Matt Crowley
@matthewcrowley.bsky.social
Comedy type person | Former staff writer for The Onion
Reposted by Matt Crowley
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
May 16, 2023 at 10:51 PM
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
We’re so cooked as a society…
December 23, 2025 at 1:11 AM
We’re so cooked as a society…
Bummer that @knottsberryfarm.bsky.social clearly got rid of a bunch of scare actors at Knotts Scary Farm. Cutbacks hobbling an institution. Might not be back next year.
October 3, 2025 at 2:38 AM
Bummer that @knottsberryfarm.bsky.social clearly got rid of a bunch of scare actors at Knotts Scary Farm. Cutbacks hobbling an institution. Might not be back next year.
Reposted by Matt Crowley
these rich guys getting public pay bumps and bonuses -- one of them is about to have as much wealth as 59% of the rest of Americans combined -- if i was one of these guys i'd probably be like "okay, okay we gotta ease up, this is going to be extremely unpopular and dangerous"
September 19, 2025 at 9:27 PM
these rich guys getting public pay bumps and bonuses -- one of them is about to have as much wealth as 59% of the rest of Americans combined -- if i was one of these guys i'd probably be like "okay, okay we gotta ease up, this is going to be extremely unpopular and dangerous"
Reposted by Matt Crowley
Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air
theonion.com/trump-c...
theonion.com/trump-c...
February 18, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Trump Cutbacks Force FAA To Unplug Giant Magnet That Keeps Planes In Air
theonion.com/trump-c...
theonion.com/trump-c...
At your office, you have a normal break room. But on Severance, their break room is fucked up and scary. At your office, when you “look at the numbers,” they’re normal. But on Severance, their numbers are fucked up and scary. Best show on TV!
February 9, 2025 at 6:11 PM
At your office, you have a normal break room. But on Severance, their break room is fucked up and scary. At your office, when you “look at the numbers,” they’re normal. But on Severance, their numbers are fucked up and scary. Best show on TV!
Devil: Welcome to Hell!
Me: Well it’s nice that they’re making me feel welcome here at least.
Me: Well it’s nice that they’re making me feel welcome here at least.
February 6, 2025 at 11:34 PM
Devil: Welcome to Hell!
Me: Well it’s nice that they’re making me feel welcome here at least.
Me: Well it’s nice that they’re making me feel welcome here at least.
Reposted by Matt Crowley
The first Senators to actually do anything about the Trump admin
NEW - Ottawa Senators fans booed the American national anthem at the beginning of tonight’s hockey game.
February 2, 2025 at 1:07 AM
The first Senators to actually do anything about the Trump admin
Reposted by Matt Crowley
Is there a word for when a bunch of private citizens following orders from an unelected billionaire occupy government buildings and cut off communications
January 31, 2025 at 10:17 PM
Is there a word for when a bunch of private citizens following orders from an unelected billionaire occupy government buildings and cut off communications
Reposted by Matt Crowley
i think it is important to say that the open and explicit racism of the president and the vice president isn’t just uncouth or “controversial” but a direct attack on tens of millions of americans and a dereliction of their duty to represent the entire country
January 30, 2025 at 9:09 PM
i think it is important to say that the open and explicit racism of the president and the vice president isn’t just uncouth or “controversial” but a direct attack on tens of millions of americans and a dereliction of their duty to represent the entire country
Genuinely what is the over under on RFK Jr having murdered someone?
January 29, 2025 at 9:59 PM
Genuinely what is the over under on RFK Jr having murdered someone?
I don’t like gallows humor because if you ask me the gallows are actually sad and depressing, not very funny.
January 28, 2025 at 12:57 AM
I don’t like gallows humor because if you ask me the gallows are actually sad and depressing, not very funny.
Reposted by Matt Crowley
the thing about the meaning of the birthright citizenship clause in the constitution is that just because you can *imagine* a world where there *might have been* a debate over its scope doesn't mean there was *actually* a debate over its scope
January 24, 2025 at 3:20 AM
the thing about the meaning of the birthright citizenship clause in the constitution is that just because you can *imagine* a world where there *might have been* a debate over its scope doesn't mean there was *actually* a debate over its scope
Starting on BlueSky after deleting Twitter is like packing it all up and moving to a different country where no one’s heard your shitty jokes.
January 23, 2025 at 7:44 PM
Starting on BlueSky after deleting Twitter is like packing it all up and moving to a different country where no one’s heard your shitty jokes.
Reposted by Matt Crowley
Anti-semitism will not be tolerated in any form. Except for the most famous form of all time. That one is probably a coincidence
January 23, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Anti-semitism will not be tolerated in any form. Except for the most famous form of all time. That one is probably a coincidence
If I was a cannibal I wouldn’t be all pretentious about it
January 23, 2025 at 2:14 AM
If I was a cannibal I wouldn’t be all pretentious about it
When someone tells me they don’t watch movies I just assume they spend 2 - 4 hours per day stating at a blank wall instead
January 19, 2025 at 3:24 AM
When someone tells me they don’t watch movies I just assume they spend 2 - 4 hours per day stating at a blank wall instead
Bummer that the world is ending
January 9, 2025 at 8:43 AM
Bummer that the world is ending
Reposted by Matt Crowley
It is remarkable that there are still people who believe that the reason hundreds of thousands of people have nowhere to live is that we haven’t made having nowhere to live unpleasant enough.
December 27, 2024 at 4:58 PM
It is remarkable that there are still people who believe that the reason hundreds of thousands of people have nowhere to live is that we haven’t made having nowhere to live unpleasant enough.
So I Married An Axe Murderer is better than Wayne’s World fight me
November 28, 2024 at 5:33 PM
So I Married An Axe Murderer is better than Wayne’s World fight me
Reposted by Matt Crowley
I know it sucks because we’re living through it but it is scientifically interesting to see a billionaire devote all his money and thousands of employees and the entire governmental power of the United States to make his posts good and still not manage to do it
November 26, 2024 at 7:14 PM
I know it sucks because we’re living through it but it is scientifically interesting to see a billionaire devote all his money and thousands of employees and the entire governmental power of the United States to make his posts good and still not manage to do it
My thing on BlueSky is going to be “not having any good posts.”
November 26, 2024 at 4:47 AM
My thing on BlueSky is going to be “not having any good posts.”
I never have time to relax, I’m too busy procrastinating.
November 24, 2024 at 12:31 AM
I never have time to relax, I’m too busy procrastinating.
Reposted by Matt Crowley
Lightning McQueen: I can’t move! My driver is dead!
(his door swings open. A very old man is handcuffed to the steering wheel)
Mater: Don’t ya fret, Lightning! We’ll hunt down a new driver for you in the Human Lands
(his door swings open. A very old man is handcuffed to the steering wheel)
Mater: Don’t ya fret, Lightning! We’ll hunt down a new driver for you in the Human Lands
November 18, 2024 at 7:08 PM
Lightning McQueen: I can’t move! My driver is dead!
(his door swings open. A very old man is handcuffed to the steering wheel)
Mater: Don’t ya fret, Lightning! We’ll hunt down a new driver for you in the Human Lands
(his door swings open. A very old man is handcuffed to the steering wheel)
Mater: Don’t ya fret, Lightning! We’ll hunt down a new driver for you in the Human Lands
I’m not too worried about another holocaust happening here. For one thing, our rail infrastructure is too shitty for cattle cars.
November 18, 2024 at 6:13 PM
I’m not too worried about another holocaust happening here. For one thing, our rail infrastructure is too shitty for cattle cars.