@trumpetalz.bsky.social
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It might surprise you to learn that I really like Valentine's Day.
I love nothing better than walking around with the biggest bouquet of flowers that I can afford and then, when I have everyone's attention, solemnly sellotaping them to a lamppost by a busy junction.
I love nothing better than walking around with the biggest bouquet of flowers that I can afford and then, when I have everyone's attention, solemnly sellotaping them to a lamppost by a busy junction.
February 12, 2025 at 8:42 AM
It might surprise you to learn that I really like Valentine's Day.
I love nothing better than walking around with the biggest bouquet of flowers that I can afford and then, when I have everyone's attention, solemnly sellotaping them to a lamppost by a busy junction.
I love nothing better than walking around with the biggest bouquet of flowers that I can afford and then, when I have everyone's attention, solemnly sellotaping them to a lamppost by a busy junction.
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February 6, 2026 at 6:37 PM
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How did Moses get rid of his burning bush?
He took two tablets.
He took two tablets.
January 7, 2026 at 9:37 PM
How did Moses get rid of his burning bush?
He took two tablets.
He took two tablets.
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All it takes is one bad gig.
December 31, 2025 at 8:48 PM
All it takes is one bad gig.
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Fixed my sister's boiler* so hide your women, lest I impregnate them just by looking at them.
*By Googling the boiler make and the error message and then following the explicit step-by-step instructions the manufacturer had posted for this very common scenario.
*By Googling the boiler make and the error message and then following the explicit step-by-step instructions the manufacturer had posted for this very common scenario.
December 31, 2025 at 5:23 PM
Fixed my sister's boiler* so hide your women, lest I impregnate them just by looking at them.
*By Googling the boiler make and the error message and then following the explicit step-by-step instructions the manufacturer had posted for this very common scenario.
*By Googling the boiler make and the error message and then following the explicit step-by-step instructions the manufacturer had posted for this very common scenario.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat too much and fall asleep half way through it.
December 26, 2025 at 6:08 PM
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat too much and fall asleep half way through it.
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Pizza is a good metaphor for religion. The kind you grew up with is the only real kind and the bastards who like it different from you are all going to hell.
But it's all the same ingredients*.
*Except for those infidels that put the sauce on top. You and your stupid casserole will burn forever.
But it's all the same ingredients*.
*Except for those infidels that put the sauce on top. You and your stupid casserole will burn forever.
December 26, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Pizza is a good metaphor for religion. The kind you grew up with is the only real kind and the bastards who like it different from you are all going to hell.
But it's all the same ingredients*.
*Except for those infidels that put the sauce on top. You and your stupid casserole will burn forever.
But it's all the same ingredients*.
*Except for those infidels that put the sauce on top. You and your stupid casserole will burn forever.
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If the human body is 95% water - a human who has eaten a carrot is 96% snowman.
December 26, 2025 at 8:58 PM
If the human body is 95% water - a human who has eaten a carrot is 96% snowman.
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits.
December 20, 2025 at 8:19 PM
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits.
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I'm too old for the Twelve Pubs of Christmas and it's not just because drinking that amount of alcohol would make me hungover until 2047 (it would). It's because, at the age of 36, if I get a seat in a pub *in December* and you come over and tell me that we have to go somewhere else, it's over.
December 9, 2025 at 5:08 PM
I'm too old for the Twelve Pubs of Christmas and it's not just because drinking that amount of alcohol would make me hungover until 2047 (it would). It's because, at the age of 36, if I get a seat in a pub *in December* and you come over and tell me that we have to go somewhere else, it's over.
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December 4, 2025 at 10:14 PM
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The truth of Hallmark movies
I have a confession, I wander the picturesque small towns of America, killing young married women.
You may think me monstrous but it must be done so there is a bountiful harvest of sexy widowers for busy corporate women to fall in love with in Hallmark movies next year.
I am a cruel necessity.
You may think me monstrous but it must be done so there is a bountiful harvest of sexy widowers for busy corporate women to fall in love with in Hallmark movies next year.
I am a cruel necessity.
December 3, 2025 at 2:09 PM
The truth of Hallmark movies
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"What do I get my partner/husband/father for Christmas? Men are so hard to shop for!"
Drinks. Globe.
Drinks. Globe.
December 1, 2025 at 2:00 PM
"What do I get my partner/husband/father for Christmas? Men are so hard to shop for!"
Drinks. Globe.
Drinks. Globe.
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November 23, 2025 at 7:30 PM
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November 18, 2025 at 5:30 PM
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Hey, UK FRIENDS, looks like GODS OF THE WYRDWOOD, is only 99p on Kindle and probably KOBO too so if DEEPLY WEIRD slowburn forest adventures are your thing jump on that.
www.amazon.co.uk/Gods-Wyrdwoo...
www.amazon.co.uk/Gods-Wyrdwoo...
Amazon.co.uk
www.amazon.co.uk
November 4, 2025 at 10:30 AM
Hey, UK FRIENDS, looks like GODS OF THE WYRDWOOD, is only 99p on Kindle and probably KOBO too so if DEEPLY WEIRD slowburn forest adventures are your thing jump on that.
www.amazon.co.uk/Gods-Wyrdwoo...
www.amazon.co.uk/Gods-Wyrdwoo...
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Heard about the Louvre jewel heist and my first thought was “finally, some good old fashioned normal crime”
October 19, 2025 at 7:54 PM
Heard about the Louvre jewel heist and my first thought was “finally, some good old fashioned normal crime”
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I don't think we appreciated what a landmark this was for representation in cartoons.
As someone who also lives with an angry, vengeful monster where my stomach should be, this was huge.
We Stan an IBS king.
As someone who also lives with an angry, vengeful monster where my stomach should be, this was huge.
We Stan an IBS king.
October 8, 2025 at 1:01 PM
I don't think we appreciated what a landmark this was for representation in cartoons.
As someone who also lives with an angry, vengeful monster where my stomach should be, this was huge.
We Stan an IBS king.
As someone who also lives with an angry, vengeful monster where my stomach should be, this was huge.
We Stan an IBS king.
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Imagine if someone spelled "manoeuvring" right first time. Obviously, never going to happen. But just imagine.
September 11, 2025 at 7:44 AM
Imagine if someone spelled "manoeuvring" right first time. Obviously, never going to happen. But just imagine.
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In fantasy storytelling there is an optimum "description of cool battles to description of delicious feasts" ratio and only one author ever nailed it perfectly.
February 11, 2025 at 10:29 AM
In fantasy storytelling there is an optimum "description of cool battles to description of delicious feasts" ratio and only one author ever nailed it perfectly.
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The nose-hair situation north of 35 is out of control. I look like I have a moderately powerful anime character poking out of each nostril.
August 4, 2025 at 6:27 PM
The nose-hair situation north of 35 is out of control. I look like I have a moderately powerful anime character poking out of each nostril.
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August 1, 2025 at 7:45 PM
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My interview with Nigel Farage
July 21, 2025 at 11:11 AM
My interview with Nigel Farage
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Hear me out here: pangolins are nothing more than the Clangers' warrior caste...
July 4, 2025 at 6:46 PM
Hear me out here: pangolins are nothing more than the Clangers' warrior caste...
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Okay, filmmakers. If you're not going to light night shots properly then you don't get to have them.
You either hire more gaffers and grips or else the entirety of your movie has to take place at the florescent light testing facility at noon.
You either hire more gaffers and grips or else the entirety of your movie has to take place at the florescent light testing facility at noon.
June 14, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Okay, filmmakers. If you're not going to light night shots properly then you don't get to have them.
You either hire more gaffers and grips or else the entirety of your movie has to take place at the florescent light testing facility at noon.
You either hire more gaffers and grips or else the entirety of your movie has to take place at the florescent light testing facility at noon.