The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
@themeadhallbard.bsky.social
*DMs Disabled*
#Wülferhamptonian
#JamFirst
Profanagiest
Frustrating Bastard
Ex Vampier
Belligerent malcontent
Tuberdoor
Singest
Rhymist
Storyteller
Lute twanglist
Ye Mercia Beat decomposer
Wilfully obtuse
Murdered at the behest of WülfHelm
#Wülferhamptonian
#JamFirst
Profanagiest
Frustrating Bastard
Ex Vampier
Belligerent malcontent
Tuberdoor
Singest
Rhymist
Storyteller
Lute twanglist
Ye Mercia Beat decomposer
Wilfully obtuse
Murdered at the behest of WülfHelm
Pinned
For Wülferhampton newbies (and those that got so wrecked in the Mead Hall that they can’t remember what happened)
The History of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard.
The History of the Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard.
I am in my local town.
It’s wet, cold, empty and bedecked with damp flags.
When we moved here 40 years ago, it bustled.
Now it’s full of pubs, cafes, nail bars, vape shops, charity shops and empty buildings.
It’s like a scene from blade runner, but not as cheerful.
😬
It’s wet, cold, empty and bedecked with damp flags.
When we moved here 40 years ago, it bustled.
Now it’s full of pubs, cafes, nail bars, vape shops, charity shops and empty buildings.
It’s like a scene from blade runner, but not as cheerful.
😬
November 10, 2025 at 2:32 PM
I am in my local town.
It’s wet, cold, empty and bedecked with damp flags.
When we moved here 40 years ago, it bustled.
Now it’s full of pubs, cafes, nail bars, vape shops, charity shops and empty buildings.
It’s like a scene from blade runner, but not as cheerful.
😬
It’s wet, cold, empty and bedecked with damp flags.
When we moved here 40 years ago, it bustled.
Now it’s full of pubs, cafes, nail bars, vape shops, charity shops and empty buildings.
It’s like a scene from blade runner, but not as cheerful.
😬
If anybody gets one of these, block and report. DON’T ENTER YOUR CREDENTIALS,
November 9, 2025 at 1:40 PM
If anybody gets one of these, block and report. DON’T ENTER YOUR CREDENTIALS,
For those of you who have difficulty following the threads of conversation in Wülferhamptonian (and, let’s face it, Wülferhampton confusing enough) Try these settings in Settings ➡️ Content and Media ➡️ Thread Preferences, if you haven’t already done so.
November 9, 2025 at 11:43 AM
For those of you who have difficulty following the threads of conversation in Wülferhamptonian (and, let’s face it, Wülferhampton confusing enough) Try these settings in Settings ➡️ Content and Media ➡️ Thread Preferences, if you haven’t already done so.
No. YOU drank all the red. You degenerate piss artist.
November 8, 2025 at 6:21 PM
No. YOU drank all the red. You degenerate piss artist.
Reposted by The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
Coincidentally, @wulfhelm.bsky.social often refers to me using this sobriquet.
The most covered song in history, IIRC
🎶 Unchained Twat 🎶
🎶 Unchained Twat 🎶
November 6, 2025 at 11:37 PM
Coincidentally, @wulfhelm.bsky.social often refers to me using this sobriquet.
NEW game!
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You are the Twat.🎶
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You are the Twat.🎶
NEW game!
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You give twat a bad name🎶
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You give twat a bad name🎶
November 6, 2025 at 6:47 PM
NEW game!
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You are the Twat.🎶
Replace any word in a song title with the word twat.
🎶You are the Twat.🎶
This year’s batch of sillypsychotic mushrooms from the Big Scary Woods appear to be top notch.
In my dream, ☺️🥰🍄🍄I danced on a giant daisy, my gown sparkling with starlight. 😍🍁😂A rainbow fish soared overhead, leaving trails of forgotten wishes. Suddenly, a riddle-spouting owl declared, “🤭🥰The key to magic lies in the laughter of lost socks!” I twirled, laughing into the night.🫶🧚♀️
November 6, 2025 at 5:25 PM
This year’s batch of sillypsychotic mushrooms from the Big Scary Woods appear to be top notch.
Fesshole just keeps getting better.
No, you just nicked a sausage from the pan whilst M'Lady B nipped to the loo.
And then you blamed the Attack Womble of Death.
YOU UTTERLY SHAMLESS BASTARD!
And then you blamed the Attack Womble of Death.
YOU UTTERLY SHAMLESS BASTARD!
November 5, 2025 at 9:58 PM
Fesshole just keeps getting better.
There appears to be a great deal of fuckerry going on with the feeds. Unfortunately, beyond my control.
November 5, 2025 at 1:14 PM
There appears to be a great deal of fuckerry going on with the feeds. Unfortunately, beyond my control.
Today. Investigated the contents of a big cardboard box in spare room.
She'd kept every Birthday, Christmas and Valentine card I sent her since we met.
...
I put them away again.
She'd kept every Birthday, Christmas and Valentine card I sent her since we met.
...
I put them away again.
November 4, 2025 at 7:29 PM
Today. Investigated the contents of a big cardboard box in spare room.
She'd kept every Birthday, Christmas and Valentine card I sent her since we met.
...
I put them away again.
She'd kept every Birthday, Christmas and Valentine card I sent her since we met.
...
I put them away again.
Here is the shitting forecast at 19:15 on November 4th.
Wülferhampton. Severe Gale 9 in rising to Storm 10 expected imminently.
Wülferhampton. Severe Gale 9 in rising to Storm 10 expected imminently.
Tonight on the Mead Hall menu (top table only) pork n sausage saffron stew with white beans and shitloads of cabbage.
Lower tables. Spam n spam spam stew with spam and shitloads of spam.
Vegetarian/vegan option. Cabbage pop tarts.
Scraps and scrapings by the leper gate as ever.
Lower tables. Spam n spam spam stew with spam and shitloads of spam.
Vegetarian/vegan option. Cabbage pop tarts.
Scraps and scrapings by the leper gate as ever.
November 4, 2025 at 7:15 PM
Here is the shitting forecast at 19:15 on November 4th.
Wülferhampton. Severe Gale 9 in rising to Storm 10 expected imminently.
Wülferhampton. Severe Gale 9 in rising to Storm 10 expected imminently.
I have severe Motivational Deficit Disorder.
November 3, 2025 at 7:14 PM
I have severe Motivational Deficit Disorder.
Reposted by The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
I do not like green eggs and spam.
I do not like them, you dead prick.
I do not like them, you dead prick.
November 3, 2025 at 12:51 PM
I do not like green eggs and spam.
I do not like them, you dead prick.
I do not like them, you dead prick.
Reposted by The Phantom of the Mead Hall Bard
Checked in on that there X.
Went as well as you might expect.
Went as well as you might expect.
November 2, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Checked in on that there X.
Went as well as you might expect.
Went as well as you might expect.
I have bought a new kettle.
Go me.
*sighs*
Go me.
*sighs*
November 2, 2025 at 3:30 PM
I have bought a new kettle.
Go me.
*sighs*
Go me.
*sighs*
#MeadHallSprouts Update.
Cook has reported that the sprouts are progressing as expected and that the new health and safety regulations have successfully prevented any deaths among the sous serfs (so far).
Cook has reported that the sprouts are progressing as expected and that the new health and safety regulations have successfully prevented any deaths among the sous serfs (so far).
a black and white photo of a fireplace with a pot on the fire
ALT: a black and white photo of a fireplace with a pot on the fire
media.tenor.com
November 1, 2025 at 2:17 AM
#MeadHallSprouts Update.
Cook has reported that the sprouts are progressing as expected and that the new health and safety regulations have successfully prevented any deaths among the sous serfs (so far).
Cook has reported that the sprouts are progressing as expected and that the new health and safety regulations have successfully prevented any deaths among the sous serfs (so far).
That should terrify the trick or treat crew.
October 30, 2025 at 11:48 PM
That should terrify the trick or treat crew.
This is why you have no fucking friends Kevin.
October 29, 2025 at 10:25 PM
This is why you have no fucking friends Kevin.
Typically, the clergy has responded with erotic pulsating root veg. 😲
October 29, 2025 at 3:17 PM
Typically, the clergy has responded with erotic pulsating root veg. 😲
I bugger off for half a day on an errand of mercy and when I get back I find that the Wülferhamptonians have wrecked the place.
Whoo broke it? Eh?
Whoo broke it? Eh?
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October 29, 2025 at 2:50 PM
I bugger off for half a day on an errand of mercy and when I get back I find that the Wülferhamptonians have wrecked the place.
Whoo broke it? Eh?
Whoo broke it? Eh?