Abbi Crutchfield
@curlycomedy.bsky.social
Hulu, Comedy Central, truTV, NBC, and CBS • I joke a lot.
Pinned
Things I am learning to live without:
Getting up fast
Sitting down quietly
Keeping my arms raised for longer than a minute
Looking to the right
Getting up fast
Sitting down quietly
Keeping my arms raised for longer than a minute
Looking to the right
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane
July 18, 2025 at 7:06 PM
i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
“Your slipper, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
July 2, 2025 at 6:56 PM
“Your slipper, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
I’ve never been good at remembering idioms, but you can’t win a mall.
July 2, 2025 at 9:48 PM
I’ve never been good at remembering idioms, but you can’t win a mall.
Goooood morning Vietnam.
June 22, 2025 at 1:31 PM
Goooood morning Vietnam.
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
[wedding]
PRIEST: repeat after me
GROOM: after me
PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious
BRIDE: no his name is gary
PRIEST: repeat after me
GROOM: after me
PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious
BRIDE: no his name is gary
June 17, 2025 at 12:56 AM
[wedding]
PRIEST: repeat after me
GROOM: after me
PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious
BRIDE: no his name is gary
PRIEST: repeat after me
GROOM: after me
PRIEST: ... [to bride] is he serious
BRIDE: no his name is gary
Are there any two brothers more different than Tim Burton and Tyrese Hali-Burton?
June 17, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Are there any two brothers more different than Tim Burton and Tyrese Hali-Burton?
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
Mr. Antiwar President has us inches away from a Civil War at home and a nuclear war abroad in defense of an ally that is starting random hot regional wars to detract from its ongoing genocide. I’m sure all of this will just naturally cool off.
June 17, 2025 at 1:09 AM
Mr. Antiwar President has us inches away from a Civil War at home and a nuclear war abroad in defense of an ally that is starting random hot regional wars to detract from its ongoing genocide. I’m sure all of this will just naturally cool off.
The hardest part of being an NBA rookie is getting your team to call you by your old nickname, “Stretch.”
June 17, 2025 at 1:15 AM
The hardest part of being an NBA rookie is getting your team to call you by your old nickname, “Stretch.”
I like the sound of the Tonya awards better.
June 9, 2025 at 12:49 AM
I like the sound of the Tonya awards better.
At age seven, my daughter can unlock my phone with her face. I think it’s cool that we look alike, but I hate that it only works when she frowns.
April 28, 2025 at 6:09 PM
At age seven, my daughter can unlock my phone with her face. I think it’s cool that we look alike, but I hate that it only works when she frowns.
Happy Spring! Not to brag, but I can sneeze just from looking at a picture of flowers.
April 28, 2025 at 6:07 PM
Happy Spring! Not to brag, but I can sneeze just from looking at a picture of flowers.
The girl from Regarding Henry and the kid from Ted Lasso are practically twins. I don’t have anyone to tell about this.
April 15, 2025 at 6:07 PM
The girl from Regarding Henry and the kid from Ted Lasso are practically twins. I don’t have anyone to tell about this.
Now if TJ Maxx and Marshalls would roll back DEI I may finally be able to save for a vacation.
April 2, 2025 at 7:02 PM
Now if TJ Maxx and Marshalls would roll back DEI I may finally be able to save for a vacation.
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
Strom Thurmond and Elon Musk both catching Ls. Rough night for racists.
April 2, 2025 at 2:18 AM
Strom Thurmond and Elon Musk both catching Ls. Rough night for racists.
Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?
February 23, 2025 at 5:32 AM
Nosferatu dares to ask the question: what if vampires weren’t hot?
Leave Jaden alone. He’s got a lot on his mind.
February 7, 2025 at 12:53 PM
Leave Jaden alone. He’s got a lot on his mind.
I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.
December 19, 2024 at 3:53 PM
I attended one free event in NYC, and now I get invitations daily from the event platform that hosted it. This marketing is more persistent than church, with more opportunities than 12-step meetings. I’ll never be lonely again.
Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.
December 13, 2024 at 4:34 PM
Happy Friday the 13th during the holiday season. Don’t worry; today Jason only murders people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
I’m in for $50 seed money
December 9, 2024 at 4:21 PM
I’m in for $50 seed money
Reposted by Abbi Crutchfield
I miss people staying six feet away from me
December 9, 2024 at 3:29 AM
I miss people staying six feet away from me
My Shark Tank pitch is a cereal decanter with a slim compartment where you slide in the back panel of the cereal box so your kid can still enjoy breakfast.
December 9, 2024 at 4:19 PM
My Shark Tank pitch is a cereal decanter with a slim compartment where you slide in the back panel of the cereal box so your kid can still enjoy breakfast.
You need to develop atomic habits to be able to read Atomic Habits, and that is just unacceptable to me.
December 3, 2024 at 4:23 PM
You need to develop atomic habits to be able to read Atomic Habits, and that is just unacceptable to me.