Allen Rein
@allenarrr.bsky.social
Singer/songwriter, corporate ops, contributor to McSweeneys. Also @trumpsties. (he/him)
Pinned
Allen Rein
@allenarrr.bsky.social
· Jun 10
It was the what-the-fuck of times, it was the what-in-the-actual-fuck of times.
Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.
February 18, 2026 at 4:56 PM
Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.
Reposted by Allen Rein
We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.
February 15, 2026 at 2:11 PM
We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.
I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.
February 10, 2026 at 4:57 PM
I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.
Reposted by Allen Rein
It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on
February 9, 2026 at 4:37 PM
It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on
Reposted by Allen Rein
Me: Is this really necessary?
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
February 9, 2026 at 2:36 PM
Me: Is this really necessary?
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it
*bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*
I like to watch an Olympic event for a good five or six minutes before thinking of myself as an expert analyst.
February 9, 2026 at 12:01 AM
I like to watch an Olympic event for a good five or six minutes before thinking of myself as an expert analyst.
Ilia Malinin at 21: performs multiple extraordinarily difficult ice skating jumps, earning the nickname “Quad God.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
February 8, 2026 at 3:17 PM
Ilia Malinin at 21: performs multiple extraordinarily difficult ice skating jumps, earning the nickname “Quad God.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”
I can still remember a time when the primary reason to hate Kid Rock was his music.
February 5, 2026 at 5:38 PM
I can still remember a time when the primary reason to hate Kid Rock was his music.
Hanging a lot of my emotional stability on a fucking groundhog.
February 1, 2026 at 2:48 PM
Hanging a lot of my emotional stability on a fucking groundhog.
*slides Punxsutawney Phil $20*
You realize what’s at stake, right?
You realize what’s at stake, right?
January 31, 2026 at 10:10 PM
*slides Punxsutawney Phil $20*
You realize what’s at stake, right?
You realize what’s at stake, right?
*sends White House "Worst Government Ever" mug*
January 26, 2026 at 6:33 PM
*sends White House "Worst Government Ever" mug*
[video of me on my couch in a hoodie]
“Day 1 of me counting.”
“Day 1 of me counting.”
January 25, 2026 at 3:19 PM
[video of me on my couch in a hoodie]
“Day 1 of me counting.”
“Day 1 of me counting.”
You too can watch the United States’ invasion of the United States on live television.
January 24, 2026 at 8:37 PM
You too can watch the United States’ invasion of the United States on live television.
Reposted by Allen Rein
terrifying if literal: my feet are killing me
December 16, 2025 at 5:39 PM
terrifying if literal: my feet are killing me
Reposted by Allen Rein
Each morning I reach into the fridge for the milk for my coffee, I first reach in further and run a finger delicately along the gold wrapping on the lid of the bottle of champagne holding court in the back, biding its time for the inevitable day, THE day, and I whisper, “soon, my darling. Soon.”
January 15, 2026 at 4:55 PM
Each morning I reach into the fridge for the milk for my coffee, I first reach in further and run a finger delicately along the gold wrapping on the lid of the bottle of champagne holding court in the back, biding its time for the inevitable day, THE day, and I whisper, “soon, my darling. Soon.”
Reposted by Allen Rein
Too bad a carafe isn't what it sounds like (a car-shaped giraffe).
January 13, 2026 at 2:00 AM
Too bad a carafe isn't what it sounds like (a car-shaped giraffe).
There's still time to stop trying to make robots that can run and jump.
January 6, 2026 at 12:39 AM
There's still time to stop trying to make robots that can run and jump.
Why, yes, this IS an A-Team thermos filled with Macallan 18 Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch.
January 5, 2026 at 11:02 PM
Why, yes, this IS an A-Team thermos filled with Macallan 18 Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch.
What a time to wish it were a different time to be alive.
January 3, 2026 at 6:57 PM
What a time to wish it were a different time to be alive.
But exercising today would be such a cliche.
January 1, 2026 at 4:56 PM
But exercising today would be such a cliche.
Oooh, I hope the new year is 2029!
December 31, 2025 at 11:46 PM
Oooh, I hope the new year is 2029!
Reposted by Allen Rein
[lights 2025 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]
There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]
December 29, 2025 at 6:53 PM
[lights 2025 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]
There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]
Reposted by Allen Rein
Remember to complete all your yearly giving in the next couple of days (by liking and reposting all my stuff).
December 29, 2025 at 2:04 PM
Remember to complete all your yearly giving in the next couple of days (by liking and reposting all my stuff).
If at any point 2026 says, “hold my beer,” DO NOT DO IT.
December 29, 2025 at 1:51 PM
If at any point 2026 says, “hold my beer,” DO NOT DO IT.
I just did a jigsaw puzzle on a coffee table, which means I sat on the floor, which means I eventually had to try to get up, which means I'm still on the floor. This is where I live now. #fifty-two
December 27, 2025 at 10:10 PM
I just did a jigsaw puzzle on a coffee table, which means I sat on the floor, which means I eventually had to try to get up, which means I'm still on the floor. This is where I live now. #fifty-two