#### Shower Cap __ #### Sign Up for My Updates! * Home * Buy Cap A Beer * Rogues Gallery * About SC * Contact * __ #### Looking for Something? Search for: #### Rogues Gallery * Der Postmeister Postmaster General * Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool * Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates * Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor * Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist * The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us * Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot * THE CONCERN TROLL * THE JACKETLESS JACKASS ## Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power. ## Der Postmeister Postmaster General Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review. ## Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts. ## Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory. ## Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen. ## The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth. ## Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country. ## NUMBER TWO ## Vice-President Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards. A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient. ## POMPEY THE NOT GREAT ## Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.” ## UNSEXY REXY ## Secretary of State Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron. ## BILIOUS BILL ## Attorney General William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability. And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad. ## MNUCHBAG ## Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids. ## THE GENERALS ## Secretary of Defense Chief of Staff National Security Advisor Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there? Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty. ## OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg ## Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright. ## ZINKE BOOTZ Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom. ## WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING ## Secretary of Commerce When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever. ## PLAGUEMASTER T ## Secretary of Health and Human Services If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife. ## DOCTOR NAPTIME ## Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies. ## THE DEVOSTATOR ## Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department! ## SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY ## Administrator of the EPA Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him. Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it. ## PUBIS ## Chief of Staff Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know? Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film. ## DARTH WINO ## Chief Strategist Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life. A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. ## JAR-JAR ## Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball. Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him. ## PRINCESS IVANKA ## Daddy’s Little Girl Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of. ## THE EMPRESS MALARIA ## First Lady So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right. ## HEY, KELLYANNE! ## Senior Counsel Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne! Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne! When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple Cuz he got caught on tape With legitimate rape ## 4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS ## Senior Advisor for Policy Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists? Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life. ## THE MOOCH ## Director of Communications Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh? Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to – Wait, what? Really? ## KKKRIS KKKOBACH ## White Supremacist Multi-Tool Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country! Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.” ## “DOC” GORKA ## Roving Freelance Fascist As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed. #### Archives * February 2026 * January 2026 * December 2025 * November 2025 * October 2025 * September 2025 * August 2025 * July 2025 * June 2025 * May 2025 * April 2025 * March 2025 * February 2025 * January 2025 * November 2024 * October 2024 * September 2024 * August 2024 * July 2024 * June 2024 * May 2024 * April 2024 * March 2024 * February 2024 * January 2024 * December 2023 * November 2023 * October 2023 * September 2023 * June 2023 * May 2023 * April 2023 * March 2023 * February 2023 * January 2023 * December 2022 * November 2022 * October 2022 * September 2022 * August 2022 * July 2022 * June 2022 * May 2022 * April 2022 * March 2022 * February 2022 * January 2022 * December 2021 * November 2021 * October 2021 * September 2021 * August 2021 * July 2021 * June 2021 * May 2021 * April 2021 * March 2021 * February 2021 * January 2021 * December 2020 * November 2020 * October 2020 * September 2020 * August 2020 * July 2020 * June 2020 * May 2020 * April 2020 * March 2020 * February 2020 * January 2020 * December 2019 * November 2019 * October 2019 * September 2019 * August 2019 * July 2019 * June 2019 * May 2019 * April 2019 * March 2019 * February 2019 * January 2019 * December 2018 * November 2018 * October 2018 * September 2018 * August 2018 * July 2018 * June 2018 * May 2018 * April 2018 * March 2018 * February 2018 * January 2018 * December 2017 * November 2017 * October 2017 * September 2017 * August 2017 * July 2017 * June 2017 * May 2017 * April 2017 * March 2017 # Racist Rapist’s Ape Feint Takes Shape Friday, February 6th, 2026 by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 7 comments America passed the “measles outbreak in the children’s concentration camp” milestone this week, but the President definitely didn’t shit his pants. Whatever you may think of the despotism or the inflation or the raw, racist hate, he did not shit his pants. He was actually the one Republican anywhere in the country who didn’t soil themselves after Democrat Taylor Rehmet won that special election in a Texas state Senate district that voted Dotard by a profoundly embarrassing 17 points in 2024. Can’t say I was surprised to see a 31-point red state swing trigger the wannabe autocrat’s cornered rat instincts. He says he wants to nationalize our elections, “take over the voting,” probably count the ballots personally by hand, which’d be hard enough with those stunted baby fingers but next to impossible with a full diaper. I don’t know why I brought that up, as he did not shit himself this week. Still, Bannon imagines elite ICE Nursekiller Squadrons patrolling polling places this November, which, I’ll agree, is absolutely what it’d take to stave off the blue tsunami heading his way. Have you ever been so excited to vote in your life? Why, I’ve asked Ma to sew me a special Referendum on Kakisto-Fascism dress, with a bright red bow and a gas mask just in case. Anyway, in some setting other than idly scrolling while Susie Wiles powdered his bum during his nightly changing, the Offal in the Oval posted a video racist enough to prompt even Tim Scott to retrieve his atrophied spine from the local pawn shop. “How uncharacteristically racist of you, sir,” wheezed what passed for the bravest handful of the GOP’s domesticated legislator class. “Please do not target my loved ones for a lifetime of harassment for saying so. Perhaps there are a few remaining powers we could cede to you?” Of course, the one true currency in the age of a dying megalomaniac is “shit he can rename after himself,” ideally at or around the monument level. He told Chuck Schumer he’d unfreeze the billions in infrastructure funding he’s illegally withholding from the Gateway Tunnel Project in exchange for desecrating Penn Station and Dulles Airport with his sad, flaccid brand. (Rumors that he responded to Schumer’s rejection by shitting himself are just that — rumors.) I suppose with an essential transportation hub, you’re less likely to need to shut the joint down because no one wants to even enter a building you slapped your filthy name on. Sure didn’t take long for Turd Midas to work his magic on the Kennedy Center, huh? Now we wait and see if he tears it down for materials to build his Big Dumb Arch. Y’know, I keep hearing we’re in a culture war, but if so, it’s against Lilliputians without the sense to tie us down while we sleep. Like, I see Kid Rock has been tapped to deliver the Republican rebuttal to the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Yes, the guy who has been a punchline about MAGA’s cultural impotence for so long that it feels lazy to use him as a punchline about MAGA’s cultural impotence. When you heard there was gonna be a TPUSA Counter-Halftime for Muricans Who Dislike Browns, you went to post a joke about how they’d probably get Kid Rock, but you stopped yourself because everybody’s gonna post a Kid Rock joke, and you pushed yourself to find something about maybe Scott Baio’s new cover band that performs only Hitlerjugend anthems, but then they _actually couldn’t do better than Kid Rock._ Now, the other big MAGA culture war gambit involves dragging a statue of Christopher Columbus out of the harbor in Baltimore, where protesters dumped it during the George Floyd protests, to display near the White House. It is my understanding that I am to be “triggered” by this action. I’ll…do my best. Anyway, Kid Kankles wonders what’s the point of weaponizing the Justice Department if none of your persecutors, excuse me, “prosecutors,” can shoot straight? Sorry, dork. Hazards of kakistocracy. Oh, you’re just now figuring out that Ed Martin is part of the problem? Maybe y’all can pressure Harvard into offering Remedial Tyranny. Under Gruppenführer Homan, ICE has endeavored to violate our fundamental civil rights in a slightly less attention-grabbing manner. It’s easier somehow to get away with setting up checkpoints and terrorizing children when you’re not gunning white people down in the streets. Working as a lawyer for the masked, unaccountable secret police force apparently “sucks” owing to the sheer volume of the laws they break. Perhaps the next wave of recruitment ads could target white nationalist bureaucrats somehow? A $500 million bribe lobbed into one of the Trump family cryptocurrency buckets dotting the White House lawn earned the United Arab Emirates access to America’s most advanced AI chips, though no portion of that bribe was paid in adult diapers, whatever you may’ve heard. The regime released another batch of the Epstein files, though of course censoring the nude photos and redacting victims’ names first proved too complex a task. Maybe DHS can offer a series of intensive boot camps where MAGA’s best and brightest can learn how to read and use a black marker. Today in Unhelpfully Feeding a Narcissist’s Ego, some crypto douches hit upon the frankly banal idea of building a gilded, $300,000, 15-foot-tall statue of Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite wonderful secret sharer, because it’s been over a year since anybody went broke kissing that particular ass, which, again, did not void itself into his pants during that press conference. Nancy Mace faced calls from former staffers to swap electoral politics for desperately needed therapy, but I’m sure she alleviated any concerns by launching into a series of easily disproven lies about her drinking habits. So I guess Tulsi Gabbard is such a threat to national security that even the whistleblower complaints against her are classified at the highest levels. I suppose loyalty isn’t a particularly important quality when your job is undermining your own nation’s elections. Jeff Bezos decided he wanted to be remembered as the free American press’ greatest betrayer, so I bet his mom’s real proud. “My boy became one of the richest people of all time, forcing himself onto history’s stage through sheer will, at which point he revealed himself to all the world as, at his deepest core, a bag of moldy dicks.” Keeping with the subject, Elon Musk’s latest contribution to humanity is an AI chatbot that generates ever more deviant child pornography for his carefully cultivated social media audience of white supremacist megacreeps, and I think Democrats should shut the government down until he’s deported straight to CECOT. The Reich’s Ambassador to Poland decided to jeopardize relations with one of our strongest allies because a single legislator said Trump “does not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.” Future generations will wonder how an entire political party fit up a single rapist’s ass. “They ALL lived up there, Grandpa? The whole time? While he was tanking the economy an’ mocking prayer at the Prayer Breakfast an’ everything?” They sure did, Timmy. But he didn’t shit his pants. Pinky swear. Hey, did everybody who pledged to the Kickstarter get their digital copy of the latest comic book? I’d love to hear what you think! Tell me in the comments, or @john_luzar. Perhaps you were so moved you’d like to buy me a beer? GOOD NEWS: you can, via PayPal, Venmo, or Cash App! Okay, I’m spent. Stay safe out there. Don’t shit your pants. ← Older Shit You Probably Already Forgot About