Officially off X as of last month and FB/Instagram as of today. Feels good.

Why didn't they just put the photos inside a glass case that only the manager can open

Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*

McDonalds drive-thru employee: what

[you find a mysterious charging port on your body]

oh no

[also it’s not usb-c]

OH NO

meanwhile, just a few blocks away, Samantha had her sights set on a rich CEO as well

🫡

Today my nephew said nothing but "poo poo pants" for 10 hours straight then suddenly came out with "Salamander Hamilton." He'll make a fine poster one day. 🥲

Old classic, new platform.

Lying about a private citizen and making a not-so-veiled threat that he will be executed. (And then deleting the tweet.)

And the person doing it is the richest guy in the world, a major government contractor, who is new besties with the convicted-felon president-elect.

Do I have that right?

God grant me the serenity to accept I am cooked,

The courage to say fuck it we ball,

And the wisdom to know when we are so back

A poem for my last day working at the writing center for the semester (by Joseph Fasano)

there was deviled egg dip at the show’s after party in North Dakota and all I could think was oh miss sugar pink liquor liquor lips I’m gonna be your deviled egg dip

It didn’t used to be that you went online to get mad. You went on the computer because that’s where Strong Bad lives

posting a thirst trap on here is crazy… without the dionysian underbelly of political hatred u basically got your ass out on a shared google drive folder

I feel like this was the greatest celebrity post of all time because you initially want to make fun of it because we’re all irony poisoned jerks but the sheer scale of human compassion overwhelms it and you end up going yes Vincent I also want to help a pig see the stars for the first time

agreed. I have basically been pressured to pretend to be gay on here and do not feel safe disclosing my wretched wife to my adoring public