whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know

Stop making those little AI image generator memes of yourself as a Barbie or a Ghibli character you are enriching evil companies and destroying the planet and this is like one of the easiest things you can just not do

the govt is abducting people and destroying the economy and you’re mad about chappell roan on a podcast

[elmo voice] I'm batman

Oh, you’re an early riser? You think that’s cool? That’s how you get worms

"The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog."
- Glamorizes hustle culture
- Speciest
- Was taught to you in elementary school

"Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow."
- Metal as fuck
- Implies that you are a wizard
- No one will know you are testing out a font

This is literally me, this is literally the person you are insisting should work 40 hours a week

UH OH 🥵HOE👨🏻‍🦳BIDEN🍆HAS DROPPED HIS ASS 🍑OUT⬇️🤤OF THE 2024 ERECTION🥺😱😥🗳️🔥 THE PRESI-DICK🫡🇺🇸IS EXPERIENCING😩😲SOME 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 😏HEALTH ISSUES👨‍⚕️🩺🤒INCLUDING MEM-WHORE-Y LOSS🤔❓CUM-FUSION 😵‍💫🥛😏 AND DIFFICULTY BREATHING 😮‍💨🫁 DUE TO COVID SIDE EFF-UCKS😰🦠😷. VICE BITCH IN CHARGE 👩🏽💋🙏COCK-MALA WHOR-ISS💅👮🏽‍♀️🚔WILL SQUIRT🦪💦IN HIS PL

*my first day as a drug dealer* sorry, I only have Pepsi, is that ok

🎇🇺🇸 RONALD REAGAN FUN FACT: 4TH OF JULY EDITION 🇺🇸🎇
he’s still dead - and nothing would be more patriotic than to wish him a very hot day in hell today!🫡

I don’t normally drink beer, but I think tonight’s a night I drink beer

The border America needs to secure is between church and state.

A weighted blanket isn’t enough I need to spontaneously combust

If you see something (horses), say something ("horses")

hey mike. lemonade hard or hardly lemonade?

Me: hey where did we put that thing?

My Brain (New Jersey Accent): what are you a fuckin cop or something? Get a warrant you're not allowed to ask me that I want my lawyer I know my rights

what if we all stop working