Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
@halfbaked-bean.bsky.social
barbell enthusiast, pharmacological nightmare, certified pedant
I'm having a quintessentially millennial daydream about a worm bin rn
September 4, 2025 at 10:56 PM
I'm having a quintessentially millennial daydream about a worm bin rn
inside every neurotic person there are two wolves: one always telling us we need to go to the ER when we do not, the other always telling us we do not need to go to the ER when we do
July 17, 2025 at 5:32 PM
inside every neurotic person there are two wolves: one always telling us we need to go to the ER when we do not, the other always telling us we do not need to go to the ER when we do
As an atheist, is it cultural appropriation for me to be a Flyleaf fan?
June 23, 2025 at 9:32 PM
As an atheist, is it cultural appropriation for me to be a Flyleaf fan?
if you can't handle me at my sloppiest, u don't deserve me at my droppiest 💃
June 17, 2025 at 2:23 AM
if you can't handle me at my sloppiest, u don't deserve me at my droppiest 💃
I like hokas because I thrive on cyclical instability
June 17, 2025 at 2:06 AM
I like hokas because I thrive on cyclical instability
It is a little known fact that the common idiom "I've got your back" actually originated from the practice of applying sunscreen on your friend whenever they can't reach
April 28, 2025 at 8:47 PM
It is a little known fact that the common idiom "I've got your back" actually originated from the practice of applying sunscreen on your friend whenever they can't reach
"our present consciousness is like a soup of current and immediate past data"
- actual quote from me when I was wayyy too high like 12 years ago
- actual quote from me when I was wayyy too high like 12 years ago
April 23, 2025 at 4:40 PM
"our present consciousness is like a soup of current and immediate past data"
- actual quote from me when I was wayyy too high like 12 years ago
- actual quote from me when I was wayyy too high like 12 years ago
marking the passage of time by the lunar cycles and the refillings of my pill organizers
April 23, 2025 at 4:34 PM
marking the passage of time by the lunar cycles and the refillings of my pill organizers
My favorite compliment I've ever received:
"You have the kind of brain where if there were no tutorials, you would be able to figure it out."
"You have the kind of brain where if there were no tutorials, you would be able to figure it out."
April 23, 2025 at 1:53 AM
My favorite compliment I've ever received:
"You have the kind of brain where if there were no tutorials, you would be able to figure it out."
"You have the kind of brain where if there were no tutorials, you would be able to figure it out."
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
Here at Target, we believe in the importance of staying in step with the evolving external landscape. However, it’s clear that our recent policy changes around DEI have missed the mark. Truthfully, we did not realize you queers had money
April 17, 2025 at 4:48 PM
Here at Target, we believe in the importance of staying in step with the evolving external landscape. However, it’s clear that our recent policy changes around DEI have missed the mark. Truthfully, we did not realize you queers had money
Up until literally twelve months ago I assumed that Shark Tank was a nice little competition show about who could construct the nicest shark aquarium
April 17, 2025 at 11:45 PM
Up until literally twelve months ago I assumed that Shark Tank was a nice little competition show about who could construct the nicest shark aquarium
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling ov...
theonion.com
April 17, 2025 at 4:59 PM
Historians: Quibbling Over Exact Definition Of Concentration Camp Sign Of Healthy Society
My friends look at me with more concern when I tell them I use Afrin to treat a sniffle than they would if I told them I was using hard drugs
April 17, 2025 at 12:33 PM
My friends look at me with more concern when I tell them I use Afrin to treat a sniffle than they would if I told them I was using hard drugs
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
✨ I only eat free-range organic microplastics ✨
April 17, 2025 at 3:18 AM
✨ I only eat free-range organic microplastics ✨
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
What doesn't kill you flares up and tries again
April 16, 2025 at 9:49 PM
What doesn't kill you flares up and tries again
The Mars rover has found a new zone on the planet surface that contains "a diverse array of rocks" and it's adorable how excited NASA is about it
April 17, 2025 at 11:58 AM
The Mars rover has found a new zone on the planet surface that contains "a diverse array of rocks" and it's adorable how excited NASA is about it
[true story]
Psychiatrist: *poised to document my response with a mechanical pencil* if I could prescribe you a magic pill today, what would it do for you? 🧐🤔
Me (immediately): put 40 kilos on my deadlift
Psychiatrist: *puts the mechanical pencil down in defeat* that's... Not what I meant…
Psychiatrist: *poised to document my response with a mechanical pencil* if I could prescribe you a magic pill today, what would it do for you? 🧐🤔
Me (immediately): put 40 kilos on my deadlift
Psychiatrist: *puts the mechanical pencil down in defeat* that's... Not what I meant…
April 13, 2025 at 4:44 AM
[true story]
Psychiatrist: *poised to document my response with a mechanical pencil* if I could prescribe you a magic pill today, what would it do for you? 🧐🤔
Me (immediately): put 40 kilos on my deadlift
Psychiatrist: *puts the mechanical pencil down in defeat* that's... Not what I meant…
Psychiatrist: *poised to document my response with a mechanical pencil* if I could prescribe you a magic pill today, what would it do for you? 🧐🤔
Me (immediately): put 40 kilos on my deadlift
Psychiatrist: *puts the mechanical pencil down in defeat* that's... Not what I meant…
What gym buddy say: "I'm gonna do legs today"
What gym buddy do: arms
What gym buddy do: arms
April 13, 2025 at 12:30 AM
What gym buddy say: "I'm gonna do legs today"
What gym buddy do: arms
What gym buddy do: arms
a rite of passage all my close friends will go through at some point is looking at compilations of yaoi hands with me
April 13, 2025 at 12:29 AM
a rite of passage all my close friends will go through at some point is looking at compilations of yaoi hands with me
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
I kept seeing crappy political memoirs in my library app and they all look exactly like this.
October 24, 2023 at 2:18 PM
I kept seeing crappy political memoirs in my library app and they all look exactly like this.
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
Reposted by Senior Director, Cuddle Optimization & Performance
hillbilly is short for hilliam william. not many people know this
April 11, 2025 at 11:26 PM
hillbilly is short for hilliam william. not many people know this
Bulgarian split squatting in Hokas is like doing ballet on a bosu ball
April 11, 2025 at 6:18 PM
Bulgarian split squatting in Hokas is like doing ballet on a bosu ball
I am suffering from chronic foot in mouth disease 🤢
April 4, 2025 at 9:38 PM
I am suffering from chronic foot in mouth disease 🤢
*washes down Xanax with an espresso shot*
*washes down blood pressure medication with a Red Bull*
April 3, 2025 at 6:02 PM
*washes down Xanax with an espresso shot*