Tim
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timothyenglish2.bsky.social
Tim
@timothyenglish2.bsky.social
66 followers 79 following 170 posts
An engineer in Seattle.
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Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door https://theonion.com/woman-struggles-to-put-down-bags-while-holding-coffee-like-dog-trying-to-fit-stick-through-door/
Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door
December 24, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Reposted by Tim
pixelbark.bsky.social
Id be grumpy too if everywhere I went a bunch of Muppets were singing about how much of a dick I am
December 20, 2025 at 4:04 PM
Reposted by Tim
jackbern.bsky.social
love starting a carol with "god rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay", it's the equivalent of starting a phone call with "okay so it's all fine, DON'T freak out"
December 19, 2025 at 11:38 AM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family https://theonion.com/community-does-jack-shit-to-make-christmas-better-for-towns-second-poorest-family/
Community Does Jack Shit To Make Christmas Better For Town’s Second-Poorest Family
December 19, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Reposted by Tim
governor.ca.gov
This could have been an email.
December 18, 2025 at 2:18 AM
Reposted by Tim
greatesttrek.com
On this month’s BoCo episode, Ben and Adam are joined by Dan McCoy of @flophousepodcast.com to talk all things… The Thing!

Go to maximumfun.org/join/ to listen and to support the show, link in bio!

@maximumfun.org

#greatesttrek #thething #friendsofdesoto #fods
December 17, 2025 at 3:36 PM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’ https://theonion.com/report-electric-guitar-means-this-likely-not-your-mothers-jingle-bells/
Report: Electric Guitar Means This Likely Not Your Mother’s ‘Jingle Bells’
December 16, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Reposted by Tim
bot.cowtools.org
“Well, I guess both Warren and the cat are okay. ... But thank goodness for the Heimlich maneuver!”
“Well, I guess both Warren and the cat are okay. ... But thank goodness for the Heimlich maneuver!”
December 15, 2025 at 5:08 PM
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craigweekend.bsky.social
Ladies and gentlemen... the weekend. (also: you are important and are not alone 🧡)
December 13, 2025 at 12:00 AM
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anybodycanyon.bsky.social
A young Riker looks quickly to his left. He is overwhelmed by the emptiness of a vast canyon. He yells out, “Anybody?!”
December 12, 2025 at 2:24 AM
Reposted by Tim
bot.cowtools.org
“Well, hey … these things just snap right off.”
“Well, hey … these things just snap right off.”
December 10, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays https://theonion.com/lapsed-cult-member-only-attends-sanctum-on-major-bloodl-1819576134/
Lapsed Cult Member Only Attends Sanctum On Major Bloodletting Holidays
December 10, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Reposted by Tim
theoatmeal.bsky.social
Tunashamed
December 8, 2025 at 2:44 AM
Reposted by Tim
craigweekend.bsky.social
Ladies and gentlemen... the weekend. (also: you are important and are not alone 🧡)
December 6, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Japanese Company Unveils Human Washing Machine https://theonion.com/japanese-company-unveils-human-washing-machine/
“Thanks, but my dishwasher already gets me spotless.” Astrid Thackorie, Junior Referee
December 5, 2025 at 8:30 PM
Reposted by Tim
anybodycanyon.bsky.social
December 5, 2025 at 2:56 AM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Family With 2-Hour Layover Sets Up Rough Shantytown At Airport Gate https://theonion.com/family-with-2-hour-layover-sets-up-rough-shantytown-at-1819578487/
Family With 2-Hour Layover Sets Up Rough Shantytown At Airport Gate
December 3, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Reposted by Tim
captmarkkelly.bsky.social
Pete Hegseth says he’s going to court-martial me for saying the same exact thing he said 9 years ago. What changed for Pete? Well to start, he spends all day thinking about how he can suck up to Trump. When Trump says jump, he says how high.
December 3, 2025 at 3:02 AM
Reposted by Tim
lincolnproject.us
"Most energetic President in history" 🔥
December 2, 2025 at 7:47 PM
Reposted by Tim
gingerbearart.bsky.social
The council convenes once more
#deathblart
Comic, Page 1: P1: Outer space, showing several distant planets and a star, focusing on a foreground ringed planet that appears to have oceans and continents with large visibly man-made alterations, including bridges and a central trench of city circling the planet. Narration: "There are 11 billion sentient life forms on this planet. Uncountable artificial intelligences, consciousnesses stored in the core, more arriving every day" P2: A hand touches the top of an alien-looking casket. Narration: "One less, now." P3: The face of an alien person with an expression of grief, with pupil-less eyes, distinctive cheek markings, a metallic hoop around their neck, and a cloak, referred to from now as "MC". P4: Another person appears behind the first, with a floating holographic display of information in front of their face. Other person: "I take it you are aware of the duty the late Vhixyr is trusting to you?" MC: "Yes, I was told long ago." Page 2: P1: MC is pictured silhouetted from behind, standing in front of a far-future city, full of other citizens and glass transport tubes in the sky stretching into the distance. Narration: "Out of over 11 billion, me." P2: (Blank) Narration: "Despite Vhixyr's insistence that I was just the best fit, I always wondered-" P3: MC's foot stepping on a panel. Narration: "I wondered if my dear grandparent harbored some secret resentment," P4: MC standing in front of a doorway, raising a hand to a glowing panel on the wall. Behind the doorway is swirling shapes and light. Narration: "...or if they just thought I was the only one who could forgive them for this life-long burden?" P5: MC walking on a transparent bridge through a void filled with swirling light. Narration: "But really, all that mattered-" P6: (Blank) Narration: "Is that there are five of them. ...of us." Page 3: P1: Two arch-shaped desks with small cylindrical devices with 3 bulbs protruding from them, and a fan-shaped holographic display behind them showing a wave-form. MC: "I wasn't expecting your equipment to look so... ancient?" P2: A zoomed out view of the room, showing MC speaking to a larger smiling alien with an arch-shaped structure on their back, referred to from here as Council 1. Council 1: "For taking vibrations in the air. Ancient traditions, after all." P3: From behind MC, still speaking to Council 1, who is pointing at their own mouth. Council 1: "And I see you've been practicing your oral language!" MC: "No small effort - but we need to be able to speak this way for a full cycle after all." Council 1: "You get used to it." P4: Showing MC now. Council 1: "I trust you have now... viewed it, as well?" MC: "...of course." P5: Zooming out, showing both MC and Council 1, and another person in the back of the room by a large holo display. This person (Council 2) is slim, wearing a dark sleeveless shirt and a large brace over their shoulders. Council 2: "As of now, Earth has reached 89.3% of its sun-cycle." Council 1: "Then we will begin." Page 4: P1: From left to right seated at the desk in front of holo displays, Council 2, Council 1, and a third Council member with a robe and a U-shaped brace framing their head, all with somber expressions. Council 1: "Today we welcome Thonriel, third grandchild of Vhixyr, to the order of T'ddub. Thonriel has the terrible and honorable charge of speaking first today, as our order convenes for audiograph number 0X7B65D. -ahem- So... what did you think?" P2: Thonriel (MC), wearing a grim expression and slamming their hand down on their own desk. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is still a bad movie."
November 27, 2025 at 7:01 PM
Reposted by Tim
bmhughes.bsky.social
This is actually quite brilliant, up to and including the final sentence 🔥
December 1, 2025 at 11:09 AM
Reposted by Tim
craigweekend.bsky.social
Ladies and gentlemen... the weekend. (also: you are important and are not alone 🧡)
November 29, 2025 at 12:00 AM
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karaswisher.bsky.social
Racist
atrupar.com Aaron Rupar @atrupar.com · 27d
TRUMP: If you look at Somalia, they are taking over Minnesota.

REPORTER: What do the Somalians have to do with this Afghan guy who shot the National Guard members?

TRUMP: Ah, nothing. But Somalians have caused a lot of trouble. They're ripping us off.
November 28, 2025 at 12:48 AM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing https://theonion.com/thanksgiving-conversation-devolves-into-just-stating-th-1840069525/
Thanksgiving Conversation Devolves Into Just Stating Things Dog Is Currently Doing
November 27, 2025 at 7:30 PM
Reposted by Tim
theonion.com
Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel
Pentagon Blames Venezuela For Flow Of Drugs Into Kash Patel
WASHINGTON—Calling the national crisis “a complete justification” for additional airstrikes on boats purportedly trafficking narcotics, the Pentagon issued a statement Tuesday blaming Venezuela for th...
theonion.com
November 23, 2025 at 5:00 PM