Aspartame Valerian
@aspartame.bsky.social
>INVENTORY
You are carrying cup of coffee, tiny dog, stack of books, way too much information about hollow earth theory
You are carrying cup of coffee, tiny dog, stack of books, way too much information about hollow earth theory
Pinned
Update: I really should have sprung for the $12 ring of shrimp instead of the $8. Don’t get me wrong—I ate every shrimp. It was just sort of middling.
Time never moves slower than when I’m waiting for my grocery store ring of shrimp cocktail to defrost.
February 15, 2026 at 12:31 AM
Update: I really should have sprung for the $12 ring of shrimp instead of the $8. Don’t get me wrong—I ate every shrimp. It was just sort of middling.
Time never moves slower than when I’m waiting for my grocery store ring of shrimp cocktail to defrost.
February 14, 2026 at 11:17 PM
Time never moves slower than when I’m waiting for my grocery store ring of shrimp cocktail to defrost.
In honor of love.
February 14, 2026 at 10:12 PM
In honor of love.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
if you’re seeing this it was meant to find you today
February 14, 2026 at 6:05 PM
if you’re seeing this it was meant to find you today
Eating brunch with the v-day couples and I don’t feel suicidal.
a man wearing glasses says " life uh " in front of a lamp
Alt: Jurassic Park clip of Jeff Goldblum saying " life uh funds a way."
media.tenor.com
February 14, 2026 at 4:07 PM
Eating brunch with the v-day couples and I don’t feel suicidal.
The socks don’t lie.
February 14, 2026 at 2:38 PM
The socks don’t lie.
pudding-maxxing
February 14, 2026 at 2:24 AM
pudding-maxxing
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
You may laugh, but the Macbeths are a much better role model for a marriage than Romeo and Juliet. They discuss their problems (killing the king of Scotland), share their hobbies (killing the king of Scotland), and resolve their conflicts (by killing the king of Scotland).
February 13, 2026 at 5:09 PM
You may laugh, but the Macbeths are a much better role model for a marriage than Romeo and Juliet. They discuss their problems (killing the king of Scotland), share their hobbies (killing the king of Scotland), and resolve their conflicts (by killing the king of Scotland).
Add a word, ruin a movie
Problem Drinking Child
Problem Drinking Child
Add a word, ruin a movie
"Iron Deficiency Man"
"Iron Deficiency Man"
Add a word, Ruin A movie
No Apocalypse Now
No Apocalypse Now
February 13, 2026 at 8:36 PM
Add a word, ruin a movie
Problem Drinking Child
Problem Drinking Child
Yay!
February 12, 2026 at 10:18 PM
Yay!
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
Birds: tweet tweet tweet
Other birds: you sexy mother-effer
Other birds: you sexy mother-effer
February 7, 2026 at 12:18 AM
Birds: tweet tweet tweet
Other birds: you sexy mother-effer
Other birds: you sexy mother-effer
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
I just want to be where it’s still sunny out.
February 8, 2026 at 11:41 PM
I just want to be where it’s still sunny out.
Is The Office just a sort of Muppet Show?
MY KIDS: so why are there muppets in the AUDIENCE
ME: THE CONCEIT!! IS THAT THEY'RE PUTTING ON A VARIETY SHOW!!! IN A WORLD WHERE MUPPET AND HUMAN COEXIST!!! YOU ARE WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY!! FILMED!! IN REAL TIME!!!
ME: THE CONCEIT!! IS THAT THEY'RE PUTTING ON A VARIETY SHOW!!! IN A WORLD WHERE MUPPET AND HUMAN COEXIST!!! YOU ARE WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY!! FILMED!! IN REAL TIME!!!
February 8, 2026 at 6:22 PM
Is The Office just a sort of Muppet Show?
In case you forgot how little she is, here is Pip on her couch stairs.
February 8, 2026 at 6:16 PM
In case you forgot how little she is, here is Pip on her couch stairs.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
Parallel universe where the only difference is that all of Vinnie Jones' and Toby Jones' roles are reversed.
July 16, 2025 at 7:11 PM
Parallel universe where the only difference is that all of Vinnie Jones' and Toby Jones' roles are reversed.
I walked out of my office at Hudson and Houston in NYC one day and saw a horse running full speed down the center of Houston into oncoming traffic. It was both terrifying and eerie. Thankfully some cops arrived and caught their runaway before there was a terrible accident.
February 3, 2026 at 9:47 PM
I walked out of my office at Hudson and Houston in NYC one day and saw a horse running full speed down the center of Houston into oncoming traffic. It was both terrifying and eerie. Thankfully some cops arrived and caught their runaway before there was a terrible accident.
Crazed killer who’s kidnapped me: I’m gonna skin you alive.
Me, thinking about how itchy I’ve been this winter: Start with the top of my back, please.
Me, thinking about how itchy I’ve been this winter: Start with the top of my back, please.
February 1, 2026 at 7:25 PM
Crazed killer who’s kidnapped me: I’m gonna skin you alive.
Me, thinking about how itchy I’ve been this winter: Start with the top of my back, please.
Me, thinking about how itchy I’ve been this winter: Start with the top of my back, please.
Went to Greek brunch and now I’m covered in honey 🐝
February 1, 2026 at 4:34 PM
Went to Greek brunch and now I’m covered in honey 🐝
Name a more iconic couple
February 1, 2026 at 3:48 PM
Name a more iconic couple
Reese's “peanut butter” cups are the worst.
Guys, I really need to talk about something dumb and meaningless. What's a universally beloved sweet treat that you think is just mid? For me, it's meringue.
February 1, 2026 at 1:56 AM
Reese's “peanut butter” cups are the worst.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
His name is Dewey.
February 1, 2026 at 12:10 AM
His name is Dewey.
“I’m doing it as hard as I can.”
HAPPY BOSTON MOONINITE PANIC DAY TO ALL WHO CELEBRATE
January 31, 2026 at 5:18 PM
“I’m doing it as hard as I can.”
Roku is recommending the movie I watched just last night, a movie I watched last week and Madea’s Family Reunion. Excellent work. No suggestions.
January 31, 2026 at 3:50 PM
Roku is recommending the movie I watched just last night, a movie I watched last week and Madea’s Family Reunion. Excellent work. No suggestions.
Never mind the jobs you had, tell me five classes you took in college:
I was able to audit classes at a university I worked at so a couple of these were taken after college.
Modern American Poetry
Urban Sociology
The Anthropology of Violence
Grantwriting
Medieval Women
I was able to audit classes at a university I worked at so a couple of these were taken after college.
Modern American Poetry
Urban Sociology
The Anthropology of Violence
Grantwriting
Medieval Women
January 31, 2026 at 2:05 PM
Never mind the jobs you had, tell me five classes you took in college:
I was able to audit classes at a university I worked at so a couple of these were taken after college.
Modern American Poetry
Urban Sociology
The Anthropology of Violence
Grantwriting
Medieval Women
I was able to audit classes at a university I worked at so a couple of these were taken after college.
Modern American Poetry
Urban Sociology
The Anthropology of Violence
Grantwriting
Medieval Women