Wizard Morty
@cyberleaf.bsky.social
For all the real Mort-heads
Sometimes it sounds kinda nice to be a friendless moron. Spend all week half-assing your job, listening to podcasts that remind you of college. Settle in at home at the end of the week for Whiskey Friday with Tony Dokoupil, learn what your opinion should be. Then one day you just die.
January 16, 2026 at 5:29 PM
Sometimes it sounds kinda nice to be a friendless moron. Spend all week half-assing your job, listening to podcasts that remind you of college. Settle in at home at the end of the week for Whiskey Friday with Tony Dokoupil, learn what your opinion should be. Then one day you just die.
I would like to prepare a meal for every ICE agent, using ingredients known only to me
One of the stories that makes me the saddest out of this ICE invasion is one out of the Minnesota Star Tribune today about ICE agents eating at a little Mexican restaurant in the small town of Willmar, Minn, —and then, when they were done, arresting some of the workers.
January 16, 2026 at 5:04 AM
I would like to prepare a meal for every ICE agent, using ingredients known only to me
If you're an ICE agent, you don't know who will eventually be in a position to make you suffer. Many people who are watching you now will, for the rest of your life, aim to maximize that suffering. It's done. That will be your experience now.
January 14, 2026 at 4:02 AM
If you're an ICE agent, you don't know who will eventually be in a position to make you suffer. Many people who are watching you now will, for the rest of your life, aim to maximize that suffering. It's done. That will be your experience now.
Hello my wife, please give me peas from the freezer to put on my ass. Yes I slipped and fell like a cartoon man stepping on a banana peel. Yes I almost poked my eye out with my walkie-talkie. Yes everyone saw me and I got a concussion. No I don't want an Ambien, stop asking.
i believe the photographer who is taking the photo is Christopher Katsarov of the Canadian Press, and here is his photo
January 11, 2026 at 11:29 PM
Hello my wife, please give me peas from the freezer to put on my ass. Yes I slipped and fell like a cartoon man stepping on a banana peel. Yes I almost poked my eye out with my walkie-talkie. Yes everyone saw me and I got a concussion. No I don't want an Ambien, stop asking.
Hello my wife, thank you for traveling from the Philippines to clean my house and such. Unfortunately I have just had a temper tantrum that caused me to shoot another woman in the face three times on camera, so we will need to go into hiding now. No I don't know where your passport is, stop asking.
January 11, 2026 at 5:28 PM
Hello my wife, thank you for traveling from the Philippines to clean my house and such. Unfortunately I have just had a temper tantrum that caused me to shoot another woman in the face three times on camera, so we will need to go into hiding now. No I don't know where your passport is, stop asking.
The "I can't cum until you cry" administration
It’s always struck me as odd how the objectives of the regime and the opposition are exactly the inverse of what they should be.
The regime should *want* peaceful acquiescence to their rule, just as the Democrats should want an escalation into a situation the latter can’t control.
The regime should *want* peaceful acquiescence to their rule, just as the Democrats should want an escalation into a situation the latter can’t control.
January 9, 2026 at 4:02 AM
The "I can't cum until you cry" administration
Reposted by Wizard Morty
there needs to be a sex offender registry but for ice guys. you should have to go door to door when you move to a new area and inform your neighbors that you used to be an ice guy. they shouldn't be allowed with 500 feet of a school
January 9, 2026 at 12:24 AM
there needs to be a sex offender registry but for ice guys. you should have to go door to door when you move to a new area and inform your neighbors that you used to be an ice guy. they shouldn't be allowed with 500 feet of a school
At this point there is no punishment for these people that I would consider either cruel or unusual
January 8, 2026 at 2:30 AM
At this point there is no punishment for these people that I would consider either cruel or unusual
Reposted by Wizard Morty
kind of darkly funny that "gender studies" is the stereotypical "useless degree" because gender studies will help you understand a large and important chunk of the current psychosis in american life
January 6, 2026 at 2:00 AM
kind of darkly funny that "gender studies" is the stereotypical "useless degree" because gender studies will help you understand a large and important chunk of the current psychosis in american life
It's 2:15 in the goddamn morning and the frogs outside are going fucking bonkers
January 4, 2026 at 10:17 AM
It's 2:15 in the goddamn morning and the frogs outside are going fucking bonkers
I think people on here who fret and sweat about a third Trump term are mostly just exciting themselves with thoughts of a dramatic future, but it is very funny to imagine him deteriorating like this for two more years and then trying to put together some kind of campaign
December 30, 2025 at 5:48 AM
I think people on here who fret and sweat about a third Trump term are mostly just exciting themselves with thoughts of a dramatic future, but it is very funny to imagine him deteriorating like this for two more years and then trying to put together some kind of campaign
Main split in Pluribus audience seems to be between people who see that the protagonist is severely limited by her reactionary, incurious nature, and people who relate to that experience. Not great.
December 29, 2025 at 6:12 PM
Main split in Pluribus audience seems to be between people who see that the protagonist is severely limited by her reactionary, incurious nature, and people who relate to that experience. Not great.
Idk how Starbucks prepared this stuff but I worked at a Barnes & Noble Cafe when this debuted and we just pumped a little cup full of mocha syrup and popped it in the microwave lol
Starbucks Chantico (2005-2005): Promoted as a "drinkable dessert", this rich, creamy chocolate drink was modeled after European hot drinking chocolates. However, customers complained that it was only available in 6-oz servings and couldn't be customized, so it was axed.
December 24, 2025 at 10:56 PM
Idk how Starbucks prepared this stuff but I worked at a Barnes & Noble Cafe when this debuted and we just pumped a little cup full of mocha syrup and popped it in the microwave lol
Reposted by Wizard Morty
That there exist tiers of wealth beyond which it is literally impossible to ever make enough bad financial decisions to impoverish yourself no matter how puddingbrained you are is something we either have to eliminate or else make that the case for all people at all income levels.
December 24, 2025 at 5:59 PM
That there exist tiers of wealth beyond which it is literally impossible to ever make enough bad financial decisions to impoverish yourself no matter how puddingbrained you are is something we either have to eliminate or else make that the case for all people at all income levels.
Incredibly, new research shows that Franklin D. Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, and many other world leaders were, in fact, suffering from HITLER DERANGEMENT SYNDROME
December 23, 2025 at 3:55 PM
Incredibly, new research shows that Franklin D. Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, and many other world leaders were, in fact, suffering from HITLER DERANGEMENT SYNDROME
Why did they deport the animals
December 21, 2025 at 1:04 AM
Why did they deport the animals
Reposted by Wizard Morty
This is a huge day for Barbara Streisand and her famous Effect
December 20, 2025 at 1:33 AM
This is a huge day for Barbara Streisand and her famous Effect
This is a huge day for Barbara Streisand and her famous Effect
December 20, 2025 at 1:33 AM
This is a huge day for Barbara Streisand and her famous Effect
The beverage market (with the proliferation of sugar-free sodas, cocktails, and non-alcoholic beers) is one area where this country is absolutely without a doubt experiencing rapid "pussification," and god it feels so good
December 17, 2025 at 8:37 PM
The beverage market (with the proliferation of sugar-free sodas, cocktails, and non-alcoholic beers) is one area where this country is absolutely without a doubt experiencing rapid "pussification," and god it feels so good
This is true. My advice to any white guys struggling to find work is, "have you tried tucking in your shirt and wearing glasses"
As a white guy who's gotten numerous jobs that he probably wasn't qualified for if you're grumbling you're just not white guying hard enough.
December 17, 2025 at 4:28 PM
This is true. My advice to any white guys struggling to find work is, "have you tried tucking in your shirt and wearing glasses"
Painfully obvious that we are being led into war by a guy who just wants to have more fun being in charge of the military and thinks going to war is like booting up an extra exciting version of Call Of Duty
Sen. Chris Murphy said Hegseth + Rubio admitted to senators yesterday that no fentanyl is coming out of Venezuela -- despite Trump’s misleading efforts to tie the country to the deadly drug so he can justify bombing boats.
The boats have cocaine, bound for Europe. www.huffpost.com/entry/chris-...
The boats have cocaine, bound for Europe. www.huffpost.com/entry/chris-...
Senator Reaches Damning Conclusions After Classified Briefing With Hegseth, Rubio
Sen. Chris Murphy trashed a meeting with the Cabinet duo about the Trump administration's boat bombings.
www.huffpost.com
December 17, 2025 at 4:22 PM
Painfully obvious that we are being led into war by a guy who just wants to have more fun being in charge of the military and thinks going to war is like booting up an extra exciting version of Call Of Duty
Yes. Air travel demands, above all else, that you Accept Your Circumstances.
the airport is supposed to be a test of your ability to maintain a zen-like tranquility amidst the noise and chaos. entering the lounge is accepting a defect in your personal character. unless you have kids of course, all bets are off if you have kids
Oh no, the once-elite airport lounge is now just another crowded space.
December 16, 2025 at 2:47 PM
Yes. Air travel demands, above all else, that you Accept Your Circumstances.
Just received a document from a Texas attorney written in Century Schoolbook. Sending it back to him with red ink notes saying it needs to be double-spaced with the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.
December 15, 2025 at 5:13 PM
Just received a document from a Texas attorney written in Century Schoolbook. Sending it back to him with red ink notes saying it needs to be double-spaced with the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.
Gen z makeup artists out here taking their own quiet revenge on the Republican machine
December 13, 2025 at 3:12 AM
Gen z makeup artists out here taking their own quiet revenge on the Republican machine