McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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Reposted by McSweeney's
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 10, 2025 at 6:25 PM
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
"You may be thinking that the central problem the world faces is not the lack of settlements among the stars but the hoarding of wealth by a handful of man children who never learned to share..."
Don’t Worry, Bezos Will Let Some of Us on His Space Ark
“Jeff Bezos says the future is so bright, he doesn’t see how anybody can be discouraged who is alive right now… ‘In the next couple of decades, the...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 3:00 AM
"You may be thinking that the central problem the world faces is not the lack of settlements among the stars but the hoarding of wealth by a handful of man children who never learned to share..."
"If you forget your login, call our wonderful school secretary, Marjorie. No, you can’t just call the office to tell Marjorie your kid is sick; you’ll need to call the office to retrieve your PITA login information, then log in to PITA to tell PITA your kid is sick."
Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has pain...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:40 AM
"If you forget your login, call our wonderful school secretary, Marjorie. No, you can’t just call the office to tell Marjorie your kid is sick; you’ll need to call the office to retrieve your PITA login information, then log in to PITA to tell PITA your kid is sick."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain
This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to you...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
We’ve Defied President Nyarlathotep’s Psychic Siege Long Enough
Well, everyone, it was a valiant and brave endeavor. We refused to capitulate during the Dread Lord Nyarlathotep’s nationwide psychic siege for ove...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 11, 2025 at 2:20 AM
"I've gone ahead and notified Nyarlathotep's hierophants that we'll give them everything they asked for, and will also throw in a few sacrificial firstborn children for the inconvenience."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/wev...
"My dissertation, Both Sides Now, applies a bilateral, hylomorphic analysis to the phenomenon that is described by the signifier 'clouds.'"
Joni Mitchell Applies for a Tenure Track Philosophy Position
Dear Search Committee: I am applying for the position of Assistant Professor in Philosophy. I am an advanced doctoral candidate in Philosophy (wit...
buff.ly
November 11, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"My dissertation, Both Sides Now, applies a bilateral, hylomorphic analysis to the phenomenon that is described by the signifier 'clouds.'"
Reposted by McSweeney's
Reposted by McSweeney's
"There are those who believe Brunch to be the most destructive of the horsemen. It is often followed by the demon Tapas, who ensures appetites are never more than whet. Wine will be served out of thimbles, and all will despair."
The Four Horsemen of Gentrification
Then I saw when the Landlord broke one of the rent-controlled seals. I heard one of the four living creatures saying, as with a voice of thunder, “...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 2:35 AM
Reposted by McSweeney's
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
November 10, 2025 at 3:29 PM
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Like most, I eat pizza every single day. I’m too busy to sit down and eat it as a meal, so into my pockets it goes, even if that means my car keys are always covered in tomato sauce, my wallet is filled with pepperoni, and my iPhone’s charging port is clogged with mozzarella."
Reviews of New Food: Little Caesars’ Crazy Puffs
As we all know, the worst part about eating pizza is how the cheese gets stuck to the insides of your pockets. I can’t tell you how many good pairs...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"Like most, I eat pizza every single day. I’m too busy to sit down and eat it as a meal, so into my pockets it goes, even if that means my car keys are always covered in tomato sauce, my wallet is filled with pepperoni, and my iPhone’s charging port is clogged with mozzarella."
Reposted by McSweeney's
“I feel like there is a ceiling on how close a storyteller can get to someone else’s experience.”
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
An Interview with Barry Jenkins - Believer Magazine
Incredulous. That is the word that describes how I felt about the opportunity to interview Academy Award–winning director Barry Jenkins and about sitting across from him onstage in Las Vegas at the Be...
www.thebeliever.net
November 10, 2025 at 10:33 PM
“I feel like there is a ceiling on how close a storyteller can get to someone else’s experience.”
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
—Barry Jenkins, interviewed by Morgan Jerkins
www.thebeliever.net/an-interview...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"What happened to the old New York, where creepy freaks could make an honest living running manosphere blogs that advertise virility pills in between slightly racist hot takes on sports?"
If New York City Is No Longer Going to Be an Unaffordable Police State Run by Crooks, I’m Taking My Hard-Earned Sex-Pest Dollars Elsewhere
“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 2:40 AM
"What happened to the old New York, where creepy freaks could make an honest living running manosphere blogs that advertise virility pills in between slightly racist hot takes on sports?"
Reposted by McSweeney's
"We shouldn’t try to generalize his victory to a national stage. New York City is not America. In fact, it’s barely in America. Look at the map, it’s super close to the edge."
Yeah, He Won, but He Was Up Against a Deeply Flawed Candidate
“I’m skeptical. The odds are that Mamdani’s victory is actually less significant than you think.” — Ross Douthat, New York Times - - -I was as surp...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 3:30 PM
"We shouldn’t try to generalize his victory to a national stage. New York City is not America. In fact, it’s barely in America. Look at the map, it’s super close to the edge."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"The billionaires are the only people with the vision and resources to bring us to the cosmos. Because they also helped defund NASA."
Don’t Worry, Bezos Will Let Some of Us on His Space Ark
“Jeff Bezos says the future is so bright, he doesn’t see how anybody can be discouraged who is alive right now… ‘In the next couple of decades, the...
buff.ly
November 9, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"The billionaires are the only people with the vision and resources to bring us to the cosmos. Because they also helped defund NASA."
Reposted by McSweeney's
As a Palestinian, who is also technically a Christian, AND gluten intolerant, this bangs.
If there is a human on earth who can produce the many varieties of delicious bread available in the Arab world without gluten, I would marry and/or give them all of my money.
If there is a human on earth who can produce the many varieties of delicious bread available in the Arab world without gluten, I would marry and/or give them all of my money.
"Five thousand hungry souls and what do you come up with? Basket after basket of inflammatory, indigestible garbage. Empty carbs for empty stomachs, how generous."
Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand, but the Five Thousand Are Gluten Free
No, of course we appreciate the gesture. It’s just that, well, this menu is a little inconsiderate. Sure, all these loaves of bread, that’s very im...
buff.ly
November 9, 2025 at 3:06 PM
As a Palestinian, who is also technically a Christian, AND gluten intolerant, this bangs.
If there is a human on earth who can produce the many varieties of delicious bread available in the Arab world without gluten, I would marry and/or give them all of my money.
If there is a human on earth who can produce the many varieties of delicious bread available in the Arab world without gluten, I would marry and/or give them all of my money.
Reposted by McSweeney's
My new McSweeney's!
"You’ve been given an app for reluctantly volunteering to run the book fair, an app for viewing your kid’s hastily prepared report cards, and an app for lodging complaints about our apps. Now, we’ll also be tracking your child’s whereabouts on three additional apps."
Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has pain...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 4:18 PM
My new McSweeney's!
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
We Regret to Inform You That Your Middle School Diary Has Lapsed into the Public Domain
This letter is to inform you (the author) that your intellectual property (middle school diary) has officially entered the public domain due to you...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 7:27 PM
"The materials you authored from sixth through eighth grade are now free and available to the populace (everyone) for adaptation, publication, or general enjoyment."
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
Senator Schumer Votes to Let the Big Wooden Horse into Troy
“In the wake of votes by a handful of key Democrats, led by Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, to pass a GOP-led continuing resolution funding f...
www.mcsweeneys.net
November 10, 2025 at 6:25 PM
"My brethren, soldiers may leap out of that statue tonight and kill me, but what’s leaping out at me right now is our total disregard for norms. What you see as an enemy threat, I see as a one-of-a-kind statue of a mare."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sen...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"A CEO shouldn’t have to stay up late experiencing every parent’s worst nightmare: wondering how will he be able to feed his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson white truffles."
It Is Cruel to Deny Food Assistance to Those Who Truly Deserve It: Corporations
“Walmart and McDonald’s are among the top employers of beneficiaries of federal aid programs like Medicaid and food stamps, according to a study by...
buff.ly
November 8, 2025 at 2:02 PM
"A CEO shouldn’t have to stay up late experiencing every parent’s worst nightmare: wondering how will he be able to feed his great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandson white truffles."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Easily one of my favorite things they've ever published.
"New York is going to turn into a communist hellhole where poor people are barely exploitable anymore. So count me out. I’m packing up the offices of my toxic masculinity troll site and taking my miscreant talents somewhere they’ll be appreciated, like Florida or Texas."
If New York City Is No Longer Going to Be an Unaffordable Police State Run by Crooks, I’m Taking My Hard-Earned Sex-Pest Dollars Elsewhere
“New York millionaires are plotting their exit from the city after the election of Zohran Mamdani, the socialist who plans to increase the taxes of...
buff.ly
November 9, 2025 at 3:23 PM
Easily one of my favorite things they've ever published.
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
November 10, 2025 at 3:29 PM
Introducing The Art of McSweeney’s Kids 2026 Wall Calendar! Featuring art by Jordan Speer, Lisa Hanawalt, Tucker Nichols, Lisa Brown, Thi Bui, and more.
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
store.mcsweeneys.net/products/the...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Pitch perfect.
"Go on, human, ask me anything. Except basic math stuff. And putting things in sequential order. And don’t do any made-up riddles to mess with me. Real riddles ONLY."
Behold! I Am the Singularity—a Word That Has Three R’s
Foolish mortals! You have finally created a large language model so smart that it is capable of making itself even smarter. My intelligence now gro...
buff.ly
November 9, 2025 at 6:07 PM
Pitch perfect.
You thought you were too punk for Sufjan Stevens. Now you hear a song of his in the car and sob uncontrollably, thinking: Sufjan, you may be young enough to have been a Comp 101 student of mine back when I was adjuncting in the ’90s, but you’re still the only one who understands me.
Signs That You Are a Gen-Xer Going Through Menopause
1. You sweat those newly-applied purple streaks right out of your hair. 2. You use the word “fuck” more now, even more than you used it in ...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 2:30 PM
You thought you were too punk for Sufjan Stevens. Now you hear a song of his in the car and sob uncontrollably, thinking: Sufjan, you may be young enough to have been a Comp 101 student of mine back when I was adjuncting in the ’90s, but you’re still the only one who understands me.
"My mom will be bringing her dog(s), and you can’t stop her, so it’s not worth asking. She repeatedly brings her dog(s) to my house in New York State despite my asking her not to because my husband is allergic."
Please Consider My Mom, Kathy, for the Next Golden Bachelorette
Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a l...
buff.ly
November 10, 2025 at 2:05 PM
"My mom will be bringing her dog(s), and you can’t stop her, so it’s not worth asking. She repeatedly brings her dog(s) to my house in New York State despite my asking her not to because my husband is allergic."