LOWELL, MA—Doing her best to follow her therapist’s advice for dealing with stressful situations, area woman Holly Debling reportedly reminded herself Tuesday not to catastrophize after she spotted four skeletal horsemen on the horizon. “Okay, Holly, remember: Just because a great trumpet has sounded at the arrival of four unearthly riders, that doesn’t necessarily mean […]

WASHINGTON—Seeking to mollify a segment of their base clamoring for inquiries into the president’s misconduct, House Democrats announced Tuesday that they would be holding the administration accountable by voting on an agricultural bill in which the first letter of every line spells out “Impeach Trump.” “We believe this is a fair compromise that falls short of the full impeachment inquiry some have asked for, but still shows voters who have the correct decoder that Democrats aren’t taking this president’s crimes lying down,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, telling reporters that the bill had been brought to the floor despite objections from Democrats in battleground districts who generally favored a more complex alphabetic cipher that would eventually spell out “Impeach Trump if polling improves,” or, “Impeach Trump at the ballot box.” “When our children look back on this period of history, they will know that the Democratic party served as a check on this corrupt administration by putting forward a bold and straightforward word puzzle proclaiming that this is not who we are as Americans.” At press time, an elated Hoyer confirmed that the House had secured the bill’s passage after tacking on an additional $2.5 million in funding for the president’s border wall.