A reminder of a pretty etymology to brighten the day. The ‘daisy’ takes its name from the Old English ‘dæges ēage’, ‘day’s eye’, because it opens its petals at dawn, and closes them again at dusk.

What’s wrong, babe? You haven’t touched your Eggo-brand alcoholic Appalachian sippin’ cream

when someone unfollows you the app should make the DOORSLAM.WAV from aol instant messenger

Has this been done

Don't ask me to babysit if you don't want me to feed your kid from across the room with a slingshot

every new restaurant in every major city is either called Thistle+Thorn and thinks adding turmeric to brussel sprouts makes them worth $30 or is called Burger Bitch and has a neon sign in the window that says “im gonna fuck a hamburger”

(Grocery store)

Hi little green pepper, I'm taking you home with me!

Would you prefer a slow death in the fridge or would you rather go straight to the composter?

The comic on the first page of my 2025 calendar 😌

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing “Highway to the manger zone.”

The Costco sample lady called spanakopita 'spankopedia' and I'm still disappointed it turned out to be a spinach thing

just wanna retire and go live in some quaint seaside town with my cat where i run a little bookstore that sells magical potions and spells that turn idiots into frogs and maybe help solve a local murder every now and then.

Se7en is a Christmas movie because people talk about the Bible and Brad Pitt gets a present at the end.

(fart)