I am the median Built-Ford-Tough American male. I have seen every Taylor Sheridan television show hundreds of times. I make my own deer jerky and have mastered every trade. My favorite movie is Wes Anderson’s Bottle Rocket. My second favorite is Rushmore because of the O.R. scrubs joke.

I have discovered an audio recording of a phone call in which Billy Bob Thornton, in crystal clarity from the bottom of a well in the Permian Basin, orders a hit on Luke Wilson.

Congratulations to TIME Magazine’s 2025 Person of the Year: guys who make a lot of cellular phone calls in the middle of fucking nowhere.

Mark Kelly, my close & personal friend.

“Grimes DJing Immortality Influencer’s Shroom Trip With Special Guest Mr. Beast,” I say, repeatedly, as my levitating body takes on a bile-green glow, pulsating, shrinking with each strobe, until finally I am devoured by impossibly bright light, gone, then re-emerge as a tidy vomit cube.

The werewolf gooned and died.

I’m the guy on Andrew Cuomo’s campaign staff who was tasked with securing the Jared Fogle endorsement. If Mamdani wins, I am sorry to the world for my failure.

Carson Cistulli is one win away from a World Series ring.

Nefarious actors are behind the band Geese.

“left leaning Republicans”

It must rule to write opinions in a newspaper color-coded for babies.

This kid is 15, and so has a moral clarity and uprightness that no adult elected official would or could ever have. There aren't really and never have been two sides of this issue, but if it has to be argued as a binary thing I don't see how anything less than this could seem like the side to be on.

Nicole Kidman’s last name should just be Boy.

“I like to watch things on TV.” - Lou Reed

Methuselah must have spent, at minimum, 859 of his living years desperately seeking death.

Overtime in college football should involve more riddles, IMO.