Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
@heavysweater.bsky.social
purveyor of tired bits
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
why does Mark Kelly look like Hugh Jackman playing Professor Charles Xavier
The President doesn't want you standing up and speaking out against him, so he's coming after me to intimidate all of us.
But I won't back down — and neither should you.
But I won't back down — and neither should you.
November 27, 2025 at 5:48 PM
why does Mark Kelly look like Hugh Jackman playing Professor Charles Xavier
I got tons of birthday well wishes yesterday from friends all over the world.
Not a single family member reached out via text or phone.
Not complaining, just grateful for my friends!
Not a single family member reached out via text or phone.
Not complaining, just grateful for my friends!
November 27, 2025 at 2:57 PM
I got tons of birthday well wishes yesterday from friends all over the world.
Not a single family member reached out via text or phone.
Not complaining, just grateful for my friends!
Not a single family member reached out via text or phone.
Not complaining, just grateful for my friends!
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
"I really hate all corporate spokespeople," said Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder.
"Even the harmless Progressive lady?" asked the interviewer.
"That's correct," said Vedder. "Even Flo"
"Even the harmless Progressive lady?" asked the interviewer.
"That's correct," said Vedder. "Even Flo"
November 25, 2025 at 4:59 PM
"I really hate all corporate spokespeople," said Pearl Jam singer Eddie Vedder.
"Even the harmless Progressive lady?" asked the interviewer.
"That's correct," said Vedder. "Even Flo"
"Even the harmless Progressive lady?" asked the interviewer.
"That's correct," said Vedder. "Even Flo"
Great timing
November 24, 2025 at 2:41 AM
Great timing
Dog bowls would make good popcorn bowls JUST SAYIN
November 23, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Dog bowls would make good popcorn bowls JUST SAYIN
Quick question for Philly expert @garlicbuffalo.gobirds.biz: I've seen multiple cop shows set in/around Philadelphia but none of the dialogue has used the word "jawn." What gives?
November 19, 2025 at 10:56 PM
Quick question for Philly expert @garlicbuffalo.gobirds.biz: I've seen multiple cop shows set in/around Philadelphia but none of the dialogue has used the word "jawn." What gives?
If you can inurn something that you can uninern it. That's what keeps me going
November 18, 2025 at 5:21 AM
If you can inurn something that you can uninern it. That's what keeps me going
It's reallly smart how bedding companies put big loud scratchy tags on their pillows. Everyone loves big loud scratchy stuff when they want to sleep
November 17, 2025 at 3:09 PM
It's reallly smart how bedding companies put big loud scratchy tags on their pillows. Everyone loves big loud scratchy stuff when they want to sleep
The Ms brass wouldn't dare let this go as long as Cal's growing Dumper from last season
I add a new hockey logo to Josh Naylor’s jersey every day until the Mariners re-sign him
Day 25: Atlanta Thrashers
Day 25: Atlanta Thrashers
November 17, 2025 at 2:01 AM
The Ms brass wouldn't dare let this go as long as Cal's growing Dumper from last season
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
I add a new hockey logo to Josh Naylor’s jersey every day until the Mariners re-sign him
Day 1: OG
Day 1: OG
October 21, 2025 at 6:06 PM
I add a new hockey logo to Josh Naylor’s jersey every day until the Mariners re-sign him
Day 1: OG
Day 1: OG
*hears the beginning of any Bruce Springsteen song*
Fine, I'll watch all of the sopranos again
Fine, I'll watch all of the sopranos again
November 16, 2025 at 7:09 PM
*hears the beginning of any Bruce Springsteen song*
Fine, I'll watch all of the sopranos again
Fine, I'll watch all of the sopranos again
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
Weird that we have a planet-wide magnetic defense system that self activates when the sun decides to attack but it is very pretty
November 12, 2025 at 2:21 AM
Weird that we have a planet-wide magnetic defense system that self activates when the sun decides to attack but it is very pretty
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
November 4, 2024 at 6:39 PM
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
You don’t often get to see perfect comedy. Enjoy a master at work.
November 3, 2025 at 8:33 AM
You don’t often get to see perfect comedy. Enjoy a master at work.
What time does Game 8 start
November 2, 2025 at 9:30 PM
What time does Game 8 start
Ms would have gotten to Yamamoto
November 2, 2025 at 2:34 PM
Ms would have gotten to Yamamoto
When I am president, I will only golf once a month
November 1, 2025 at 6:02 PM
When I am president, I will only golf once a month
A few people thought I was David Foster Wallace
November 1, 2025 at 2:41 AM
A few people thought I was David Foster Wallace
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
muppetized horror movie posters: thread
November 1, 2025 at 1:53 AM
muppetized horror movie posters: thread
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
just went to @stathead.com again. shohei tonight is the only guy ever to record 12+ total bases and 3 walks in the regular season or playoffs. it has never happened before in major league baseball
October 28, 2025 at 5:22 AM
just went to @stathead.com again. shohei tonight is the only guy ever to record 12+ total bases and 3 walks in the regular season or playoffs. it has never happened before in major league baseball
It's not "tonic and gin," it's "tawny kanchin" which is a very rare monkey.
Billy Joel was singing about bestiality
Billy Joel was singing about bestiality
October 27, 2025 at 12:42 AM
It's not "tonic and gin," it's "tawny kanchin" which is a very rare monkey.
Billy Joel was singing about bestiality
Billy Joel was singing about bestiality
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
Pioneer Square is buzzing right now. Eruptions of cheers from every bar. People in jerseys zipping by on e-scooters. Looks like more hotdog stands than usual. Every window you look into, the game's on.
October 21, 2025 at 1:26 AM
Pioneer Square is buzzing right now. Eruptions of cheers from every bar. People in jerseys zipping by on e-scooters. Looks like more hotdog stands than usual. Every window you look into, the game's on.
Reposted by Carly Rae Jeppson's Malört
JROD’s eyes so dreamy, shouldn’t be legal.
October 21, 2025 at 1:07 AM
JROD’s eyes so dreamy, shouldn’t be legal.
JULIOOOOOO
October 21, 2025 at 1:03 AM
JULIOOOOOO
Can someone tell JP solo home runs don't actually help
October 20, 2025 at 2:54 AM
Can someone tell JP solo home runs don't actually help