Allen Rein
@allenarrr.bsky.social
Singer/songwriter, corporate ops, contributor to McSweeneys. Also @trumpsties. (he/him)
Pinned
Allen Rein
@allenarrr.bsky.social
· Jun 10
It was the what-the-fuck of times, it was the what-in-the-actual-fuck of times.
Three truths:
Nuts ruin brownies.
The stovetop is the best drying rack.
JD Vance is a piece of shit.
Nuts ruin brownies.
The stovetop is the best drying rack.
JD Vance is a piece of shit.
November 14, 2025 at 1:13 AM
Three truths:
Nuts ruin brownies.
The stovetop is the best drying rack.
JD Vance is a piece of shit.
Nuts ruin brownies.
The stovetop is the best drying rack.
JD Vance is a piece of shit.
Sorry I said, “skip intro” when you kicked off the zoom meeting.
November 11, 2025 at 3:59 AM
Sorry I said, “skip intro” when you kicked off the zoom meeting.
Reposted by Allen Rein
Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia.
November 5, 2025 at 1:39 PM
Yes, Santa Claus, there is a Virginia.
Wanna feel good for a minute? I am sitting in some of the worst traffic I can remember, and every single vehicle is heading to the same place: to drop items off at our community’s food drive. Hundreds of cars, bumper to bumper; people waving, smiling, crying.
November 2, 2025 at 5:36 PM
Wanna feel good for a minute? I am sitting in some of the worst traffic I can remember, and every single vehicle is heading to the same place: to drop items off at our community’s food drive. Hundreds of cars, bumper to bumper; people waving, smiling, crying.
Helicopters in the sky; all of our neighborhood schools on lockdown; community members texting, posting, taking to the streets to help.
Welcome to ICE America.
Welcome to ICE America.
October 31, 2025 at 6:59 PM
Helicopters in the sky; all of our neighborhood schools on lockdown; community members texting, posting, taking to the streets to help.
Welcome to ICE America.
Welcome to ICE America.
Surprised to learn that my Halloween costume, Sexy Nuclear Test, is wildly topical.
October 30, 2025 at 10:07 PM
Surprised to learn that my Halloween costume, Sexy Nuclear Test, is wildly topical.
The online advertising algorithms are frighteningly smart - right up until you make a purchase. It’s like, “Look, I bought the tambourine. I’m the last person on earth who needs to keep seeing tambourine ads. Get your shit together.”
October 25, 2025 at 1:30 PM
The online advertising algorithms are frighteningly smart - right up until you make a purchase. It’s like, “Look, I bought the tambourine. I’m the last person on earth who needs to keep seeing tambourine ads. Get your shit together.”
The two scariest episodes of The Twilight Zone are the one with the monster on the airplane wing and the one where I start agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
October 15, 2025 at 5:34 PM
The two scariest episodes of The Twilight Zone are the one with the monster on the airplane wing and the one where I start agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
The most dangerous part of Chicago is the Executive Branch of the US Government.
October 7, 2025 at 12:34 PM
The most dangerous part of Chicago is the Executive Branch of the US Government.
Just played “twat” in a Scrabble game against my mother, so now I’m going to have to fake my own death.
September 27, 2025 at 8:50 PM
Just played “twat” in a Scrabble game against my mother, so now I’m going to have to fake my own death.
Reposted by Allen Rein
Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".
September 23, 2025 at 10:42 PM
Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".
Tylenol: "Keep our medicine's name out of your damned mouth!"
Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?"
Tylenol: "LOL never mind."
Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?"
Tylenol: "LOL never mind."
September 23, 2025 at 3:44 PM
Tylenol: "Keep our medicine's name out of your damned mouth!"
Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?"
Tylenol: "LOL never mind."
Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?"
Tylenol: "LOL never mind."
Reposted by Allen Rein
*my funeral
son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan
son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan
September 20, 2025 at 2:07 AM
*my funeral
son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan
son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan
My father was an infectious disease physician, an educator, and a lover of science and medicine. I miss him every day, but I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch what this administration is doing. It would absolutely devastate him.
September 22, 2025 at 11:25 PM
My father was an infectious disease physician, an educator, and a lover of science and medicine. I miss him every day, but I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch what this administration is doing. It would absolutely devastate him.
Reposted by Allen Rein
Perhaps in the spirit of renewal that comes with the new year tonight I'm allowing myself a sliver of belief that the current regime is badly overplaying its hand.
September 22, 2025 at 8:33 PM
Perhaps in the spirit of renewal that comes with the new year tonight I'm allowing myself a sliver of belief that the current regime is badly overplaying its hand.
Caving truth to power.
September 18, 2025 at 1:46 AM
Caving truth to power.
Reposted by Allen Rein
I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.
September 10, 2025 at 8:14 PM
I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.
The only time I want to hear a President say, "Here we go!" is when Barack Obama and I are riding Space Mountain together and approaching the first hill.
September 10, 2025 at 4:52 PM
The only time I want to hear a President say, "Here we go!" is when Barack Obama and I are riding Space Mountain together and approaching the first hill.
The journey from "Covid vaccination required" to "Ha, good luck getting one" is heartbreaking.
September 9, 2025 at 2:42 PM
The journey from "Covid vaccination required" to "Ha, good luck getting one" is heartbreaking.
Me (squinting into the distance): “Oh, fuck. Monday.”
September 7, 2025 at 11:56 PM
Me (squinting into the distance): “Oh, fuck. Monday.”
Like I needed another reason to never go to Florida.
September 4, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Like I needed another reason to never go to Florida.
I want to be just famous enough so that the camera focuses on me in the stands at the US Open, but the commentators say, “Who the fuck is that?”
September 4, 2025 at 1:33 PM
I want to be just famous enough so that the camera focuses on me in the stands at the US Open, but the commentators say, “Who the fuck is that?”
Hard to believe the Republican party used to fight for smaller government.
September 2, 2025 at 10:19 PM
Hard to believe the Republican party used to fight for smaller government.
Hey, there. Quick reminder that our country's leadership DOES NOT WANT US TO BE HEALTHY. As you were.
August 28, 2025 at 9:39 PM
Hey, there. Quick reminder that our country's leadership DOES NOT WANT US TO BE HEALTHY. As you were.