you’re fired. wait you’re rehired. email us a list of things you’ve done today wait forget it you’re fired again. come back your job was important. you’re fired. or hired. come in to the office. wait the office has no computers go home. we are the department of government efficiency.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens theonion.com/no-way-to-pr...

I just tried to divide a Coke Zero between two glasses and the can exploded

I don't have an advent calendar

so Im just opening cupboard doors

and eating whatever's in there

Taking Captcha tests to convince the internet I’m human, even though I’m not entirely sure myself.

if you're a tech journalist in the present climate, it's incumbent upon you to ask why big tech is pursuing dead ends like AI when they could just start using the number 2. ones and zeroes have taken us as far as they can. either chuck a few 2s in there or cede the future of tech to those who will

Study: More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns | Onion News Network

A new study among the nation's gun owners has found their top reason for purchasing a firearm: self-defense against children who have picked up their unsecured guns.

5 reasons why The Shining is a Christmas movie

1. Snow
2. Red rum
3. Hyperactive kids
4. Big snuggly jumpers
5. Huge family row ending with someone putting an axe through the door.