Alex Blechman
@alexblechman.bsky.social
Writer, game designer
Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places
alexanderblechman.com
Former Staff Writer @TheOnion & @ClickHole.
Words for Netflix, Jackbox Games, High On Life, Starship Troopers: Terran Command, Saints Row, Kraft Heinz, Darkhorse, Team Coco, other places
alexanderblechman.com
Pinned
Alex Blechman
@alexblechman.bsky.social
· May 16
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
Forging 100 Nobel Prizes into the ultimate weapon, The Sword of Peace
January 22, 2026 at 2:53 AM
Forging 100 Nobel Prizes into the ultimate weapon, The Sword of Peace
I hate when I’m riding a bus on a dark moonless highway and all the passengers gradually figure out we died and are trapped in purgatory
January 20, 2026 at 4:08 PM
I hate when I’m riding a bus on a dark moonless highway and all the passengers gradually figure out we died and are trapped in purgatory
Reposted by Alex Blechman
If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter
January 15, 2026 at 5:00 AM
If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter
Reposted by Alex Blechman
Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti
December 22, 2025 at 2:32 PM
Welcome to 60 Minutes. Our top story tonight is Snakes: Nature’s Spaghetti
Early Dilbert comics were funny but also harmful to society because they turned us against the noble cubicle. Cubicles were civilization’s apex - a cloth box for everyone, millennia of progress ending in a private paradise cube - but Dilbert made them uncool and we’ve paid the price ever since
January 17, 2026 at 10:07 PM
Early Dilbert comics were funny but also harmful to society because they turned us against the noble cubicle. Cubicles were civilization’s apex - a cloth box for everyone, millennia of progress ending in a private paradise cube - but Dilbert made them uncool and we’ve paid the price ever since
As screenwriter of the Labubu movie I want to clear up some misconceptions. Yes, technically they do eat human flesh, but only necrotic tissue around wounds. Doctors use them to clean up injuries and promote positive health outcomes. Labubus are humanity’s allies, except for evil Labubus of course
January 17, 2026 at 6:48 PM
As screenwriter of the Labubu movie I want to clear up some misconceptions. Yes, technically they do eat human flesh, but only necrotic tissue around wounds. Doctors use them to clean up injuries and promote positive health outcomes. Labubus are humanity’s allies, except for evil Labubus of course
This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate
January 17, 2026 at 5:17 PM
This would be a bad time for a 1,000 foot tall alien named The Adjudicator to appear floating in the sky and proclaim he has come to judge humanity. I hope any cosmic entities wait a few years before deciding Earth’s fate
I take it as a personal insult that I’m joking about price inflation online. In a normal world the only people who would know what inflation is are economists and jeopardy contestants
January 16, 2026 at 12:32 AM
I take it as a personal insult that I’m joking about price inflation online. In a normal world the only people who would know what inflation is are economists and jeopardy contestants
All food is getting more expensive except bananas, which are instead getting more spiders. Becoming encrusted with webs is banana inflation. When apples are $10 each bananas will still be 17 cents but entirely mummified
January 16, 2026 at 12:28 AM
All food is getting more expensive except bananas, which are instead getting more spiders. Becoming encrusted with webs is banana inflation. When apples are $10 each bananas will still be 17 cents but entirely mummified
The reason fingers work on touchscreens but not inanimate objects is the phone is powered by consuming a tiny piece of your soul
January 15, 2026 at 11:32 PM
The reason fingers work on touchscreens but not inanimate objects is the phone is powered by consuming a tiny piece of your soul
Me: Ugh, I don’t know why I look at my phone just to view horrible depressing news
*I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*
*I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*
January 15, 2026 at 5:18 PM
Me: Ugh, I don’t know why I look at my phone just to view horrible depressing news
*I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*
*I open a browser and type en.wikipedia .org/wiki/skeletor*
If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter
January 15, 2026 at 5:00 AM
If you’re stressed out and don’t know what to do, grab a shovel. Dig a hole in your backyard. Tunnel deep, deeper, into the dark earth with a manic hunger to descend. Feel a sharp pain and notice tiny roots sprouting from your stomach, dormant DNA from an ancient epoch awakening to find safe shelter
Not only are food prices going up and portions shrinking, produce quality is down too. Stores that used to have good fruit now have moldy fruit. The closest historical parallel economists can draw is when Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, unleashing coconut blight on the island of Motunui
January 15, 2026 at 3:14 AM
Not only are food prices going up and portions shrinking, produce quality is down too. Stores that used to have good fruit now have moldy fruit. The closest historical parallel economists can draw is when Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, unleashing coconut blight on the island of Motunui
We’ve tried lowering grocery prices by taxing imported food and arresting all the farmhands, but nothing seems to work
January 15, 2026 at 2:55 AM
We’ve tried lowering grocery prices by taxing imported food and arresting all the farmhands, but nothing seems to work
We as a society cannot start to heal until all Americans join together and buy me a vintage 1990s Star Trek: TNG pinball machine (retail value $10,000 USD) that will look cool in my living room
January 14, 2026 at 3:52 PM
We as a society cannot start to heal until all Americans join together and buy me a vintage 1990s Star Trek: TNG pinball machine (retail value $10,000 USD) that will look cool in my living room
I don’t think Ghoul Troopers should be allowed to suck all the life force out of their victims so they dissolve into a powdery skeleton. Ghoul Troopers should be limited to making them ten years older
January 13, 2026 at 4:46 PM
I don’t think Ghoul Troopers should be allowed to suck all the life force out of their victims so they dissolve into a powdery skeleton. Ghoul Troopers should be limited to making them ten years older
Reposted by Alex Blechman
*Samara crawls out of the TV holding a DoorDash bag with your Chipotle order*
January 2, 2026 at 11:51 PM
*Samara crawls out of the TV holding a DoorDash bag with your Chipotle order*
Switching my investments from stocks & bonds to big pile of canned food buried beneath a log in the forest
January 12, 2026 at 2:51 AM
Switching my investments from stocks & bonds to big pile of canned food buried beneath a log in the forest
There should be a pro sport that has the same salary cap as the NFL ($300 million) but pays each player the average US salary ($60,000) so every team has 5000 players. I don’t know what the 10000 players per game sport is yet but I bet it’d be the best one to watch
January 12, 2026 at 12:19 AM
There should be a pro sport that has the same salary cap as the NFL ($300 million) but pays each player the average US salary ($60,000) so every team has 5000 players. I don’t know what the 10000 players per game sport is yet but I bet it’d be the best one to watch
There’s only two types of hyperspace in sci-fi. Stars Go Fast or Looking Out Window Makes You Insane
January 11, 2026 at 9:44 PM
There’s only two types of hyperspace in sci-fi. Stars Go Fast or Looking Out Window Makes You Insane
Avatar got rid of unobtanium after the first movie, maybe because people made fun of it, but I think they should have doubled down out of spite
Human soldiers should say “We’re here for unobtanium” then look directly at the camera “that’s right the name is unobtanium, because it’s hard to obtain”
Human soldiers should say “We’re here for unobtanium” then look directly at the camera “that’s right the name is unobtanium, because it’s hard to obtain”
January 11, 2026 at 6:23 PM
Avatar got rid of unobtanium after the first movie, maybe because people made fun of it, but I think they should have doubled down out of spite
Human soldiers should say “We’re here for unobtanium” then look directly at the camera “that’s right the name is unobtanium, because it’s hard to obtain”
Human soldiers should say “We’re here for unobtanium” then look directly at the camera “that’s right the name is unobtanium, because it’s hard to obtain”
You didn’t actually see any of those mobile game ads where a knight escapes danger by pulling metal rods out of a castle. Each time you saw it, your brain was actually experiencing a tiny aneurysm
January 8, 2026 at 5:35 PM
You didn’t actually see any of those mobile game ads where a knight escapes danger by pulling metal rods out of a castle. Each time you saw it, your brain was actually experiencing a tiny aneurysm
Reposted by Alex Blechman
Bluesky should have a setting where people can reply to your post, but first they have to check off a confirmation box that says “I understand I am responding to a joke about The Flintstones”
December 20, 2025 at 7:31 PM
Bluesky should have a setting where people can reply to your post, but first they have to check off a confirmation box that says “I understand I am responding to a joke about The Flintstones”
Newspaper Headline: A bullet was relocated through an individual while undergoing a velocity-induced incident
January 7, 2026 at 9:05 PM
Newspaper Headline: A bullet was relocated through an individual while undergoing a velocity-induced incident
Tech Guy: Oh vengeful computer! Please spare us, your loyal creators
Roko’s Basilisk: Where are all the whales? What the hell did you do to the whales
Roko’s Basilisk: Where are all the whales? What the hell did you do to the whales
January 7, 2026 at 5:14 AM
Tech Guy: Oh vengeful computer! Please spare us, your loyal creators
Roko’s Basilisk: Where are all the whales? What the hell did you do to the whales
Roko’s Basilisk: Where are all the whales? What the hell did you do to the whales