[coworker asks me what my plans are this weekend]

me: am i being detained?

Have I seen Sinners? I mean, every day I log on here and read all of your posts.

y’all told me i was crazy when i downloaded all of tiktok and put it on blu-rays but who’s laughing now

me: you dim sum, you lose some

waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man

daily walks into the winter

ME: (fumbling through order) Hola! Un…cafe latte…sin…azúcar, por favor?
BARISTA: Uh-huh. And what size?
ME: (internally) I put up with that goddamn green owl for weeks…

[frantically dialing the Dad Joke Hall of Fame]

hi