John H. Beers III
@bedlambeersie.bsky.social
I’m the kind of guy who could still be laughing while the state straps me into a big, humming chair. Challenge Rating 5; a good challenge for up to 4 low-level characters. Avi by Top Ramen.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
*extends tongs holding a steaming warm towel* how was your skeeball, darling
November 21, 2023 at 1:31 PM
*extends tongs holding a steaming warm towel* how was your skeeball, darling
Reposted by John H. Beers III
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat an Airbus A380
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat an Airbus A380
November 22, 2023 at 1:21 AM
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat an Airbus A380
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat an Airbus A380
Reposted by John H. Beers III
my ottoman is a basket of folded laundry
November 22, 2023 at 1:52 AM
my ottoman is a basket of folded laundry
I’m a people person, but only in the sense that five smaller people Voltron together to form me.
November 22, 2023 at 6:55 AM
I’m a people person, but only in the sense that five smaller people Voltron together to form me.
[to “Call Me Maybe”]
BUFFALO BILL (from Silence of the Lambs):
🎶 I threw a girl in a well
🎶 Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
🎶 Now she’s frightened as hell
🎶 I won’t call her by her name
🎶 Refer to her as “It”
🎶 I checked to make sure she’d fit
🎶 I’ll starve her a little bit
🎶 And get her skin my way!
BUFFALO BILL (from Silence of the Lambs):
🎶 I threw a girl in a well
🎶 Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
🎶 Now she’s frightened as hell
🎶 I won’t call her by her name
🎶 Refer to her as “It”
🎶 I checked to make sure she’d fit
🎶 I’ll starve her a little bit
🎶 And get her skin my way!
November 10, 2023 at 10:13 PM
[to “Call Me Maybe”]
BUFFALO BILL (from Silence of the Lambs):
🎶 I threw a girl in a well
🎶 Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
🎶 Now she’s frightened as hell
🎶 I won’t call her by her name
🎶 Refer to her as “It”
🎶 I checked to make sure she’d fit
🎶 I’ll starve her a little bit
🎶 And get her skin my way!
BUFFALO BILL (from Silence of the Lambs):
🎶 I threw a girl in a well
🎶 Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell
🎶 Now she’s frightened as hell
🎶 I won’t call her by her name
🎶 Refer to her as “It”
🎶 I checked to make sure she’d fit
🎶 I’ll starve her a little bit
🎶 And get her skin my way!
Everybody, get high.
Everybody, get low.
These are the days when anything goes.
Everybody, get low.
These are the days when anything goes.
November 7, 2023 at 6:18 AM
Everybody, get high.
Everybody, get low.
These are the days when anything goes.
Everybody, get low.
These are the days when anything goes.
Seasonal Affective Durrhurrhurr *starts sobbing*
November 7, 2023 at 5:16 AM
Seasonal Affective Durrhurrhurr *starts sobbing*
[shampoo commercial]
MAN: *scrubbing hair* Hey, it’s tingling!
ME: That means it’s working.
MAN: Now it’s kind of tickling.
ME: That means it’s playing.
MAN: Now it’s trying to smother me with a pillow.
ME: Shh… just go to sleep… let the shampoo do its work.
MAN: *scrubbing hair* Hey, it’s tingling!
ME: That means it’s working.
MAN: Now it’s kind of tickling.
ME: That means it’s playing.
MAN: Now it’s trying to smother me with a pillow.
ME: Shh… just go to sleep… let the shampoo do its work.
November 5, 2023 at 7:48 PM
[shampoo commercial]
MAN: *scrubbing hair* Hey, it’s tingling!
ME: That means it’s working.
MAN: Now it’s kind of tickling.
ME: That means it’s playing.
MAN: Now it’s trying to smother me with a pillow.
ME: Shh… just go to sleep… let the shampoo do its work.
MAN: *scrubbing hair* Hey, it’s tingling!
ME: That means it’s working.
MAN: Now it’s kind of tickling.
ME: That means it’s playing.
MAN: Now it’s trying to smother me with a pillow.
ME: Shh… just go to sleep… let the shampoo do its work.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
My favourite book is The Bible because the same thing happened to me
August 20, 2023 at 10:30 AM
My favourite book is The Bible because the same thing happened to me
Reposted by John H. Beers III
Just use the q-tip in your ear. God doesn’t care about us.
November 5, 2023 at 7:42 PM
Just use the q-tip in your ear. God doesn’t care about us.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
(watching his casket being lowered into the ground) I can change him
November 5, 2023 at 7:23 PM
(watching his casket being lowered into the ground) I can change him
This meeting could’ve been a back rub.
November 5, 2023 at 7:46 PM
This meeting could’ve been a back rub.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
*watching her grind her exes bones to make her bread* I can save her
November 5, 2023 at 7:45 PM
*watching her grind her exes bones to make her bread* I can save her
Reposted by John H. Beers III
I’ve thumbed through a bunch of books claiming to prove the existence of god yet not a one has an angel autopsy photo.
November 5, 2023 at 12:31 AM
I’ve thumbed through a bunch of books claiming to prove the existence of god yet not a one has an angel autopsy photo.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
KATY PERRY: 🎶 ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework!
ME: Who, me?! *whistles then explodes*
ME: Who, me?! *whistles then explodes*
November 5, 2023 at 12:24 AM
KATY PERRY: 🎶 ‘Cause baby, you’re a firework!
ME: Who, me?! *whistles then explodes*
ME: Who, me?! *whistles then explodes*
Reposted by John H. Beers III
Quoth the raven: chillax dawg.
-Edgar Allen Bro.
-Edgar Allen Bro.
November 2, 2023 at 3:09 AM
Quoth the raven: chillax dawg.
-Edgar Allen Bro.
-Edgar Allen Bro.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
My dog is the least inscrutable being to ever live *looks at my dog, scrutes him immediately* he wants my ham salad
November 2, 2023 at 2:03 PM
My dog is the least inscrutable being to ever live *looks at my dog, scrutes him immediately* he wants my ham salad
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream,
For ice cream!
We continue to scream.
The ice cream man is getting worried.
He scrambles desperately to placate us, but our screams will not be silenced.
The yawning void in the pit of our collective being howls ceaselessly for frozen treats.
You scream,
We all scream,
For ice cream!
We continue to scream.
The ice cream man is getting worried.
He scrambles desperately to placate us, but our screams will not be silenced.
The yawning void in the pit of our collective being howls ceaselessly for frozen treats.
November 2, 2023 at 3:04 PM
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream,
For ice cream!
We continue to scream.
The ice cream man is getting worried.
He scrambles desperately to placate us, but our screams will not be silenced.
The yawning void in the pit of our collective being howls ceaselessly for frozen treats.
You scream,
We all scream,
For ice cream!
We continue to scream.
The ice cream man is getting worried.
He scrambles desperately to placate us, but our screams will not be silenced.
The yawning void in the pit of our collective being howls ceaselessly for frozen treats.
Reposted by John H. Beers III
Leave some room in your mind for the cosmic frog to relax in
November 1, 2023 at 6:56 PM
Leave some room in your mind for the cosmic frog to relax in
🎶 Hello, Daddums!
🎶 Hello, Mumsy
🎶 Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
🎶 Cherry Bumsy!
🎶 Hello, Mumsy
🎶 Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
🎶 Cherry Bumsy!
November 2, 2023 at 8:39 AM
🎶 Hello, Daddums!
🎶 Hello, Mumsy
🎶 Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
🎶 Cherry Bumsy!
🎶 Hello, Mumsy
🎶 Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch
🎶 Cherry Bumsy!
Reposted by John H. Beers III
Gonna be throwing candy off my condo balcony like a benevolent emperor
October 31, 2023 at 12:00 PM
Gonna be throwing candy off my condo balcony like a benevolent emperor