Less politics; more soup, salad, and breadsticks

Somewhere in the world there is a tree that sprouted the same day you were born and has been growing along with you. It is slowly draining your energy and becoming more powerful. If you are to survive, you must find it and chop it down once and for all

ME: It's a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

me: who in the world would steal a hundred pairs of shoes from our warehouse?!

centipede coworker: (sweating) uhh probably a couple of fiftypedes

[petting geckos]

welcome to my gecko chamber

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.