Andy Lauwasser
@alauwasser.bsky.social
I don't tell jokes to make you laugh. I tell them so I don't have to be alone with them.
People keep wishing me "Happy Fat Bear Week" to the point it's starting to hurt my feelings.
September 28, 2025 at 3:00 PM
People keep wishing me "Happy Fat Bear Week" to the point it's starting to hurt my feelings.
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
I’ve had nothing to do with that pedophile since he stole all of my teenage masseuses.
July 29, 2025 at 10:34 PM
I’ve had nothing to do with that pedophile since he stole all of my teenage masseuses.
Fun fact: When I was between jobs, all I did was watch movies and write. Then I got a job with Team Aspect where all I do all day is watch movies and write... Not bad, huh?
10 years have flown by, but I'm still excited to get to go to work every day. How many people get to say that?
10 years have flown by, but I'm still excited to get to go to work every day. How many people get to say that?
April 10, 2025 at 7:12 PM
Fun fact: When I was between jobs, all I did was watch movies and write. Then I got a job with Team Aspect where all I do all day is watch movies and write... Not bad, huh?
10 years have flown by, but I'm still excited to get to go to work every day. How many people get to say that?
10 years have flown by, but I'm still excited to get to go to work every day. How many people get to say that?
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
whenever someone on cbb breaks character to laugh off-mic at something stupid someone said it’s like taking a little +5 hp potion
January 29, 2025 at 12:56 AM
whenever someone on cbb breaks character to laugh off-mic at something stupid someone said it’s like taking a little +5 hp potion
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
Hakuna Matata? Buddy I’m Hakuna Matired.
January 28, 2025 at 6:09 PM
Hakuna Matata? Buddy I’m Hakuna Matired.
I think I’d have more appetite to "Hashtag Resist" for the next 2-4 years if it wasn’t all being led by the same people with the same tactics that didn’t work last time…
January 24, 2025 at 7:19 PM
I think I’d have more appetite to "Hashtag Resist" for the next 2-4 years if it wasn’t all being led by the same people with the same tactics that didn’t work last time…
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
Don't worry, boss. I created a bar chart for the presentation.
January 23, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Don't worry, boss. I created a bar chart for the presentation.
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
I'm always sort of fascinated when someone looks terrible for their age like what have you been up to pal
January 19, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I'm always sort of fascinated when someone looks terrible for their age like what have you been up to pal
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
Don’t make it so obvious that this is your first chariot race. Act like you’ve Ben Hur before.
January 20, 2025 at 12:59 AM
Don’t make it so obvious that this is your first chariot race. Act like you’ve Ben Hur before.
Reposted by Andy Lauwasser
I wake up in an interplanetary zoo enclosure exactly like my apartment—I plop down on the couch. Netflix works. Fridge is stocked.
Finally.
Finally.
January 19, 2025 at 11:37 PM
I wake up in an interplanetary zoo enclosure exactly like my apartment—I plop down on the couch. Netflix works. Fridge is stocked.
Finally.
Finally.
What’s the name of that show where the farmer wants a wife?
January 14, 2025 at 7:17 PM
What’s the name of that show where the farmer wants a wife?
I’m not judging you for watching Deal or No Deal Island. I’m just asking if they really needed to film it on Epstein’s Island?
January 13, 2025 at 6:23 PM
I’m not judging you for watching Deal or No Deal Island. I’m just asking if they really needed to film it on Epstein’s Island?
Anyone in LA know someone who needs an Air Mattress? Hit me up
January 13, 2025 at 2:26 AM
Anyone in LA know someone who needs an Air Mattress? Hit me up
Those little cups of ice cream they'd give us in school with the wooden paddles as spoons. I can feel the wood on my tongue more distinctly than I remember how the ice cream tasted.
what’s your favorite instance of haptic nostalgia—the poignant memory of the physicality of an obsolete thing—like dialing a rotary phone, shifting gears in a manual transmission, opening a soda can with a pull ring?
January 13, 2025 at 2:21 AM
Those little cups of ice cream they'd give us in school with the wooden paddles as spoons. I can feel the wood on my tongue more distinctly than I remember how the ice cream tasted.
One of the joys of living in an area where everything around you in a five mile radius is completely paved is you are at close to zero risk of fires. #UrbanAchiever
January 9, 2025 at 8:48 PM
One of the joys of living in an area where everything around you in a five mile radius is completely paved is you are at close to zero risk of fires. #UrbanAchiever
Anybody else see that kid who tried to get Elsie Fisher to play Truth or Dare at the end of “Eighth Grade” in other stuff and automatically despise him beyond all human comprehension? Just me?
January 6, 2025 at 5:54 PM
Anybody else see that kid who tried to get Elsie Fisher to play Truth or Dare at the end of “Eighth Grade” in other stuff and automatically despise him beyond all human comprehension? Just me?
A-K is the light side of the alphabet. M-Z is the dark side. L is a free-floating radical that bridges both worlds but belongs to neither. I have zero evidence of this, but, if you search your feelings, you know it’s true.
January 2, 2025 at 6:23 PM
A-K is the light side of the alphabet. M-Z is the dark side. L is a free-floating radical that bridges both worlds but belongs to neither. I have zero evidence of this, but, if you search your feelings, you know it’s true.
If I didn't find a way to send you some form of an "I'm not speaking to you again until next year" message yesterday, we're not that close.
January 1, 2025 at 9:06 PM
If I didn't find a way to send you some form of an "I'm not speaking to you again until next year" message yesterday, we're not that close.
Just cause I’m an old acquaintance doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be forgot. It’s fine if I’m never brought to mind.
January 1, 2025 at 6:34 AM
Just cause I’m an old acquaintance doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be forgot. It’s fine if I’m never brought to mind.
“I’m fine. Everyone else must be the problem” is my New Years Rationalization
December 31, 2024 at 5:30 PM
“I’m fine. Everyone else must be the problem” is my New Years Rationalization
Waited a day out of respect before saying “Rest in Peanut”
December 30, 2024 at 5:45 PM
Waited a day out of respect before saying “Rest in Peanut”
Wrapping gifts? You mean that thing where sometimes the scissors glides smoothly through the paper and my brain goes quiet for three whole seconds?
December 24, 2024 at 6:02 PM
Wrapping gifts? You mean that thing where sometimes the scissors glides smoothly through the paper and my brain goes quiet for three whole seconds?
Is she flirting or does her livelihood depend on tips? The eternal dilemma…
December 23, 2024 at 9:46 PM
Is she flirting or does her livelihood depend on tips? The eternal dilemma…