every person in this grocery store has the field awareness of trent richardson

David Bowie's father: hey i have an idea why don't you reinvent yourself as somebody who mows the goddamn lawn

[SPACE COUNCIL]

CHAIRMAN: ...ok we'll call it a supernova. beautiful. next order of business. kevin, did you have a succinct proposal for space-time tunnels?

KEVIN [a fucking freak]: wormhole

Is this the first pope confirmed to have eaten a hot dog?

Your moms email finds me well

If you’re too young to remember 9/11, one of the things about the subsequent 3-4 years if if you lived by The World’s Biggest Fork, people would be like “we need to be careful, that fork could be a target, terrorists hate our fork”

It appears the local population has developed a sort of folk religion centered around the ritual kicking of my ass, specifically. I shall stay on to study this unique culture more closely

It’s a real unearned W for all Gen-Xers that the teens use both “boomer” and “millennial” as shorthand for old people but have completely forgotten about us, the worst generation of them all.

me: well it’s that one time each year where i print a document on the home printer

cyan toner cartridge: oh really

u can get a dui on a horse but u can not get a dui on heelys good luck trying to the horse to wear them however

finally got one of those cars with a tv in the dash but the only show it plays is someone backing over my trash cans

Yoda: marijuana?

Yoda’s girlfriend: oh my god yes! we’re gonna have such an amazing wedding—

Yoda: *long drag* fucked up I have