I can't even pour one jar of mayonnaise into my toaster before it stops working. That's called "planned obsolescence"

Carefully observe horse-type beasts for signs of aberrant behaviour.

my beautiful smooth brain is sometimes tormented by thoughts of the world

crunching my way through high society. these delicate pastries ain't got nothing on my practical chompers

Here's the crux of the gist: we're on the cusp of a brink

transported mine apprentice to the highest peak and bid him return by dawn - he wailed most ferociously. alas! not one soul is willing to toil this age

I know it’s been said many times, many ways, but UV rays have gradually deteriorated the rubber gasket around the stink pipe going through your roof

New year new me, so please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

Hard to imagine that legends and fables haven’t been embellished somewhat as they’ve been passed down from generation to generation. For instance: the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra, famously slain by Hercules as one of his “Twelve Labors,” may have only had eight

People shouldn't be having gunfights at high noon. They should be eating lunch

It is known that covering your skin with holy texts will conceal you from ghosts; this is because the dead's own realm is built of sacred words, and your body can be camouflaged against that gauzy, golden backdrop

holding my nightcap firmly in place i lean over to blow out the candle, snuggle into the sheets, and switch the trash compactor from CARESS to EVISCERATE

Covertly injecting instant gravy powder into my nemesis' cement truck to confound and bebother his schemes