Reposted by puffin
Asking the guy at Burger King what his favorite thing on the menu is and then saying “ew!” and ordering something else
January 19, 2026 at 6:09 PM
Asking the guy at Burger King what his favorite thing on the menu is and then saying “ew!” and ordering something else
theres a certain kind of woman who loves being the “what floor?” delegate on elevators. and over the past week, she has grown to support full-body vasectomies for ice agents
January 14, 2026 at 8:01 PM
theres a certain kind of woman who loves being the “what floor?” delegate on elevators. and over the past week, she has grown to support full-body vasectomies for ice agents
chaos in the household. my son is trying meditation this year but he keeps shouting “it’s not working”. my wife’s book club got ruined by termites. and my wife’s mother, who is here after her condo fell in a sinkhole, is on facebook all day watching ai videos of golden retrievers bombing venezuela.
January 5, 2026 at 7:14 PM
chaos in the household. my son is trying meditation this year but he keeps shouting “it’s not working”. my wife’s book club got ruined by termites. and my wife’s mother, who is here after her condo fell in a sinkhole, is on facebook all day watching ai videos of golden retrievers bombing venezuela.
Reposted by puffin
truly one of the geniuses of posting
December 30, 2025 at 2:25 PM
truly one of the geniuses of posting
wise people vs discourse about the pencil guy
December 27, 2025 at 7:06 PM
wise people vs discourse about the pencil guy
i actually think bari weiss isn’t front-facing enough. they should put her on all of cbs, not just the news . have her sideline report on chargers games. stephen colberts new sidekick. hero cop who survives a yacht explosion on ncis: hawaii. the people want more bari.
December 16, 2025 at 7:34 PM
i actually think bari weiss isn’t front-facing enough. they should put her on all of cbs, not just the news . have her sideline report on chargers games. stephen colberts new sidekick. hero cop who survives a yacht explosion on ncis: hawaii. the people want more bari.
anyone who doesnt use copilot, gemini, chatspt, x the everything app, and the promo code i have in my bio for pumpkin spice flavored sildenafil that gives us both $8 back is my sworn enemy.
December 4, 2025 at 5:51 PM
anyone who doesnt use copilot, gemini, chatspt, x the everything app, and the promo code i have in my bio for pumpkin spice flavored sildenafil that gives us both $8 back is my sworn enemy.
ME: Hey Chief! Check this out! (balancing a pen on my nose)
POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case?
ME: We found her but shes straight now
POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case?
ME: We found her but shes straight now
December 1, 2025 at 8:04 PM
ME: Hey Chief! Check this out! (balancing a pen on my nose)
POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case?
ME: We found her but shes straight now
POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case?
ME: We found her but shes straight now
sending the worst person you know jpeg to my son when he texts me he wants a hamster for christmas
November 26, 2025 at 8:41 PM
sending the worst person you know jpeg to my son when he texts me he wants a hamster for christmas
Reposted by puffin
ME: damn. they fucked his shit up.
OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
November 25, 2025 at 3:06 AM
ME: damn. they fucked his shit up.
OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
had a wonderful vision: sitting patiently at the dentist’s office while Sunbather plays in its entirety over the 60kbps waiting room speakers
November 23, 2025 at 7:41 PM
had a wonderful vision: sitting patiently at the dentist’s office while Sunbather plays in its entirety over the 60kbps waiting room speakers
imagining rfk playing the lead in stephen sondheim’s “company”
November 20, 2025 at 7:35 PM
imagining rfk playing the lead in stephen sondheim’s “company”
this is what being normal looks like 👇
November 16, 2025 at 9:58 PM
this is what being normal looks like 👇
[Dinner]
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
November 7, 2025 at 8:00 PM
[Dinner]
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
MY WIFE: Oh, do your Trump impression!
ME: No, no
JOHN: He does a Trump?!
STACY: Let’s hear it!
JIM: Do it!
SARAH: Come on!
ME: Oh, alright... (thick brooklyn accent) Chiina! We’re going to Chiina! And we’re going to make Billions !
MY WIFE: (cracking up)
JOHN, STACY, JIM, SARAH: … Haha
would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps
November 1, 2025 at 12:54 AM
would love to see the mri brain scans of cuomo voters projected in 70mm imax. a dazzling constellation of immolating lobes and irradiated neurons convulsing in electric swamps
i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
October 30, 2025 at 6:58 PM
i hate it when the doctor hits me with a hammer because it’s always the wrong bone that springs up !
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
(i hit send post & sigh. enter the garage. car’s already running. as the exhaust purrs, one last thought comes to me. i pull out my phone)
julia child draftkings ad
(I smile, and pass away.
We’re Building A Ballroom
October 28, 2025 at 5:51 PM
We’re Building A Ballroom
just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned
October 9, 2025 at 7:48 PM
just got the saab washed, waxed, and leather conditioned
now i see why he was so defensive
just saw paul frazee at the supermarket. he was buying white chocolate biscuits and those premade jack & cokes they do now. i asked him what are his plans for blue sky.com and he said its illegal for me to ask him that
October 2, 2025 at 9:53 PM
now i see why he was so defensive
Reposted by puffin
To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.
Jane Goodall, ethologist and conservationist, has died. She was 91
October 1, 2025 at 6:49 PM
To my friend Jane Goodall. Rest now sister. We have the watch and I'll see you in Valhalla.
SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
October 1, 2025 at 7:11 PM
SHUG TRONKER: (fastening cross necklace, chomping cigar, pumping shotgun) Let’s hunt some motherfucking vampires.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
ME: Just a second, Shug. (bending to tie my shoes) … (mumbling) The rabbit goes under the woods and then… Over… Grandma’s house…?…
SHUG: ... Do you need help?
ME: I’ve got this, Shug.
bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that
September 19, 2025 at 5:49 PM
bugs bunny in drag seducing seal team 6 and they all start shooting each other trying to get a piece of that
just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.
September 18, 2025 at 7:44 PM
just reached out to Mr. Kimmel. i expressed my deep sympathy and offered to let him post on my Bluesky account at least once a month until he lands on his feet. it’s important he still has a platform to speak out.
Reposted by puffin
walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"
September 17, 2025 at 5:36 PM
walking into a dark room where everyone i love jumps out with noisemakers and confetti and unfurls a banner reading "INTELLECTUALLY INCAPABLE OF STANDING TRIAL"