The NFL: we are going to give you TWO Monday night football games

Us: will either one be watchable and fun

The NFL: no

It has been a, uh, difficult week but I have not laughed louder and harder at something in a very long time than at this.

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

MENSWEAR GUY: Furthermore, you’ve neglected to even cut the vents of the shockingly poor-fitting sport coat you’ve, for some reason, chosen to wear to breakfast

MAN WHO STILL WEARS A THREADLESS TEE FROM 2003 WITH TWO ANTHROPOMORPHIC HOUSES HUGGING UNDER THE TEXT “HOMIES”: haha get his ass derek

My houseplants watching me pour water in the coffee maker

Greece Is the Word

GOP girl Guilfoyle’s never been mellow, but she’s the one Trump wants as ambassador. If that’s what it takes to get Don Jr. more summer loving, there are worse things he could do.

by Maureen Dowd

Alright Amazon we need to workshop packaging that gets delivered with the mail.

on “Wonderful Christmastime,” Sir Paul McCartney set out to make a timeless christmas classic and also to figure out what every button on his synthesizer did, and he absolutely succeeded at one of those things

meanwhile, just a few blocks away, Samantha had her sights set on a rich CEO as well

of course it's the cop

“No worries if not” -President Yoon Suk Yeol

mugger: How much you got?

me: *looks in my purse and sees two Snickers bars* One Snickers bar.

*Oklahoma’s

The onion buying infowars has me wondering how much the trapt band official website would cost

GO BIRDS 🦅🦅 Our happiness for the next 9 months and your offense is in god’s hands now.