The Salmon Mousse
@thesalmonmousse.bsky.social
Only God and judges can judge me.
Pinned
My life in three panels.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
PRESIDENT’S PHYSICIAN: He’ll probably be out cold for a while; this last episode of diarrhea was quite painful for him.
STEPHEN MILLER: Hm. Is there any chance we can get him to say something incredibly racist at 3pm?
PHYSICIAN: (pulling out a syringe filled w/ liquid Adderall) I love what I do.
STEPHEN MILLER: Hm. Is there any chance we can get him to say something incredibly racist at 3pm?
PHYSICIAN: (pulling out a syringe filled w/ liquid Adderall) I love what I do.
December 4, 2025 at 1:37 PM
PRESIDENT’S PHYSICIAN: He’ll probably be out cold for a while; this last episode of diarrhea was quite painful for him.
STEPHEN MILLER: Hm. Is there any chance we can get him to say something incredibly racist at 3pm?
PHYSICIAN: (pulling out a syringe filled w/ liquid Adderall) I love what I do.
STEPHEN MILLER: Hm. Is there any chance we can get him to say something incredibly racist at 3pm?
PHYSICIAN: (pulling out a syringe filled w/ liquid Adderall) I love what I do.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
My Triple-Lock Unwrapped!
1. Started making that sibilant whistling noise when I sound an 'S'.
2. Strange fluttering in my right ear, each flut sounding like a Simmons kick drum.
3. Getting up from the sofa and freezing like a musical statue, awaiting further instruction from my fucking legs.
1. Started making that sibilant whistling noise when I sound an 'S'.
2. Strange fluttering in my right ear, each flut sounding like a Simmons kick drum.
3. Getting up from the sofa and freezing like a musical statue, awaiting further instruction from my fucking legs.
December 4, 2025 at 3:27 PM
My Triple-Lock Unwrapped!
1. Started making that sibilant whistling noise when I sound an 'S'.
2. Strange fluttering in my right ear, each flut sounding like a Simmons kick drum.
3. Getting up from the sofa and freezing like a musical statue, awaiting further instruction from my fucking legs.
1. Started making that sibilant whistling noise when I sound an 'S'.
2. Strange fluttering in my right ear, each flut sounding like a Simmons kick drum.
3. Getting up from the sofa and freezing like a musical statue, awaiting further instruction from my fucking legs.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
![[Scene is a JOB INTERVIEW. The bosses taking the interview are FATHER and MOTHER CHRISTMAS. In the chair across the desk from is the interviewee: RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER, sitting legs crossed. Rudolph is effusive and expressive with his hands / hooves.]
RUDOLPH:
...and in addition to my sleigh-pulling experience, l just genuinely love working with other reindeer. I mean I'm a real 'reindeer reindeer' you know? Haha!
FATHER CHRISTMAS [Looking delighted]:
Wonderful! Well, I think we've found our candidate...
So, uh...
Rudolph with your nose so bright...
...won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
[A chilly pause. We focus on Rudolph, who folds his arms, looks away in silent fury, his nose casting light about the room as he does so. He drags his eyes back to Father Christmas, his expression now of pure, cold contempt.]
RUDOLPH:
So this is about my nose.
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
One of my bulbs has gone.
RUDOLPH:
Go to Halfords!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
It's closed till Tuesday.
RUDOLPH:
No, right, OK... I get it... this is like a narrative thing for you, isn't it?
[Rolling his eyes, gesticulating, getting more angry as he begins to rant]:
Like...powerful white male saves the shunned outsider by making a gimmick of their difference?
[We see Father and Mother Christmas looking awkward, a bit scared, askance at each other]
RUDOLPH:
So in your head, what, like, the other reindeer who've bullied me my whole life will suddenly start respecting Mr Fog Lamp up front?
[Rudolph is waving his hooves now]
I mean, I notice you haven't interviewed my AUNTY for this job. Rita the Red-Arsed Reindeer? She applied!
Her nose is even brighter than mine, but because the disease has spread to her ARSE she's not the right KIND of diversity mascot...
[Finally Rudolph stands up, knocking his chair backwards. Father Christmas looks shocked, Mother Christmas looks terrified.]
RUDOLPH:
This is BULLSHIT!
FATHER CHRISTMAS:
SECURITY...!
[A little Elf enters to tackle Rudolph]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreie3mb32pphq6abkfu4w62sikexg3dtwyw3qgcrfdcwhoi3o7gbleu@jpeg)
My mother has discovered how to take photos using her phone.
December 2, 2025 at 7:06 PM
My mother has discovered how to take photos using her phone.
Headline for when the organisation is inevitably shut down: ‘OBR Where Art Thou?’, or maybe just ‘NOBR’.
December 1, 2025 at 7:45 PM
Headline for when the organisation is inevitably shut down: ‘OBR Where Art Thou?’, or maybe just ‘NOBR’.
It is a funny old world. This year alone, the American president has accepted gold golf clubs, an emerald necklace and a Boeing 747. And yet Rachel Reeves is expected to resign because she apparently underestimated how badly the economy is doing.
December 1, 2025 at 6:32 PM
It is a funny old world. This year alone, the American president has accepted gold golf clubs, an emerald necklace and a Boeing 747. And yet Rachel Reeves is expected to resign because she apparently underestimated how badly the economy is doing.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
Good lord.
December 1, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Good lord.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
Welcome home for Christmas, Daniel.
(prints of my work available now - link in bio)
(prints of my work available now - link in bio)
![Scene is a domestic TEENAGE BEDROOM which has been turned into a JUNK STORAGE ROOM by the parents since their son left home. Nirvana poster, Beasti Boys poster, plus cardboard boxes, a running machine, a computer desk, etc. On the floor though, is said teenager, a guy called DANIEL, now an adult returned home for Christmas and having to sleep on a mattress on the floor among all this stuff. On his head, as he wakes up, is his parents' cat, CLIVE.
[Close up on Daniel's closed eyes]
[Daniel slowly opens eyes to realise Clive is sat on his head]
CLIVE THE CAT:
Well, well, well.
CLIVE:
The prodigal son returns!
Happy Christmas, Daniel.
DANIEL:
Hello Clive
CLIVE:
So sorry I’ve sat on your head. I didn't see you down there among all this... junk.
Such a shame they turned your old bedroom into a storage cupboard.... How the mighty have fallen!
34 years old and forced to sleep under dad’s computer desk with your pillow on the running machine...
While I have the freedom of the house!
Admit it, Daniel...
I am the son now.
I alone am prince of the prince of this domain!
DANIEL:
No! You’re just the cat!
CLIVE:
You’re gone, Daniel. I’ve sprayed it all! Everything!
Even....
[Show a teddy on a shelf]
...Mr Bumble.
DANIEL:
Nooo
CLIVE:
I AM THE SON NOW
DANIEL:
You bastard...
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibzmrrqidoogxqn3wllseovaoqijrmmwwcpec5jbywrvlh3kdnvna@jpeg)
December 1, 2025 at 2:53 PM
Welcome home for Christmas, Daniel.
(prints of my work available now - link in bio)
(prints of my work available now - link in bio)
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
An antidote for those who think fascism is about to overrun Britain.
Is our language capable of supporting Hitlerian styles, or would we just laugh?
youtu.be/3MWpHQQ-wQg?...
Is our language capable of supporting Hitlerian styles, or would we just laugh?
youtu.be/3MWpHQQ-wQg?...
A Bit of Fry & Laurie Concerning Language
YouTube video by Fun English Lessons
youtu.be
November 30, 2025 at 4:49 PM
An antidote for those who think fascism is about to overrun Britain.
Is our language capable of supporting Hitlerian styles, or would we just laugh?
youtu.be/3MWpHQQ-wQg?...
Is our language capable of supporting Hitlerian styles, or would we just laugh?
youtu.be/3MWpHQQ-wQg?...
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
It's AAAAAAAAAAAADVENT!
We can do this. Three weeks away from the shortest day of the year, then it gets better, Almighty God give us grace that we may cast away the works of darkness and put upon us the ARMOUR OF LIGHT, et cetera BOSH! 💥
We can do this. Three weeks away from the shortest day of the year, then it gets better, Almighty God give us grace that we may cast away the works of darkness and put upon us the ARMOUR OF LIGHT, et cetera BOSH! 💥
November 30, 2025 at 8:02 AM
It's AAAAAAAAAAAADVENT!
We can do this. Three weeks away from the shortest day of the year, then it gets better, Almighty God give us grace that we may cast away the works of darkness and put upon us the ARMOUR OF LIGHT, et cetera BOSH! 💥
We can do this. Three weeks away from the shortest day of the year, then it gets better, Almighty God give us grace that we may cast away the works of darkness and put upon us the ARMOUR OF LIGHT, et cetera BOSH! 💥
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
'this'll make you laugh'
November 30, 2025 at 8:54 AM
'this'll make you laugh'
I, Gary Barlow, am about to launch a range of Sauvingon Blanc. But what to call it?
November 30, 2025 at 12:19 AM
I, Gary Barlow, am about to launch a range of Sauvingon Blanc. But what to call it?
Somewhere, in a dank attic, Michael Bublé is being shaken roughly awake.
November 29, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Somewhere, in a dank attic, Michael Bublé is being shaken roughly awake.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
Have hit that point where the whisky isn’t drowning the hate.
November 29, 2025 at 2:00 AM
Have hit that point where the whisky isn’t drowning the hate.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
Yesterday I opened a window to free a spider and two crane flies flew in, so I've booked into a Travelodge until this blows over.
November 29, 2025 at 9:09 AM
Yesterday I opened a window to free a spider and two crane flies flew in, so I've booked into a Travelodge until this blows over.
Don’t buy an Anthrax hoodie in the Black Friday sale. That’s what Sober Me said two hours ago. Did I buy an Anthrax hoodie in the Black Friday sale? Yes.
November 28, 2025 at 9:50 PM
Don’t buy an Anthrax hoodie in the Black Friday sale. That’s what Sober Me said two hours ago. Did I buy an Anthrax hoodie in the Black Friday sale? Yes.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
if someone had recently given a speech as eloquent and intellectually complex yet clear-minded as the Thatcher speech Stephen mentioned, it would have led to Harry Cole hitting his big red head like an angry chimp and writing in the Sun that Big Words Bad Why Hate Britain Like This? Boo!
November 28, 2025 at 3:14 PM
if someone had recently given a speech as eloquent and intellectually complex yet clear-minded as the Thatcher speech Stephen mentioned, it would have led to Harry Cole hitting his big red head like an angry chimp and writing in the Sun that Big Words Bad Why Hate Britain Like This? Boo!
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
November 28, 2025 at 9:50 AM
How does Batman's mum call him for dinner?
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in front of her son.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
I hate those cheap bastards on A Place In The Sun who put in a shitty offer on the basis that they'll want to do work on the house. If it was me, it would be, "Please feel free to pay for it out of your own pocket, you cheap bastards. I'm not paying for work on your house, you cheap bastards.
November 27, 2025 at 4:59 PM
I hate those cheap bastards on A Place In The Sun who put in a shitty offer on the basis that they'll want to do work on the house. If it was me, it would be, "Please feel free to pay for it out of your own pocket, you cheap bastards. I'm not paying for work on your house, you cheap bastards.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
xylophone sound
November 27, 2025 at 5:57 PM
xylophone sound
Yesterday I got hamburger under my wedding ring.
There’s a Country and Western song in there somewhere.
There’s a Country and Western song in there somewhere.
November 27, 2025 at 12:12 PM
Yesterday I got hamburger under my wedding ring.
There’s a Country and Western song in there somewhere.
There’s a Country and Western song in there somewhere.
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
My wife is happy with our sex life
November 26, 2025 at 10:13 PM
My wife is happy with our sex life
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
November 26th. I used to regard today as the deadline for finishing moribund relationships before Christmas. Beyond the 26th, you're looking at a tiny window between January 10th and 20th before the Valentine's Day deadline strikes, and then you're into the spring.
November 26, 2025 at 8:30 AM
November 26th. I used to regard today as the deadline for finishing moribund relationships before Christmas. Beyond the 26th, you're looking at a tiny window between January 10th and 20th before the Valentine's Day deadline strikes, and then you're into the spring.
“My name is Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin."
Macaulay Culkin is a man of his word. After running a fan-voted poll in 2018 for his new middle name, the Home Alone star honored the winning vote and legally changed his name.
Macaulay Culkin is a man of his word. After running a fan-voted poll in 2018 for his new middle name, the Home Alone star honored the winning vote and legally changed his name.
Macaulay Culkin Legally Changed His Name After 2018 Poll
bit.ly
November 25, 2025 at 5:55 PM
Reposted by The Salmon Mousse
if elon just hired an Inverse Jester (guy hired to listen to his jokes and pretend they're funny) we could solve every problem except how to keep the inverse jester from killing himself
November 24, 2025 at 4:42 PM
if elon just hired an Inverse Jester (guy hired to listen to his jokes and pretend they're funny) we could solve every problem except how to keep the inverse jester from killing himself