🎶PACEY GETS THE GRAVY
🎶AND THE DAWSON GETS THE BEANS

Do you ever think, if you have a birthmark removed, you’d miss it?
I have thought this about every mole on my body. Ones I don’t even k ow are there. I can’t even see them. WHAT IF I MISS THEM 🎶

Was ringing out a customer and overheard “well, the early bird gets the worm, but the early worm DIES!”
I will use this to defend being late forever now. Time is a flat circle.

this is disgusting

have some dignity

eat handfuls of shredded cheese over the sink

Is there a support group for people that dog sit and then aren’t allowed to keep the dogs?

This weather is sexist.

Werner Herzog directing a Maybelline ad: Perhaps she is born with it. What a frightful notion, to be imbued with the fetters of capitalist commodification from birth. It suggests God Himself is a part of our dreadful pattern instead of a refuge from it.

“Can you take this picture of me accepting the inevitability of death, please?” #corpsing

“Here’s looking at you, Jesus” I say, as I turn wine into urine

Imagine that you’re Mary, having just given birth to Jesus IN SOME STABLE. Vagina: destroyed. The baby is finally sleeping and some little twerp shows up and starts DRUMMING with full on “check me out I’m a drummer” attitude. Just saying. Little drummer boy is kind of a menace.

… oh

Real and implied species.
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

Are people allowed to casually transfer over their funny tweets from “x?”
Cause I know. They’re old. But I used to be funny. And what if that goes away?

Hear me out; Karaoke Microwave.