McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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Reposted by McSweeney's
Ha ha ha ha ha walking into the fucking ocean now.
There's one that is cloud based, but only sort of so I can see the teacher's responses, but I can't see what my wife sent to prompt it. And that's the good one.
There's one that is cloud based, but only sort of so I can see the teacher's responses, but I can't see what my wife sent to prompt it. And that's the good one.
"If you forget your login, call our wonderful school secretary, Marjorie. No, you can’t just call the office to tell Marjorie your kid is sick; you’ll need to call the office to retrieve your PITA login information, then log in to PITA to tell PITA your kid is sick."
Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has pain...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 4:29 AM
Ha ha ha ha ha walking into the fucking ocean now.
There's one that is cloud based, but only sort of so I can see the teacher's responses, but I can't see what my wife sent to prompt it. And that's the good one.
There's one that is cloud based, but only sort of so I can see the teacher's responses, but I can't see what my wife sent to prompt it. And that's the good one.
"Here’s the kicker: We even got them to agree not to pass the healthcare subsidies that we’ve been working for. You know, the ones average Americans rely on. Here’s how we did it: We asked, then they said, 'No way,' and then we said, 'Okay.' That’s how you win."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gre...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gre...
Great News: We Got Them to Agree to Their Own Deal
“Eight senators in the Democratic caucus broke with the party late Sunday to vote with Republicans and advance legislation to end the government sh...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"Here’s the kicker: We even got them to agree not to pass the healthcare subsidies that we’ve been working for. You know, the ones average Americans rely on. Here’s how we did it: We asked, then they said, 'No way,' and then we said, 'Okay.' That’s how you win."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gre...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gre...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Okay, so this man used to be a YouTuber, but then he made a video where he went to a Japanese suicide forest, and people got mad at him. He sucks. Then he pivoted to like, boxing? And he has a brother who also sucks."
Explaining to Your Parents Why Certain Celebrities Are Famous
This lady’s video went viral after she tasted kombucha and made a weird face, and now she has a podcast and a YouTube talk show. It’s just like a n...
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November 8, 2025 at 2:30 PM
"Okay, so this man used to be a YouTuber, but then he made a video where he went to a Japanese suicide forest, and people got mad at him. He sucks. Then he pivoted to like, boxing? And he has a brother who also sucks."
"According to numerous reports, your 'guidance' has essentially been limited to the following: 'We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.' This is not sound career advice, Mr. Vonnegut."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
Your Services As Guidance Counselor Are No Longer Required, Mr. Vonnegut
Dear Mr. Vonnegut, As principal of Stephen R. Perry High School, it is with regret that I inform you that, after considerable reflection and numero...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 6:25 PM
"According to numerous reports, your 'guidance' has essentially been limited to the following: 'We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.' This is not sound career advice, Mr. Vonnegut."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"There is a particular look about a teenage boy that lets you know what kind of man he’ll be. A certain fullness of lips, a frank sensuality in his gaze. We all know what the word for that is, but it’s not polite to use it until he’s proven he’s that kind of boy."
If Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women
There is a particular look about a teenage boy that lets you know what kind of man he’ll be. A certain fullness of lips, a frank sensuality in his ...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 4:00 PM
"There is a particular look about a teenage boy that lets you know what kind of man he’ll be. A certain fullness of lips, a frank sensuality in his gaze. We all know what the word for that is, but it’s not polite to use it until he’s proven he’s that kind of boy."
Reposted by McSweeney's
😂🤣😂🤣😂😏😏😏😒😒😒😣😣😣😖😖😖😫😫😫 would be so so funny if not metaphorically so true.
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain
This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to you...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 7:30 PM
😂🤣😂🤣😂😏😏😏😒😒😒😣😣😣😖😖😖😫😫😫 would be so so funny if not metaphorically so true.
"I am forced to get on a stationary bicycle and pedal to generate electricity for the Loyalist States. The guard does not chuckle or show any recognition when I ask, 'Is it a fixed gear, at least?' He just stares for a moment and then hits me in the temple with his baton."
buff.ly/kvdEXDB
buff.ly/kvdEXDB
My Whimsical, Millennial, Meme-Addled Youth Did Not Set Me Up for Success in the New American Dystopia
DAY 1 The secret police appear at my door and drag me from my apartment. “What about my desert island discs?” I shout, thinking this will get a lau...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 4:20 PM
"I am forced to get on a stationary bicycle and pedal to generate electricity for the Loyalist States. The guard does not chuckle or show any recognition when I ask, 'Is it a fixed gear, at least?' He just stares for a moment and then hits me in the temple with his baton."
buff.ly/kvdEXDB
buff.ly/kvdEXDB
Reposted by McSweeney's
I wrote this as a TIMELY submission for @mcsweeneys.net
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
I Vow to Fight Autocracy with Unprecedented Levels of Finger Wagging
“Chuck Schumer, the Democratic leader in the Senate, has reportedly been criticized by some of the party’s state governors for not resisting Donald...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 7:18 AM
I wrote this as a TIMELY submission for @mcsweeneys.net
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
… six months ago.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-v...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"It’s no exaggeration to say that Crazy Puffs have radically changed my life for the better."
Reviews of New Food: Little Caesars’ Crazy Puffs
As we all know, the worst part about eating pizza is how the cheese gets stuck to the insides of your pockets. I can’t tell you how many good pairs...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:30 PM
"It’s no exaggeration to say that Crazy Puffs have radically changed my life for the better."
"When I’m in the city, I want the authentic New York experience—getting served a hot slice of pepperoni pie by a Turkish immigrant who commutes in from Pennsylvania because he can’t afford to live anywhere in the five boroughs."
If New York City Is No Longer Going to Be an Unaffordable Police State Run by Crooks, I’m Taking My Hard-Earned Sex-Pest Dollars Elsewhere
“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:03 PM
"When I’m in the city, I want the authentic New York experience—getting served a hot slice of pepperoni pie by a Turkish immigrant who commutes in from Pennsylvania because he can’t afford to live anywhere in the five boroughs."
GIVEN: One week contains exactly 7 days.
ALSO GIVEN: Love is needed and can be provided for more than 7 days a week.
ASSUME: One distrusts established conventions, rejects the Gregorian calendar, and is pathologically horny. What duration best conveys this surplus of desire?
ALSO GIVEN: Love is needed and can be provided for more than 7 days a week.
ASSUME: One distrusts established conventions, rejects the Gregorian calendar, and is pathologically horny. What duration best conveys this surplus of desire?
Pop Song Math Quiz
Answer all questions in the form of a song title. 1. The Rob Base Postulate Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go ri...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 1:31 PM
GIVEN: One week contains exactly 7 days.
ALSO GIVEN: Love is needed and can be provided for more than 7 days a week.
ASSUME: One distrusts established conventions, rejects the Gregorian calendar, and is pathologically horny. What duration best conveys this surplus of desire?
ALSO GIVEN: Love is needed and can be provided for more than 7 days a week.
ASSUME: One distrusts established conventions, rejects the Gregorian calendar, and is pathologically horny. What duration best conveys this surplus of desire?
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
We’ve Defied President Nyarlathotep’s Psychic Siege Long Enough
Well, everyone, it was a valiant and brave endeavor. We refused to capitulate during the Dread Lord Nyarlathotep’s nationwide psychic siege for ove...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 2:20 AM
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 10, 2025 at 6:25 PM
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
"You may be thinking that the central problem the world faces is not the lack of settlements among the stars but the hoarding of wealth by a handful of man children who never learned to share..."
Don’t Worry, Bezos Will Let Some of Us on His Space Ark
“Jeff Bezos says the future is so bright, he doesn’t see how anybody can be discouraged who is alive right now… ‘In the next couple of decades, the...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 3:00 AM
"You may be thinking that the central problem the world faces is not the lack of settlements among the stars but the hoarding of wealth by a handful of man children who never learned to share..."
"If you forget your login, call our wonderful school secretary, Marjorie. No, you can’t just call the office to tell Marjorie your kid is sick; you’ll need to call the office to retrieve your PITA login information, then log in to PITA to tell PITA your kid is sick."
Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has pain...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:40 AM
"If you forget your login, call our wonderful school secretary, Marjorie. No, you can’t just call the office to tell Marjorie your kid is sick; you’ll need to call the office to retrieve your PITA login information, then log in to PITA to tell PITA your kid is sick."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain
This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to you...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
We’ve Defied President Nyarlathotep’s Psychic Siege Long Enough
Well, everyone, it was a valiant and brave endeavor. We refused to capitulate during the Dread Lord Nyarlathotep’s nationwide psychic siege for ove...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 2:20 AM
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
"My dissertation, Both Sides Now, applies a bilateral, hylomorphic analysis to the phenomenon that is described by the signifier 'clouds.'"
Joni Mitchell Applies for a Tenure Track Philosophy Position
Dear Search Committee: I am applying for the position of Assistant Professor in Philosophy. I am an advanced doctoral candidate in Philosophy (wit...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"My dissertation, Both Sides Now, applies a bilateral, hylomorphic analysis to the phenomenon that is described by the signifier 'clouds.'"
Reposted by McSweeney's
Reposted by McSweeney's
"There are those who believe Brunch to be the most destructive of the horsemen. It is often followed by the demon Tapas, who ensures appetites are never more than whet. Wine will be served out of thimbles, and all will despair."
The Four Horsemen of Gentrification
Then I saw when the Landlord broke one of the rent-controlled seals. I heard one of the four living creatures saying, as with a voice of thunder, “...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 2:35 AM
Reposted by McSweeney's
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
November 10, 2025 at 3:29 PM
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Like most, I eat pizza every single day. I’m too busy to sit down and eat it as a meal, so into my pockets it goes, even if that means my car keys are always covered in tomato sauce, my wallet is filled with pepperoni, and my iPhone’s charging port is clogged with mozzarella."
Reviews of New Food: Little Caesars’ Crazy Puffs
As we all know, the worst part about eating pizza is how the cheese gets stuck to the insides of your pockets. I can’t tell you how many good pairs...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"Like most, I eat pizza every single day. I’m too busy to sit down and eat it as a meal, so into my pockets it goes, even if that means my car keys are always covered in tomato sauce, my wallet is filled with pepperoni, and my iPhone’s charging port is clogged with mozzarella."
Reposted by McSweeney's
“I feel like there is a ceiling on how close a storyteller can get to someone else’s experience.”
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
An Interview with Barry Jenkins - Believer Magazine
Incredulous. That is the word that describes how I felt about the opportunity to interview Academy Award–winning director Barry Jenkins and about sitting across from him onstage in Las Vegas at the Be...
www.thebeliever.net
November 10, 2025 at 10:33 PM
“I feel like there is a ceiling on how close a storyteller can get to someone else’s experience.”
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...