Me: hey babe I’ve got a surprise for you!
Wife: it better not be that $120 the Office Lego set I told you not to get.
Me: [clicking the last brick into my $119.99 the Office lego set] no it’s something else : )
Wife: it better not be that $120 the Office Lego set I told you not to get.
Me: [clicking the last brick into my $119.99 the Office lego set] no it’s something else : )
November 18, 2024 at 3:15 AM
Me: hey babe I’ve got a surprise for you!
Wife: it better not be that $120 the Office Lego set I told you not to get.
Me: [clicking the last brick into my $119.99 the Office lego set] no it’s something else : )
Wife: it better not be that $120 the Office Lego set I told you not to get.
Me: [clicking the last brick into my $119.99 the Office lego set] no it’s something else : )
Reposted by New Dad Notes
Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences
Me: *waving bubble wand*
well I'm out
Me: *waving bubble wand*
well I'm out
November 17, 2024 at 4:36 PM
Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences
Me: *waving bubble wand*
well I'm out
Me: *waving bubble wand*
well I'm out
Reposted by New Dad Notes
date: i like a guy with self-confidence
me: he sounds nice
me: he sounds nice
November 18, 2024 at 1:54 AM
date: i like a guy with self-confidence
me: he sounds nice
me: he sounds nice
Wife: are you watching the Office again?
Me: yes.
Wife: aren’t you sick of it yet?
Me: never.
Wife: why don’t you want something new?
Me: well when I find something I like I’m all in forever.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you’re talking about me aren’t you?
Me: [looks at the camera].
Me: yes.
Wife: aren’t you sick of it yet?
Me: never.
Wife: why don’t you want something new?
Me: well when I find something I like I’m all in forever.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you’re talking about me aren’t you?
Me: [looks at the camera].
November 17, 2024 at 3:03 AM
Wife: are you watching the Office again?
Me: yes.
Wife: aren’t you sick of it yet?
Me: never.
Wife: why don’t you want something new?
Me: well when I find something I like I’m all in forever.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you’re talking about me aren’t you?
Me: [looks at the camera].
Me: yes.
Wife: aren’t you sick of it yet?
Me: never.
Wife: why don’t you want something new?
Me: well when I find something I like I’m all in forever.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you’re talking about me aren’t you?
Me: [looks at the camera].
Daughter: what are you doing?
Me: doom scrolling social media.
Daughter: why?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: do you like it?
Me: no, it makes me feel bad.
Daughter: why would you do something that makes you feel bad?
My Golf Clubs: hey shut up you’re gonna get us in trouble.
Me: doom scrolling social media.
Daughter: why?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: do you like it?
Me: no, it makes me feel bad.
Daughter: why would you do something that makes you feel bad?
My Golf Clubs: hey shut up you’re gonna get us in trouble.
November 17, 2024 at 1:26 AM
Daughter: what are you doing?
Me: doom scrolling social media.
Daughter: why?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: do you like it?
Me: no, it makes me feel bad.
Daughter: why would you do something that makes you feel bad?
My Golf Clubs: hey shut up you’re gonna get us in trouble.
Me: doom scrolling social media.
Daughter: why?
Me: I don’t know.
Daughter: do you like it?
Me: no, it makes me feel bad.
Daughter: why would you do something that makes you feel bad?
My Golf Clubs: hey shut up you’re gonna get us in trouble.
It’s tough watching Mike Tyson out here living my dream of punching a YouTuber in the face.
November 16, 2024 at 5:02 AM
It’s tough watching Mike Tyson out here living my dream of punching a YouTuber in the face.
We obviously don’t want our kids using bad language so with that in mind My 8yr old daughter is playing in her room and there was a loud noise outside and she just yelled out “what in the hello kitty just happened” lol. my genes are good hands ya’ll.
November 16, 2024 at 1:46 AM
We obviously don’t want our kids using bad language so with that in mind My 8yr old daughter is playing in her room and there was a loud noise outside and she just yelled out “what in the hello kitty just happened” lol. my genes are good hands ya’ll.
A lot of folks coming over here from the Bad Place.
Maybe I’ll start making wholesome content here again just for you : )
Maybe I’ll start making wholesome content here again just for you : )
November 15, 2024 at 11:43 PM
A lot of folks coming over here from the Bad Place.
Maybe I’ll start making wholesome content here again just for you : )
Maybe I’ll start making wholesome content here again just for you : )
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
December 20, 2023 at 8:25 PM
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Daughter: is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: but he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I-I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: no honey.
Daughter: but he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I-I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
July 17, 2023 at 1:58 PM
Daughter: is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: but he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I-I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: no honey.
Daughter: but he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I-I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
July 14, 2023 at 4:42 PM
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Daughter: what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: you’re welcome : )
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: you’re welcome : )
July 11, 2023 at 1:40 PM
Daughter: what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: you’re welcome : )
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: you’re welcome : )
[watching Star Wars]
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
July 10, 2023 at 2:33 AM
[watching Star Wars]
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
Daughter: that was dumb to call it the Death Star.
Me: why?
Daughter: cause it tells the Rebels they need to blow it up.
Me: oh.
Daughter: I’m gonna call mine the Hope Star.
Me: smart lol wait-what?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
July 8, 2023 at 6:16 PM
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Reposted by New Dad Notes
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
July 8, 2023 at 5:31 PM
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Reposted by New Dad Notes
Grapefruit tastes like it’s trying to kill you.
May 7, 2023 at 3:16 AM
Grapefruit tastes like it’s trying to kill you.
Reposted by New Dad Notes
wife: remember to pick him up at 5
me: ok
[later]
me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
me: ok
[later]
me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
July 7, 2023 at 9:35 PM
wife: remember to pick him up at 5
me: ok
[later]
me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
me: ok
[later]
me: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Daughter: my dad said you can date me as long as he gets to follow you.
Boy: no problem, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Bluesky?
Daughter: he doesn’t have social media.
Boy: no problem, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Bluesky?
Daughter: he doesn’t have social media.
July 7, 2023 at 6:59 PM
Daughter: my dad said you can date me as long as he gets to follow you.
Boy: no problem, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Bluesky?
Daughter: he doesn’t have social media.
Boy: no problem, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or Bluesky?
Daughter: he doesn’t have social media.
Reposted by New Dad Notes
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
May 16, 2023 at 6:40 PM
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Reposted by New Dad Notes
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
July 6, 2023 at 7:29 PM
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
Reposted by New Dad Notes
i think after like 4 or 5 monkeys jumping on the bed after i specifically said they shouldn’t i would stop answering my little monkey doctor phone
May 25, 2023 at 2:54 AM
i think after like 4 or 5 monkeys jumping on the bed after i specifically said they shouldn’t i would stop answering my little monkey doctor phone
Reposted by New Dad Notes
Me: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no
John Wick: has anyone seen my pet ant?
Me: OH NO
John Wick: has anyone seen my pet ant?
Me: OH NO
May 25, 2023 at 3:16 PM
Me: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no
John Wick: has anyone seen my pet ant?
Me: OH NO
John Wick: has anyone seen my pet ant?
Me: OH NO
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
July 7, 2023 at 4:19 PM
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.