Martin Widlake
@martinwidlake.bsky.social
Retired Oracle performance expert.
President of SYM42.
I love science (especially biology & genetics), cats, beer, and community.
Presenter, blogger, ex Oracle ACE director.
Did I mention I love cats? I currently serve 2 rescued ones.
Failed scientist.
President of SYM42.
I love science (especially biology & genetics), cats, beer, and community.
Presenter, blogger, ex Oracle ACE director.
Did I mention I love cats? I currently serve 2 rescued ones.
Failed scientist.
It's like when companies demand a postcode off me, just to get a quotation or show an interest in something.
You have no need for this information yet, I'll give my full details to ONCE I know I want it.
So don't make it mandatory!
They get the postcode for my local Waitrose store.
You have no need for this information yet, I'll give my full details to ONCE I know I want it.
So don't make it mandatory!
They get the postcode for my local Waitrose store.
November 10, 2025 at 10:03 PM
It's like when companies demand a postcode off me, just to get a quotation or show an interest in something.
You have no need for this information yet, I'll give my full details to ONCE I know I want it.
So don't make it mandatory!
They get the postcode for my local Waitrose store.
You have no need for this information yet, I'll give my full details to ONCE I know I want it.
So don't make it mandatory!
They get the postcode for my local Waitrose store.
Why in hell would paying my water bill (online, using a card I've used for years, all other details have been the same for years) need my mobile phone number? As a mandatory piece of information?
Well, I gave them *A* mobile phone number.
It might just have been the scam one that called me today.
Well, I gave them *A* mobile phone number.
It might just have been the scam one that called me today.
November 10, 2025 at 9:59 PM
Why in hell would paying my water bill (online, using a card I've used for years, all other details have been the same for years) need my mobile phone number? As a mandatory piece of information?
Well, I gave them *A* mobile phone number.
It might just have been the scam one that called me today.
Well, I gave them *A* mobile phone number.
It might just have been the scam one that called me today.
Makes you think maybe kids need teaching more practical stuff 😁
![[Scene is a high school classroom. A teacher is writing on the whiteboard 'ACT 2 SCENE 3'.]
TEACHER:
OK class - open up Macbeth to Act 2 Scene 3...
TEACHER:
So - does anybody have any ideas on Shakespeares meaning behind the character of 'the Porter' in this scene?
[A voice comes from off-scene, behind the teacher's back[.
VOICE:
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
TEACHER [turning round]:
Sorry….. who are you?
[We see a wider scene that shows it is the GHOST OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, hovering over the heads of the startled students]
SHAKESPEARE:
I'm the Ghost of Shakespeare and I've come back to say: this scene means *absolutely nothing*.
The Porter is a funny drunk bloke I lobbed in to cover a costume change!
I mean like, not everything I did was genius OK? Stop giving me the ick.
TEACHER:
So um...what do you suggest we study?
SHAKESPEARE:
The most important text in British culture!
TEACHER:
Which is...?
SHAKESPEARE:
'Bollocks People Say on the Internet.'
TEACHER:
You think we should study... bollocks people say on the internet?
SHAKESPEARE:
Yes.
TEACHER:
But Mr Shakespeare... your Porter scene was a question in a past GCSE paper...
We need to analyse it so the kids don't end up failing their exams...
SHAKESPEARE:
Yes, and I'm just suggesting you should analyse Bollocks People Say on the Internet instead, so they don't end up painting flags on roundabouts.
[Silent pause]
TEACHER:
OK class - open up your phones to X...
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibtvzkb3yqcbhukrxomiex5bcmtrsgbqu7fgx44upb3fgyewmcxbi@jpeg)
October 24, 2025 at 11:25 AM
Makes you think maybe kids need teaching more practical stuff 😁
What's worse is, we have world leaders & governments who are acting like this. And the rest of the kids in the playground say it's not nice and they should not do it, but cower if the bully looks at them.
Rather than, I don't know, ganging up & dragging the bully behind the bike sheds for a lesson.
Rather than, I don't know, ganging up & dragging the bully behind the bike sheds for a lesson.
October 23, 2025 at 9:10 AM
What's worse is, we have world leaders & governments who are acting like this. And the rest of the kids in the playground say it's not nice and they should not do it, but cower if the bully looks at them.
Rather than, I don't know, ganging up & dragging the bully behind the bike sheds for a lesson.
Rather than, I don't know, ganging up & dragging the bully behind the bike sheds for a lesson.
The last box really made me laugh 😄
![1
Nurse:
It’s become a real problem in this area
2
Nurse:
We’ve seen the whole community lost to addiction
3
Show a building sign posted:
Westminster ‘X’ Addiction Clinic
With various Westminster people or looking at their phones outside it
Nurse:
Ministers, Spads, Researchers…
4
Nurse:
Most mornings we’ll get a call about someone acting strangely
[Nurse on phone taking a call]
Ok - we’ll be right over
5
Nurse:
We just have a gentle chat
[Nurses approach a minister –Robert Jenrick? - standing in the Palace of Westminster
Minister:
I understand your concerns…
6
Nurse:
Are you OK love?
Minister:
Yes I’m just hearing legitimate concerns from real voters
7
Nurse:
That’s a robot, a Nazi and a poorly-disguised Russian
[Show that the people he is talking to are precisely these characters]
Nurse 2:
Give us your phone, love
8
Nurse:
At the clinic we put them in a Grass-Touching Pod, with a real voter to talk to
[We see them back at the clinic, holding the minister's head and pushing him into a glass isolation booth with a grass floor. And it is a baffled looking woman, on a chair, ready to talk to him.]
9
Minister:
YOU MUST BE WORRIED ABOUT THE COMING CIVIL WAR
[woman looks baffled]
10
woman:
I just want a bus service
Minister:
LOOK AT MY FLAG
[produces a St George's flag]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreicahofq6s4xow7vowj7dx6odw6ejdwr4kwcmzta7qwi4hg2nvywji@jpeg)
October 20, 2025 at 11:39 AM
The last box really made me laugh 😄
Absolutely this! Not just java devs but everyone who can should use the "Application Info" fields that can be set against an Oracle session. It really aids problem solving and greatly simplfies performance monitoring/improving and has almost zero overhead.
Java devs, please instrument your code 🧠
Have you ever struggled tracing SQL back to the app? Use setClientInfo(...) to add meaningful metadata to your JDBC queries. It makes tracing and perf debugging way easier.
New blog post with real code & tips:
🔗 martincarstenbach.com/2025/10/16/j...
Have you ever struggled tracing SQL back to the app? Use setClientInfo(...) to add meaningful metadata to your JDBC queries. It makes tracing and perf debugging way easier.
New blog post with real code & tips:
🔗 martincarstenbach.com/2025/10/16/j...
Java devs, please instrument your code 🥺
While preparing a talk for Java developers I revisited the topic of code instrumentation. Within the database, for example when writing PL/SQL or MLE/JavaScript code, you would use DBMS_APPLICATION…
martincarstenbach.com
October 16, 2025 at 2:44 PM
Absolutely this! Not just java devs but everyone who can should use the "Application Info" fields that can be set against an Oracle session. It really aids problem solving and greatly simplfies performance monitoring/improving and has almost zero overhead.
One of his best ever!
And, before anyone kicks off, Jane Goodall loved it and had this on her desk, apparently.
And, before anyone kicks off, Jane Goodall loved it and had this on her desk, apparently.
“Well, well—another blonde hair. … Conducting a little more ‘research’ with that Jane Goodall tramp?”
October 16, 2025 at 1:11 PM
One of his best ever!
And, before anyone kicks off, Jane Goodall loved it and had this on her desk, apparently.
And, before anyone kicks off, Jane Goodall loved it and had this on her desk, apparently.
Sometimes you've just had enough of workmen doing stuff that does not work. 3 times I've had people out to fix our external TV aerial, putting up bigger poles with more expensive aerials on it.
Well, I tried a cheap aerial on a crappy stick at my head height. It works! Welcome Back afternoon TV
Well, I tried a cheap aerial on a crappy stick at my head height. It works! Welcome Back afternoon TV
October 14, 2025 at 2:50 PM
Sometimes you've just had enough of workmen doing stuff that does not work. 3 times I've had people out to fix our external TV aerial, putting up bigger poles with more expensive aerials on it.
Well, I tried a cheap aerial on a crappy stick at my head height. It works! Welcome Back afternoon TV
Well, I tried a cheap aerial on a crappy stick at my head height. It works! Welcome Back afternoon TV
Note to self - If the gas hob stops working, don't check if the ceramic plate for spreading flames is properly in place by touching it.
It hurts like fuck!
Swapped to second cylinder, I can continue cooking dinner.
My fingers hurt!
It hurts like fuck!
Swapped to second cylinder, I can continue cooking dinner.
My fingers hurt!
October 13, 2025 at 6:14 PM
Note to self - If the gas hob stops working, don't check if the ceramic plate for spreading flames is properly in place by touching it.
It hurts like fuck!
Swapped to second cylinder, I can continue cooking dinner.
My fingers hurt!
It hurts like fuck!
Swapped to second cylinder, I can continue cooking dinner.
My fingers hurt!
A 4-word horror story specific to the Oracle world:
"Burleson taught me this"
"Burleson taught me this"
In honour of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand.
rm -rf ~/
rm -rf ~/
"The chancellor approved it"
October 13, 2025 at 9:19 AM
A 4-word horror story specific to the Oracle world:
"Burleson taught me this"
"Burleson taught me this"
Hurgh, handling the arrangements for a deceased parent.
7 hours in the car, +1 with the funeral director, +1 with the registrar doing legals, swing by the home to collect personal belongings & chat with staff.
A lovely interlude for lunch with wife & brother.
Long day, but much organised.
7 hours in the car, +1 with the funeral director, +1 with the registrar doing legals, swing by the home to collect personal belongings & chat with staff.
A lovely interlude for lunch with wife & brother.
Long day, but much organised.
October 10, 2025 at 11:28 PM
Hurgh, handling the arrangements for a deceased parent.
7 hours in the car, +1 with the funeral director, +1 with the registrar doing legals, swing by the home to collect personal belongings & chat with staff.
A lovely interlude for lunch with wife & brother.
Long day, but much organised.
7 hours in the car, +1 with the funeral director, +1 with the registrar doing legals, swing by the home to collect personal belongings & chat with staff.
A lovely interlude for lunch with wife & brother.
Long day, but much organised.
I'm sad to see that Jane Goodall has died. She led the way in so many ways - that chimps were tool-users with individual personalities, that women are equal in scientific work, and to understand primates you needed to see them as individuals.
Simply a Legend.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
Simply a Legend.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
Conservationist Dame Jane Doodall dies aged 91
Dr Goodall was a world-leading expert on chimpanzees and a renowned conservationist.
www.bbc.co.uk
October 1, 2025 at 9:59 PM
I'm sad to see that Jane Goodall has died. She led the way in so many ways - that chimps were tool-users with individual personalities, that women are equal in scientific work, and to understand primates you needed to see them as individuals.
Simply a Legend.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
Simply a Legend.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
We are about to see Bill Bailey. I wonder if he will play all this lot or it’s just a tease?
Bonus, a bit of Queen playing as we wait!
Bonus, a bit of Queen playing as we wait!
September 28, 2025 at 7:21 PM
We are about to see Bill Bailey. I wonder if he will play all this lot or it’s just a tease?
Bonus, a bit of Queen playing as we wait!
Bonus, a bit of Queen playing as we wait!
If this treatment for Huntington's disease works out, this is going to be huge for those affected and their families. It’s another example of the legacy of the Human Genome project and the growing field of gene therapy.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
Huntington's disease successfully treated for first time
One of the most devastating diseases finally has a treatment that can slow its progression and transform lives, tearful doctors tell BBC.
www.bbc.co.uk
September 24, 2025 at 3:24 PM
If this treatment for Huntington's disease works out, this is going to be huge for those affected and their families. It’s another example of the legacy of the Human Genome project and the growing field of gene therapy.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...
Now with picture! Origami (well, paper art to be exact but in an origami exhibition) David Bowie for @rfoote.bsky.social
September 24, 2025 at 3:05 PM
Now with picture! Origami (well, paper art to be exact but in an origami exhibition) David Bowie for @rfoote.bsky.social
I’ve now got my own weather station! It’s not ideally placed and I won’t be challenging the U.K. Metrological Society, but I’ll know much it’s actually rained and how strong the wind is.
September 22, 2025 at 4:58 PM
I’ve now got my own weather station! It’s not ideally placed and I won’t be challenging the U.K. Metrological Society, but I’ll know much it’s actually rained and how strong the wind is.
Rosalind was born four years ago today. We fostered her mum, Hera, through giving birth to and raising her kittens. And then adopted both Hera and Rosalind.
Rosalind at 3 days, 7 months, and almost 4 years.
Rosalind at 3 days, 7 months, and almost 4 years.
September 17, 2025 at 3:12 PM
Rosalind was born four years ago today. We fostered her mum, Hera, through giving birth to and raising her kittens. And then adopted both Hera and Rosalind.
Rosalind at 3 days, 7 months, and almost 4 years.
Rosalind at 3 days, 7 months, and almost 4 years.
Pretty much 4 years ago to the hour, I was playing midwife to Hera. She was only one year old and her second litter was on the way!
September 16, 2025 at 10:13 PM
Pretty much 4 years ago to the hour, I was playing midwife to Hera. She was only one year old and her second litter was on the way!
To celebrate the world athletics championships being on, I’ve baked a discus.
Even Hera is unimpressed!
It tasted very nice though (yes, it's a loaf of bread).
Even Hera is unimpressed!
It tasted very nice though (yes, it's a loaf of bread).
September 14, 2025 at 1:18 PM
To celebrate the world athletics championships being on, I’ve baked a discus.
Even Hera is unimpressed!
It tasted very nice though (yes, it's a loaf of bread).
Even Hera is unimpressed!
It tasted very nice though (yes, it's a loaf of bread).
No “blood moon” lunar eclipse for us, a solid bank of slow-moving cloud in the East. To the West, clear skies, so I think people West of the A1 will have an excellent view. Maybe be even just West of the M11
September 7, 2025 at 6:55 PM
No “blood moon” lunar eclipse for us, a solid bank of slow-moving cloud in the East. To the West, clear skies, so I think people West of the A1 will have an excellent view. Maybe be even just West of the M11
I don't think you need to know UK politics (though it helps) but there is something deeply reassuring that, despite changes to government and the recent reshuffle, @number10cat.bsky.social still holds his position.
More cats in control, they make more sense than most politicians!
More cats in control, they make more sense than most politicians!
September 5, 2025 at 9:11 PM
I don't think you need to know UK politics (though it helps) but there is something deeply reassuring that, despite changes to government and the recent reshuffle, @number10cat.bsky.social still holds his position.
More cats in control, they make more sense than most politicians!
More cats in control, they make more sense than most politicians!
This was my introduction to computers, my older brother's Spectrum! Of course, being my older brother he got to commandeer my portable TV and my tape recorder to make his Spectrum work - but was I allowed to touch HIS Spectrum?
Well, when he went out….
What was your first computer experience?
Well, when he went out….
What was your first computer experience?
August 31, 2025 at 8:37 PM
This was my introduction to computers, my older brother's Spectrum! Of course, being my older brother he got to commandeer my portable TV and my tape recorder to make his Spectrum work - but was I allowed to touch HIS Spectrum?
Well, when he went out….
What was your first computer experience?
Well, when he went out….
What was your first computer experience?
Does this given anyone else flashbacks to the early 80's?
August 31, 2025 at 8:26 PM
Does this given anyone else flashbacks to the early 80's?
Since it rained (first proper rain in 2 months) the ground nesting bees have been very active -fighting, mating, excavating burrows.
August 31, 2025 at 2:54 PM
Since it rained (first proper rain in 2 months) the ground nesting bees have been very active -fighting, mating, excavating burrows.