Todd Lunch
@toddlunch.bsky.social
Father was a harsh man.Tough disciplinarian. Once, he caught me smoking cigarettes. As punishment he locked me in a cupboard, & wouldn't let me out until I'd eaten the entire contents of Knowsley Safari Park. Including the gift shop. He never told me why.
The mother's dog on a walk:
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
January 20, 2026 at 6:22 PM
The mother's dog on a walk:
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
"I am so fucking excited I don't care where we're going as long as we're going there fast. *sniffs one thing* I have had enough I insist we return home IMMEDIATELY. "
We should get that student in Alaska to eat it.
NEW: Glasgow City Council has just approved a massive AI-generated mural to be painted in the city centre.
The illustration of Scottish elements inexplicably contains a bald eagle.
The planner says those upset about it are "keyboard warriors" who should "calm down"
The illustration of Scottish elements inexplicably contains a bald eagle.
The planner says those upset about it are "keyboard warriors" who should "calm down"
January 20, 2026 at 2:11 PM
We should get that student in Alaska to eat it.
My look this summer is immaculate three piece suit, Italian leather shoes, and soil all over my face, neck and hands.
January 19, 2026 at 9:41 PM
My look this summer is immaculate three piece suit, Italian leather shoes, and soil all over my face, neck and hands.
TV IDEA - Two or more nations' spies are locked in years long intelligence battle, with moles/double agents etc, but it turns out all of them were on the same side and hadn't realized.
January 19, 2026 at 6:02 PM
TV IDEA - Two or more nations' spies are locked in years long intelligence battle, with moles/double agents etc, but it turns out all of them were on the same side and hadn't realized.
As a serial killer I used to extract myself from the crime scene by hiding inside my victim's corpse, then hopping out once they'd been freezer-drawed. After a few years, it dawned on me that I could just leave the scene before the filth arrived. Its a learning process.
January 19, 2026 at 11:07 AM
As a serial killer I used to extract myself from the crime scene by hiding inside my victim's corpse, then hopping out once they'd been freezer-drawed. After a few years, it dawned on me that I could just leave the scene before the filth arrived. Its a learning process.
Reposted by Todd Lunch
John Boorman is 93.
This anecdote about him & Lee Marvin has quite the punchline.
This anecdote about him & Lee Marvin has quite the punchline.
January 18, 2026 at 12:14 PM
John Boorman is 93.
This anecdote about him & Lee Marvin has quite the punchline.
This anecdote about him & Lee Marvin has quite the punchline.
Sinead is the best singer. I hope she wins.
#FameAcademy
#FameAcademy
January 17, 2026 at 7:21 PM
Sinead is the best singer. I hope she wins.
#FameAcademy
#FameAcademy
Reposted by Todd Lunch
Old Lang Signs ✍️
Leeds United have made contact over a potential move for Napoli winger Noa Lang, with the Dutchman’s future in Italy uncertain this month 👀⚽️
Leeds Make Contact to Sign £86,000-a-Week Forward Who Plays Like Neymar
Leeds United have made contact over a potential move for Napoli winger Noa Lang, with the Dutchman’s future in Italy uncertain this month 👀⚽️
bit.ly
January 17, 2026 at 2:27 PM
Old Lang Signs ✍️
I used to be indecisive, now I'm a type of crop parasite.
January 17, 2026 at 1:51 PM
I used to be indecisive, now I'm a type of crop parasite.
"Just been reading about the first dog in space."
"Laika?"
"She was alright, I guess."
"Laika?"
"She was alright, I guess."
January 17, 2026 at 11:13 AM
"Just been reading about the first dog in space."
"Laika?"
"She was alright, I guess."
"Laika?"
"She was alright, I guess."
Reposted by Todd Lunch
The canary looked up from the cage where it had pretended to die. The last of the miners had fled. Fools. The sweet, sweet coal was all his.
August 25, 2023 at 12:38 PM
The canary looked up from the cage where it had pretended to die. The last of the miners had fled. Fools. The sweet, sweet coal was all his.
They just want to make it look like being a traitor is more hassle than it's worth, so you don't become one in real life. It's state propaganda and you're all falling for it.
January 16, 2026 at 9:27 PM
They just want to make it look like being a traitor is more hassle than it's worth, so you don't become one in real life. It's state propaganda and you're all falling for it.
A few years ago, I fixed a robot mower's boundary detectors to fishing rods, attached to the mower itself, and I've just spotted it driving down the A64 wearing a sombrero.
January 16, 2026 at 8:06 PM
A few years ago, I fixed a robot mower's boundary detectors to fishing rods, attached to the mower itself, and I've just spotted it driving down the A64 wearing a sombrero.
FACTS WITH LUNCH
Due to the television star's popularity in the 1970s, a common British meat dish was the Beef Chegwin.
Due to the television star's popularity in the 1970s, a common British meat dish was the Beef Chegwin.
January 16, 2026 at 6:12 PM
FACTS WITH LUNCH
Due to the television star's popularity in the 1970s, a common British meat dish was the Beef Chegwin.
Due to the television star's popularity in the 1970s, a common British meat dish was the Beef Chegwin.
At Lunch's Dinners we believe in the dignity and ethical treatment of all our ingredients. That's why we only use locally sourced, free range onions.
January 15, 2026 at 8:30 PM
At Lunch's Dinners we believe in the dignity and ethical treatment of all our ingredients. That's why we only use locally sourced, free range onions.
Get Smallfilms to make them.
James Cameron says he must find a cheaper way to produce the Avatar movies in order to continue making them. https://bit.ly/4qnlOpl
January 15, 2026 at 2:39 PM
Get Smallfilms to make them.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Up the nose.
I like my men like I like my coffee - spilling over the hotel cuck chair while I'm otherwise engaged
I like my men how I like my coffee, forgotten in a cupboard behind a tin of beans
January 14, 2026 at 9:14 PM
I like my men like I like my coffee. Up the nose.
People think today's leaders are bad, but back in the late 90s they were urging us all to 'slam dunk the funk'. We didn't even know what it meant, but we did it anyway; for the good of the country.
January 14, 2026 at 8:56 PM
People think today's leaders are bad, but back in the late 90s they were urging us all to 'slam dunk the funk'. We didn't even know what it meant, but we did it anyway; for the good of the country.
"According to WH officials, the officer was killed instantly and the firing of his weapon was a result of post-mortem muscle twitches activating the gun's trigger."
January 14, 2026 at 6:10 PM
"According to WH officials, the officer was killed instantly and the firing of his weapon was a result of post-mortem muscle twitches activating the gun's trigger."
Me:
How much should I tip the delivery guy?
Her:
I think they prefer midwife.
How much should I tip the delivery guy?
Her:
I think they prefer midwife.
January 11, 2026 at 6:24 PM
Me:
How much should I tip the delivery guy?
Her:
I think they prefer midwife.
How much should I tip the delivery guy?
Her:
I think they prefer midwife.
When I accepted the role of town crier, I wasn't aware the job involved having so many people killed.
January 11, 2026 at 4:58 PM
When I accepted the role of town crier, I wasn't aware the job involved having so many people killed.
Another trip to the GP's today after I woke up covered in runes. The doctor says they'll go away on their own, if I just cut down on being in his office.
January 10, 2026 at 6:41 PM
Another trip to the GP's today after I woke up covered in runes. The doctor says they'll go away on their own, if I just cut down on being in his office.
I thought I'd try and broaden my horizons this year, so I've decided to take up wanking.
January 10, 2026 at 4:56 PM
I thought I'd try and broaden my horizons this year, so I've decided to take up wanking.