michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
@michaelswaim.bsky.social
Writer, podcaster, comedian - a real hoopy frood you should sass who knows where his towel's @.
CV: Small Beans | CRACKED | Some More News | IGN | 1900HOTDOG
patreon.com/c/smallbeans
CV: Small Beans | CRACKED | Some More News | IGN | 1900HOTDOG
patreon.com/c/smallbeans
Pinned
This is an ongoing thread of MEDIA, ADVICE, TRUISMS that are actually (usually) true, and AMAZING PROJECTS. Below this tweet are replies that split the thread into each of those four topics. Fully soliciting additions, arguments and jokes! Help me raise my son!
“Ladies and gentlemen, The Lateralizer is capable of turning microplastics into carbon emissions - OR vice-versa - at a rate of 100 cubic cm to 1 cubic meter per second.”
Everyone cheers. It is the least damaging tech invention of the last fifty years. Nobel peace prizes all around.
Everyone cheers. It is the least damaging tech invention of the last fifty years. Nobel peace prizes all around.
January 30, 2026 at 5:53 AM
“Ladies and gentlemen, The Lateralizer is capable of turning microplastics into carbon emissions - OR vice-versa - at a rate of 100 cubic cm to 1 cubic meter per second.”
Everyone cheers. It is the least damaging tech invention of the last fifty years. Nobel peace prizes all around.
Everyone cheers. It is the least damaging tech invention of the last fifty years. Nobel peace prizes all around.
I keep forgetting where I stowed the keys to my Mind Palace, anyone have a technique for this?
January 29, 2026 at 11:03 PM
I keep forgetting where I stowed the keys to my Mind Palace, anyone have a technique for this?
As a rule, I never procrastinate. I amateurcrastinate. It takes way longer.
January 29, 2026 at 11:00 PM
As a rule, I never procrastinate. I amateurcrastinate. It takes way longer.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
"Are you saying 'taunting' or 'tontine?'"
They die clutching their heart, then collapse, hand uncurling to reveal 1/8th of the fabled Key Medallion.
me - "Great, now I'll never know."
They die clutching their heart, then collapse, hand uncurling to reveal 1/8th of the fabled Key Medallion.
me - "Great, now I'll never know."
November 11, 2025 at 5:33 PM
"Are you saying 'taunting' or 'tontine?'"
They die clutching their heart, then collapse, hand uncurling to reveal 1/8th of the fabled Key Medallion.
me - "Great, now I'll never know."
They die clutching their heart, then collapse, hand uncurling to reveal 1/8th of the fabled Key Medallion.
me - "Great, now I'll never know."
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
I used to think there would never be a worse John FetterMan than that crazy dude who went around chaining people to their toilets in the late 80's
I used to a lot of things
I used to a lot of things
November 10, 2025 at 7:13 PM
I used to think there would never be a worse John FetterMan than that crazy dude who went around chaining people to their toilets in the late 80's
I used to a lot of things
I used to a lot of things
I stand by my cycloptic President.
January 28, 2026 at 9:20 PM
I stand by my cycloptic President.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Battlestar watchalong pod is going normal!
November 10, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Battlestar watchalong pod is going normal!
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
PUNISHMENTS FOR KILLING SOMEONE WITH KINDNESS
Death by chocolate
Lethal affection
Beheaded by gleeotine
Hanging for a couple hours, with friends say
Get drawn and a quarter
Have to stand in front of the reloading squad
Have to sit in Alec's trick chair and get a lil' extra-cuted (ie a MAKEOVERRR!)
Death by chocolate
Lethal affection
Beheaded by gleeotine
Hanging for a couple hours, with friends say
Get drawn and a quarter
Have to stand in front of the reloading squad
Have to sit in Alec's trick chair and get a lil' extra-cuted (ie a MAKEOVERRR!)
November 10, 2025 at 4:41 AM
PUNISHMENTS FOR KILLING SOMEONE WITH KINDNESS
Death by chocolate
Lethal affection
Beheaded by gleeotine
Hanging for a couple hours, with friends say
Get drawn and a quarter
Have to stand in front of the reloading squad
Have to sit in Alec's trick chair and get a lil' extra-cuted (ie a MAKEOVERRR!)
Death by chocolate
Lethal affection
Beheaded by gleeotine
Hanging for a couple hours, with friends say
Get drawn and a quarter
Have to stand in front of the reloading squad
Have to sit in Alec's trick chair and get a lil' extra-cuted (ie a MAKEOVERRR!)
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
A little surprised my acting career never went further, considering I'm a total triple threat: I can cry on cue, pretend to get interrupted in the middle of a line believably, and discard those closest to me without remorse.
November 10, 2025 at 4:07 AM
A little surprised my acting career never went further, considering I'm a total triple threat: I can cry on cue, pretend to get interrupted in the middle of a line believably, and discard those closest to me without remorse.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
November 7, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
my favorite color herring is red. or is it??
January 28, 2026 at 12:52 PM
my favorite color herring is red. or is it??
now watching - The Man Who Knew Too Little
for - Frame Rate
for - Frame Rate
January 28, 2026 at 4:41 AM
now watching - The Man Who Knew Too Little
for - Frame Rate
for - Frame Rate
My Mom texts me this every day at 4:20.
January 27, 2026 at 8:55 PM
My Mom texts me this every day at 4:20.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
This administration is cooked. Literally no one is scared of them.
January 25, 2026 at 5:20 PM
This administration is cooked. Literally no one is scared of them.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
If anyone knows of any job openings/opportunities, whether it's art or some administrative office job, please let me know.
I need a modicum of financial stability ASAP
I need a modicum of financial stability ASAP
January 25, 2026 at 11:40 PM
If anyone knows of any job openings/opportunities, whether it's art or some administrative office job, please let me know.
I need a modicum of financial stability ASAP
I need a modicum of financial stability ASAP
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
People keep saying the codenames in Metal Gear Solid sound like Megaman X bosses, so I decided to give them actual designs. Matches the scale of my other X mockups.
Something I've been sitting on for several years that I finally decided to wrap up tonight.
#megaman #pixelart #ドット絵
Something I've been sitting on for several years that I finally decided to wrap up tonight.
#megaman #pixelart #ドット絵
January 25, 2026 at 6:09 PM
Regular reminder that default bsky settings automatically under-serve swears, which are the chemical building blocks of most dick jokes.
January 24, 2026 at 9:12 PM
Regular reminder that default bsky settings automatically under-serve swears, which are the chemical building blocks of most dick jokes.
now watching - The Fisher King
for - Frame Rate
guest - @brockway.bsky.social of @1900hotdog.bsky.social!
for - Frame Rate
guest - @brockway.bsky.social of @1900hotdog.bsky.social!
January 24, 2026 at 5:39 AM
now watching - The Fisher King
for - Frame Rate
guest - @brockway.bsky.social of @1900hotdog.bsky.social!
for - Frame Rate
guest - @brockway.bsky.social of @1900hotdog.bsky.social!
INFERNAL SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD
"Death by Chocolate" better-than-sex Devil's food cake recipe
Charter largely plagiarized from the yo-yo sisterhood
Killed and ate The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for their power
Unshakeable bond of love through the generations
Planning new 9/11
"Death by Chocolate" better-than-sex Devil's food cake recipe
Charter largely plagiarized from the yo-yo sisterhood
Killed and ate The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for their power
Unshakeable bond of love through the generations
Planning new 9/11
January 24, 2026 at 5:12 AM
INFERNAL SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD
"Death by Chocolate" better-than-sex Devil's food cake recipe
Charter largely plagiarized from the yo-yo sisterhood
Killed and ate The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for their power
Unshakeable bond of love through the generations
Planning new 9/11
"Death by Chocolate" better-than-sex Devil's food cake recipe
Charter largely plagiarized from the yo-yo sisterhood
Killed and ate The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for their power
Unshakeable bond of love through the generations
Planning new 9/11
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Just got word I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200 is going into a second printing before launch day. That's amazing news, but the second run probably won't have foil lettering or sprayed edges. If you want the most beautiful version of this book, buy it soon! linktr.ee/killyourimag...
January 23, 2026 at 7:00 PM
Just got word I Will Kill Your Imaginary Friend for $200 is going into a second printing before launch day. That's amazing news, but the second run probably won't have foil lettering or sprayed edges. If you want the most beautiful version of this book, buy it soon! linktr.ee/killyourimag...
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
It’s hard to accurately describe what is happening in Minneapolis without sounding crazy.
Unmarked rental vans all over the city, with people in military gear and no id jumping out of them to take captive anyone who looks nonwhite or who makes political speech they disagree with.
Unmarked rental vans all over the city, with people in military gear and no id jumping out of them to take captive anyone who looks nonwhite or who makes political speech they disagree with.
January 22, 2026 at 2:12 PM
It’s hard to accurately describe what is happening in Minneapolis without sounding crazy.
Unmarked rental vans all over the city, with people in military gear and no id jumping out of them to take captive anyone who looks nonwhite or who makes political speech they disagree with.
Unmarked rental vans all over the city, with people in military gear and no id jumping out of them to take captive anyone who looks nonwhite or who makes political speech they disagree with.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
Poor Yorick. I didn't know him personally but it still hits hard, him being such a famous skull and all.
November 7, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Poor Yorick. I didn't know him personally but it still hits hard, him being such a famous skull and all.
Reposted by michael swaim 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
And lo did mankind beseech unto God, saying ‘we were just complaining, not asking you to fix it.’
- John 3:17
- John 3:17
November 7, 2025 at 3:27 AM
And lo did mankind beseech unto God, saying ‘we were just complaining, not asking you to fix it.’
- John 3:17
- John 3:17