Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
Things are terrible
(we follow our contributors)
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Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
· Nov 14
A lot of very funny and talented people have written for Sorrowscopes over the years- here they are!
bsky.app/starter-pack...
bsky.app/starter-pack...
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Hi, it's God. Sorry I missed your call because I'm everywhere but I'll get back to you, maybe in strangely fitting words from a coworker or a dog's smile
January 6, 2026 at 3:49 PM
Hi, it's God. Sorry I missed your call because I'm everywhere but I'll get back to you, maybe in strangely fitting words from a coworker or a dog's smile
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Please stop painting realistic pictures of tunnels. The coyotes are getting hurt.
January 7, 2026 at 3:05 PM
Please stop painting realistic pictures of tunnels. The coyotes are getting hurt.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
I've got a good feeling about this bank of mysterious fog moving against the wind to blanket our isolated small town.
August 24, 2024 at 7:16 PM
I've got a good feeling about this bank of mysterious fog moving against the wind to blanket our isolated small town.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Note from HR: Our lion tamer reports increased job satisfaction since we eliminated the lion agitator position from payroll.
January 6, 2026 at 3:18 PM
Note from HR: Our lion tamer reports increased job satisfaction since we eliminated the lion agitator position from payroll.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
I hate it when I uncover an ancient artifact that grants me extraordinary powers only to discover that I am now a pawn in an eternal cosmic battle between the forces of light and darkness
August 2, 2024 at 1:20 PM
I hate it when I uncover an ancient artifact that grants me extraordinary powers only to discover that I am now a pawn in an eternal cosmic battle between the forces of light and darkness
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Your honor my client loves crime
January 6, 2026 at 4:29 PM
Your honor my client loves crime
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
{holds finger to earpiece} I’m being told that the divine epiphanies I’ve been having are in fact just basic pattern recognition
July 2, 2024 at 3:13 PM
{holds finger to earpiece} I’m being told that the divine epiphanies I’ve been having are in fact just basic pattern recognition
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Is it too pretentious to quote Kierkegaard in a death threat to your mechanic?
October 24, 2023 at 9:42 PM
Is it too pretentious to quote Kierkegaard in a death threat to your mechanic?
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN
January 4, 2026 at 6:18 PM
CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.
January 4, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
January 4, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Gemini: It’s a new year full of human interactions to avoid.
January 4, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Gemini: It’s a new year full of human interactions to avoid.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Cancer: New year. New you? Let’s hope so.
January 4, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Cancer: New year. New you? Let’s hope so.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Leo: You will enjoy a brush with fame this week when you meet your cousin's new boyfriend, whose band "almost opened for Candlebox" in 1993.
January 4, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Leo: You will enjoy a brush with fame this week when you meet your cousin's new boyfriend, whose band "almost opened for Candlebox" in 1993.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Virgo: New year, new you. There is literally a new version of you out there hunting you down. Good luck!
January 4, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Virgo: New year, new you. There is literally a new version of you out there hunting you down. Good luck!
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Libra: You will finally get everything you deserve this year, which is great news for your enemies.
January 4, 2026 at 6:07 PM
Libra: You will finally get everything you deserve this year, which is great news for your enemies.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.
January 4, 2026 at 6:06 PM
Scorpio: That pattern you've been noticing is real and it's the key to understanding everything. Of course you'll need to gather a lot more data, so it's imperative that you neglect all relationships and responsibilities. You must focus on the pattern.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Sagittarius: People will be much less impressed when they find out your story about beating the devil at the crossroads involves you playing Super Mario Brothers 3.
January 4, 2026 at 6:06 PM
Sagittarius: People will be much less impressed when they find out your story about beating the devil at the crossroads involves you playing Super Mario Brothers 3.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Capricorn: Your desire to travel may be awakened by a pack of pale wolves that surround your apartment complex. Now’s the time to finally check if that door in the laundry room connects to the old mineshaft. Hurry!!
January 4, 2026 at 6:06 PM
Capricorn: Your desire to travel may be awakened by a pack of pale wolves that surround your apartment complex. Now’s the time to finally check if that door in the laundry room connects to the old mineshaft. Hurry!!
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Aquarius: It's time to put all the disappointments and misery of 2025 behind you and look forward to 2026, which will have lots of new disappointments and misery in store for you.
January 4, 2026 at 6:06 PM
Aquarius: It's time to put all the disappointments and misery of 2025 behind you and look forward to 2026, which will have lots of new disappointments and misery in store for you.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.
January 4, 2026 at 6:05 PM
Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.
Reposted by Sorrowscopes
The future is not written in stone, but the new SorrowScopes will give you a glimpse of the terrible possibilities.
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
a drawing of a monster that looks like a christmas tree with a r on the bottom
Alt: a drawing of a monster that looks like a christmas tree, all eyes and tentacles
media.tenor.com
December 15, 2024 at 7:28 PM
The future is not written in stone, but the new SorrowScopes will give you a glimpse of the terrible possibilities.
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN
January 4, 2026 at 6:18 PM
CHECK OUT OUR SPECIAL NEW YEAR'S EDITION OF SORROWSCOPES! TELL YOU FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE MONSTER INSIDE YOU THAT WILL NEVER BE SLAIN
Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.
January 4, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.
Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
January 4, 2026 at 6:08 PM
Taurus: You will live like a king this year. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.