Bad Soccer Stats
@badsoccerstats.com
Per the name, these are bad, completely made up, soccer stats (unless otherwise noted).
Do not rely on them for anything other than a sensible chuckle.
Do not rely on them for anything other than a sensible chuckle.
Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.
Chat, talk me off this cliff
I fear we’re cooked
I fear we’re cooked
a man wearing a music band shirt is carrying a skateboard on his back
ALT: a man wearing a music band shirt is carrying a skateboard on his back
media.tenor.com
November 3, 2025 at 1:35 AM
Our model says Austin will 100% win, most likely 5-2.
FINALLY NICO ESTEVEZ LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE
Bukari’s ankle didn't make it after all. Robert Taylor starts at RW; Obrian could theoretically spell him
November 3, 2025 at 1:15 AM
FINALLY NICO ESTEVEZ LISTENS TO OUR ADVICE
You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.
I work with the best crew in the game! 🙏
This is so cool. Shout out to ASA alums and legends @ajbarnold.bsky.social and @arielledror.bsky.social.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMcv...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMcv...
November 1, 2025 at 2:08 AM
You clearly do not, as you keep ignoring our emails.
We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.
October 23, 2025 at 10:05 PM
We cannot stress highly enough how this the perfect hire for New England.
Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.
If you want to keep ASA free of ads for dick and hair loss pills you gotta support the patreon I don’t make the rules sorry
If you want to support VizHub directly and get early access to similar projects in the future, the best way to do so is by signing up for the ASA Patreon and joining the Discord for just $5/month
www.patreon.com/americansocc...
www.patreon.com/americansocc...
September 24, 2025 at 4:09 AM
Despite our best efforts, @americansocceranalysis.com refuses all of our monetization ideas. Their lack of vision is staggering.
It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron.
We regret the error.
In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain.
prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...
We regret the error.
In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain.
prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...
“Nobody loves him & he forgets that we have family & are people”, Former players open up about their time under Caleb Porter
prostinternational.com
September 16, 2025 at 9:03 PM
It would appear that our Revs preview was somewhat wrong. Ka'leb Por'ator was more Duras than Gowron.
We regret the error.
In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain.
prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...
We regret the error.
In related news, we have calculated that Archer was the best captain.
prostinternational.com/2025/09/16/n...
While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen.
youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...
youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...
Pele The King of Soccer and Crestfield Wax Paper Kitchen Tips & Tricks
YouTube video by Bump Enterprise
youtube.com
September 15, 2025 at 7:52 PM
While our numbers indicate Pele is, at best, Duke Of The Soccer Field, we can confirm he is right that Crestfield Wax Paper makes you King Of Your Kitchen.
youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...
youtube.com/shorts/YAH7y...
This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.
Orange County SC's Vuk Latinovich might have just scored the own goal of the season, @mikewattsonair.bsky.social is utterly perplexed. #USL-C
August 31, 2025 at 8:38 PM
This is, statistically speaking, the highest percentage clearance chance. He made the right decision.
Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.
Update: it was even worse than this suggests.
As always, Austin v. Dallas is
August 17, 2025 at 2:57 AM
Even we think this game was an affront to soccer.
We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable.
Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.
Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.
No NYCFC match vs Columbus this weekend as the grass in the Citi Field outfield is in rough shape + deemed off limits by the Mets
How a combination of Blackpink concerts, sod installations, extreme heat forced this game to move to Yankee Stadium later in September
How a combination of Blackpink concerts, sod installations, extreme heat forced this game to move to Yankee Stadium later in September
NYCFC-Columbus match postponed due to Citi Field grass issues
How Blackpink concerts, sod installations, and extreme heat all teamed up to force New York City FC to postpone their meeting with Columbus Crew.
www.hudsonriverblue.com
August 7, 2025 at 9:56 PM
We have been advising MLS clubs to hold more summer concerts as a revenue stream. Metal bands, of all stripes, are the most profitable.
Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.
Don Garber is a big fan of Duran Duran, and so all concert proceeds from them can be converted to GAM.
The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team.
In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.
In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.
August 4, 2025 at 11:22 PM
The single biggest MLS Mandela Effect is the belief that Kai Kamara played for your team.
In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.
In reality, his entire career was spent in Belgium.
Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion:
Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.
Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.
August 4, 2025 at 3:52 PM
Thousands of hours of GPU time have led to one inescapable conclusion:
Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.
Every day is the Hate Cuauhtémoc Blanco Day.
Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.
Gabriel Pec looks lost at wingback. I feel like having one of your best attacking players pinned back and out of position in most moments isn’t a good idea?
August 4, 2025 at 3:12 AM
Our metrics show that this is by far his best position, and we informed the club post-haste.
Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision.
#mls
#mls
July 26, 2025 at 11:40 PM
Draft Kings advertising internet betting in A) Texas, where it's illegal, and B) DC where it is only legal in a 3 block radius of Capital One Arena is a bizarre decision.
#mls
#mls
On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
Do not worry about the international spots
July 26, 2025 at 4:33 PM
On the contrary, they should be your second biggest worry after the baggage retrieval system they've got at Heathrow.
We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge.
We helped most of the players shoot well under par.
We helped most of the players shoot well under par.
July 23, 2025 at 1:51 AM
We are proud to be the official shooting analytics provider to the MLS Skills Challenge Shooting Challenge.
We helped most of the players shoot well under par.
We helped most of the players shoot well under par.
You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing.
...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.
...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.
July 21, 2025 at 8:25 PM
You would be shocked at how fast our foothold is growing.
...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.
...mostly in Bolivia, but it is in triple digits.
Reposted by Bad Soccer Stats
I’m not here to run a soccer club.
I’m here to weaponize nostalgia.
The brand? Vintage.
The vision? Vague.
The business plan? Behind a paywall.
#CaribouRising
I’m here to weaponize nostalgia.
The brand? Vintage.
The vision? Vague.
The business plan? Behind a paywall.
#CaribouRising
July 21, 2025 at 7:40 PM
I’m not here to run a soccer club.
I’m here to weaponize nostalgia.
The brand? Vintage.
The vision? Vague.
The business plan? Behind a paywall.
#CaribouRising
I’m here to weaponize nostalgia.
The brand? Vintage.
The vision? Vague.
The business plan? Behind a paywall.
#CaribouRising
We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.
For the first time, we have two entries to Tier 0. The State of Analytics in MLS is here: www.americansocceranalysis.com/home/2025/7/20/state-of-mls-analytics-july-2025
July 21, 2025 at 6:00 PM
We are happy to have been assisting Austin FC in their analytics. We are hard driving towards Tier 4 with all possible speed.
We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".
Sources: A report suggesting Dani Pereira is about to leave Austin FC for Coventry City is not true.
July 18, 2025 at 12:44 AM
We saw him at Frost Bank converting Dollars into Pounds Sterling, and asking how to pronounce "Llanfairpwllgwyngyll".
PERFECTION. No notes.
Saw this on LinkedIn today and it just gets worse the more you look at it
July 15, 2025 at 12:41 PM
PERFECTION. No notes.
Reposted by Bad Soccer Stats
Our thoughts go out to all those affected by the flooding in the Texas Hill Country.
July 5, 2025 at 6:54 PM
Our thoughts go out to all those affected by the flooding in the Texas Hill Country.
As of July 1st, this is the strength of schedule analysis through the end of the 2025 MLS season. Negative Z-Score means easier schedule.
On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes.
docs.google.com/spreadsheets...
On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes.
docs.google.com/spreadsheets...
Austin FC Strength of Schedule
docs.google.com
July 5, 2025 at 9:59 PM
As of July 1st, this is the strength of schedule analysis through the end of the 2025 MLS season. Negative Z-Score means easier schedule.
On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes.
docs.google.com/spreadsheets...
On rare occasions we publish real numbers to keep you on your toes.
docs.google.com/spreadsheets...
We are trying to determine if recently divorced soccer players have an xWife of 0 or 1.
Responses on a postcard.
Responses on a postcard.
June 23, 2025 at 7:49 PM
We are trying to determine if recently divorced soccer players have an xWife of 0 or 1.
Responses on a postcard.
Responses on a postcard.