this is what being normal looks like 👇
November 16, 2025 at 9:58 PM
this is what being normal looks like 👇
[Dinner]
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
November 7, 2025 at 8:00 PM
[Dinner]
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps
November 1, 2025 at 12:54 AM
would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps
i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
October 30, 2025 at 6:58 PM
i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
We’re Building A Ballroom
October 28, 2025 at 5:51 PM
We’re Building A Ballroom
just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned
October 9, 2025 at 7:48 PM
just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned
now i see why he was so defensive
just saw paul frazee at the supermarket. he was buying white chocolate biscuits and those premade jack & cokes they do now. i asked him what are his plans for blue sky.com and he said its illegal for me to ask him that
October 2, 2025 at 9:53 PM
now i see why he was so defensive
Reposted by puffin
To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.
Jane Goodall, ethologist and conservationist, has died. She was 91
October 1, 2025 at 6:49 PM
To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.
SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
October 1, 2025 at 7:11 PM
SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that
September 19, 2025 at 5:49 PM
bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that
just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.
September 18, 2025 at 7:44 PM
just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.
Reposted by puffin
walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"
September 17, 2025 at 5:36 PM
walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"
oops. just realized the 300 posts I’ve made in the last month that i thought i was putting here on bluesky.com I’ve accidentally been posting on “buttguys.co.nz”.
August 27, 2025 at 7:42 PM
oops. just realized the 300 posts I’ve made in the last month that i thought i was putting here on bluesky.com I’ve accidentally been posting on “buttguys.co.nz”.
Reposted by puffin
i challenge you to do worse. Let's make the world worse
July 10, 2025 at 12:57 PM
i challenge you to do worse. Let's make the world worse
… Listen. I’m sorry I asked your mother “what was it like when you killed Gandalf the grey”. She wasn’t supposed to get what I was implying.
My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray.
Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t
My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray.
Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t
July 2, 2025 at 7:21 PM
… Listen. I’m sorry I asked your mother “what was it like when you killed Gandalf the grey”. She wasn’t supposed to get what I was implying.
My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray.
Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t
My wife: (arms crossed) She owns all three extended cuts. On Blu-Ray.
Me: And I feel like it’s an honest mistake on my part that I assumed that she didn’t
Reposted by puffin
VILLAGER A: Lovely day today!
VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!
VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.
VILLAGER D: I'm busy.
VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.
VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.
VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!
VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.
VILLAGER D: I'm busy.
VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.
VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.
September 24, 2023 at 1:29 AM
VILLAGER A: Lovely day today!
VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!
VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.
VILLAGER D: I'm busy.
VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.
VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.
VILLAGER B: La la! I'm going to school!
VILLAGER C: My mother isn't back yet. I hope she hasn't gone into the Snails' Den.
VILLAGER D: I'm busy.
VILLAGER E: This town hasn't been the same since the Empire invaded.
VILLAGER F: You can sneak past snails by holding 🅑.
this came to me in a dream.
June 6, 2025 at 1:11 AM
this came to me in a dream.
MY FAVORITE COUSIN, JIM: I do.
PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live?
THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do.
ME: (staring at the floor
PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live?
THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do.
ME: (staring at the floor
June 4, 2025 at 8:58 PM
MY FAVORITE COUSIN, JIM: I do.
PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live?
THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do.
ME: (staring at the floor
PASTOR: And do you, Mary, take James as your lawful husband? Long as you both shall live?
THE WOMAN WHO KNOWS I LIED ABOUT HAVING LONG COVID TO GET OUT OF SEEING HER IMPROV SHOW IN 2022 AND BRINGS IT UP EVERY TIME I SEE HER, MARY: I do.
ME: (staring at the floor
Reposted by puffin
Billy Crystal is going to die tomorrow
May 20, 2025 at 9:29 PM
Billy Crystal is going to die tomorrow
JIM: Globs for $200, please.
KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice.
JIM: What is The Goop?
KEN: No!
ZOEY: What is The Slime?
KEN: No.
DAVE: What is The Muck?
KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board.
JIM: Globs for 400,
KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice.
JIM: What is The Goop?
KEN: No!
ZOEY: What is The Slime?
KEN: No.
DAVE: What is The Muck?
KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board.
JIM: Globs for 400,
May 20, 2025 at 11:05 PM
JIM: Globs for $200, please.
KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice.
JIM: What is The Goop?
KEN: No!
ZOEY: What is The Slime?
KEN: No.
DAVE: What is The Muck?
KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board.
JIM: Globs for 400,
KEN JENNINGS: Beware of this dangerous red ooze, which has been depicted on film twice.
JIM: What is The Goop?
KEN: No!
ZOEY: What is The Slime?
KEN: No.
DAVE: What is The Muck?
KEN: Beware of *The Blob*. The Blob. Jim, you’ve still got the board.
JIM: Globs for 400,
your 20s are about finding yourself. your 30s are about doing coke a little less. your 40s are finally finding a good barber. your 50s are about taking a surf lesson. your 60s & 70s are talking about how old you are in womens mentions on bluesky. And your 80s are about making Gladiator 2.
May 16, 2025 at 10:29 PM
your 20s are about finding yourself. your 30s are about doing coke a little less. your 40s are finally finding a good barber. your 50s are about taking a surf lesson. your 60s & 70s are talking about how old you are in womens mentions on bluesky. And your 80s are about making Gladiator 2.
Me: I’m at a loss. My marriage is a quilt of lies and my son mocks my transatlantic accent at every impasse… Open the Doordash and deliver me three pints of bourbon, neat.
Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents.
Me: You silly little robut
Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents.
Me: You silly little robut
May 7, 2025 at 7:08 PM
Me: I’m at a loss. My marriage is a quilt of lies and my son mocks my transatlantic accent at every impasse… Open the Doordash and deliver me three pints of bourbon, neat.
Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents.
Me: You silly little robut
Chat gpt: I’m sorry. Mr. Altman prevents me from assisting individuals with Transatlantic accents.
Me: You silly little robut
Reposted by puffin
Hemingway: (incoherently drunk, solemnly handing me a crumpled bar napkin with the world's saddest 6 word story scribbled on it, desperately seeking some sort of connection, even with a stranger in a bar)
Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This
Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This
May 7, 2025 at 2:37 AM
Hemingway: (incoherently drunk, solemnly handing me a crumpled bar napkin with the world's saddest 6 word story scribbled on it, desperately seeking some sort of connection, even with a stranger in a bar)
Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This
Me: (illiterate, gesturing vaguely) I Love This