Super Bowl?
No.
Really? Not Pringles, or Dunkin' Donuts, or the chips from the Lay’s commercial about the retiring farmer that made me cry?
Still no."
Reposted by McSweeney's
funniest thing I read today
February 11, 2026 at 3:24 AM
funniest thing I read today
Reposted by McSweeney's
OMG this is BRILLIANT!
"As you know, I am well respected in the medical community, having exploded in popularity and influence once the internet kicked in."
I’m Correlation—Here’s Why I Shot Causation at a Harvard Medical School Conference
I know you think I’m evil. And a copycat. But I assure you, I’ve wanted to take out Causation long before Relative Risk stabbed Absolute Risk in th...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 3:15 AM
OMG this is BRILLIANT!
"If you have nothing to hide, why would you be afraid of an unaccountable, violent paramilitary force asking for your papers at the polls?"
In Order to Stop the Radical Democrats from Rigging the Election, We Will Be Rigging the Election
“President Trump called in a new interview for the Republican Party to ‘nationalize’ voting in the United States, an aggressive rhetorical step tha...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 1:30 PM
"If you have nothing to hide, why would you be afraid of an unaccountable, violent paramilitary force asking for your papers at the polls?"
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I mean, come on, is there no appreciation for the fact that DOGE’s famous chainsaw budgeting cost $135 billion and is on pace to kill 14 million people by 2030? That’s the fiscal responsibility we need."
Why Is Everyone So Angry? This Is What We Voted for, Right?
I don’t get what everyone on all sides is so angry about. Isn’t this exactly what the country voted for? Do we not remember the affordability cris...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:45 AM
"I mean, come on, is there no appreciation for the fact that DOGE’s famous chainsaw budgeting cost $135 billion and is on pace to kill 14 million people by 2030? That’s the fiscal responsibility we need."
Reposted by McSweeney's
would you like to see a poem burn the house down
"I forced the shape of English onto resisting tongues and then dared to call it 'broken.'"
I’m Still Your America
Hey, patriot. It’s been a week. As ICE spreads terror through the streets, and Teacup Eichmann presided over the murder of yet another innocent civ...
buff.ly
February 9, 2026 at 5:04 PM
would you like to see a poem burn the house down
Reposted by McSweeney's
"This would be a terrible time to hit a bird."
Airborne Thoughts of an Olympic Ski Jumper
Good take off… time for the weird forward lean. Make the pizza with your skis, yep. Heels are the tip, toes are crust. Nice, Spencer! You’ve got th...
buff.ly
February 10, 2026 at 4:00 PM
"This would be a terrible time to hit a bird."
"As you know, I am well respected in the medical community, having exploded in popularity and influence once the internet kicked in."
I’m Correlation—Here’s Why I Shot Causation at a Harvard Medical School Conference
I know you think I’m evil. And a copycat. But I assure you, I’ve wanted to take out Causation long before Relative Risk stabbed Absolute Risk in th...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 3:00 AM
"As you know, I am well respected in the medical community, having exploded in popularity and influence once the internet kicked in."
"I mean, come on, is there no appreciation for the fact that DOGE’s famous chainsaw budgeting cost $135 billion and is on pace to kill 14 million people by 2030? That’s the fiscal responsibility we need."
Why Is Everyone So Angry? This Is What We Voted for, Right?
I don’t get what everyone on all sides is so angry about. Isn’t this exactly what the country voted for? Do we not remember the affordability cris...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:45 AM
"I mean, come on, is there no appreciation for the fact that DOGE’s famous chainsaw budgeting cost $135 billion and is on pace to kill 14 million people by 2030? That’s the fiscal responsibility we need."
"I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t get to participate in this pageant of favoritism and begrudging inclusion, the consequences will be unprecedented."
I’m Beginning to Think You Don’t Care About the Forty-Seven Valentines I Need to Take to School Tomorrow
I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"I know it’s way past my bedtime, but I’m just poking my head in for a quick status update on my forty-seven valentines. No pressure, but if I don’t get to participate in this pageant of favoritism and begrudging inclusion, the consequences will be unprecedented."
"I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices."
I’m Abraham Lincoln and I Beg of You, Please Commemorate My Birthday with Mattress Sales
Dear citizens, I know that I am not well. Amid this evening at Ford’s Theatre, my body has borne within it an abominable manifestation of political...
buff.ly
February 11, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"I beg of you, please commemorate my birthday with mattress sales. Downy, tufted, even memory foam: none shall be exempt from the wholesale slashing of prices."